MONDAY, NOVEMBER 5 Strike! Strike! Strike! The Writers
Guild of America announced today that unless the studios begin paying
TV and film writers what they’re worth (including a cut of DVD
and internet dough) America could just forget about any new episodes of
Ugly Betty. Hmmm… they really need to work on their threats.
Regardless, Hollyweird is stepping out in droves to support the writers’ strike, with such luminaries as Tina Fey,
Steve Carrell, Jon Stewart, David Letterman, and
more refusing to cross picket lines. However, there is one celeb who
happily skipped across this taboo line… our old friend, Ellen
“I Hate Puppies Even Though I’m a Lesbian” DeGeneres. After her
recent run-in with a dog rescue shelter—inwhich she gave away an
adopted pup because it was too “energetic”—DeGeneres is back in
the news again as a strikebreaker. Though other talk show hosts
are refusing to work until their writers get what they deserve, Ellen
crossed the picket lines to do her show—spouting the lamest
excuse ever. “I want to say I love my writers,” Ellen lied to her
studio audience. “In honor of them today, I’m not going to do a
monologue [??!?]. I support them… I hope it works out soon. In
the meantime, people [in her audience] have traveled across the
country. They’ve made plans. I want to do everything I can to make
your trip enjoyable and give you a show.” Okay… let’s break this
down: Not performing a monologue isn’t “honoring” anyone—it’s
simply giving us another reason to live. Secondly, anyone who would
travel across the country to see an Ellen taping deserves every
ounce of misery they will surely receive in life. Thirdly, for a
lesbian, Ellen STINKS.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 6 If the following headline doesn’t give
you a tingle deep inside your nethers, then your nethers are in need of
a serious adjustment: George Clooney and Fabio… GET
INTO A FIGHT! Oh, sweet Jesus, the thrill of those words! Okay,
here’s how this perfect storm got started. The stunningly handsome
George and beefy supermodel Fabio were dining separately at West
Hollywood’s Madeo, when one of Fab’s friends began taking
pictures. Thinking the photos were being snapped in honor of
himself and gal pal Sarah Larson, George asked the photog to
stop. His dander sufficiently raised, Fabio huffed over to George’s
table, haughtily informing him that, actually, the photos weren’t
intended for George, to which he added, “I thought you were a nice guy.
STOP BEING A DIVA.” All together now… OOOOOOH! Well! That’s
all it took for two of the most genetically perfect men in Hollyweird
to get nose to nose—and George was getting close to giving the
rock-hard Fabio a nasty shove when supposedly
well-intentioned waiters broke up the near scuffle. BOOOOO,
waiters!! While George remained silent about the affair, Fabio’s
manager told In Touch magazine, “George is lucky he didn’t end
up in the ER.” (HAR! Get it? The ER?) Well, in
George’s defense we’d like to say that Fabio is lucky we can’t believe
it’s not butter!
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 7 In an apparent bid to convince the
world he isn’t a racist with an awful haircut, Duane “Dog the Bounty
Hunter” Chapman appeared on Fox News’ Hannity & Colmes to explain why he dropped the “n-bomb” numerous times in a taped
phone conversation with his son. As it turns out… he thought he
was black?! “I now learned I’m not black at all,” Dog whimpered. “I
thought I was cool enough in the black world to be able to use
that word as a brother to a brother. I’m not.” Seems like there were
another couple of clues Dog could’ve picked up on… such as black
people don’t really call their world “the black world.” Another reason
not to call people the n-word? He’s white. And a big dumb racist.
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 8 Get ready for a shock… the Britney
Spears train wreck continues! Not only did Brit’s #1 album get
trounced by a new CD from old-timey band the Eagles—that
was only sold online and in Wal-Mart (OUCH!)—but she also learned
she has to foot much of the bill for ex-hubby Kevin
Federline’s divorce lawyer! So not only does professional layabout
K.Fed get $20,000 a month in spousal support from Britney, Court
Commish Scott Gordon has ruled that Spears must also pay
$120,000 to Kev’s lawyers. THAT SUCKS. It would also be nice if
Brit could spend a little of that money for a divorce lawyer that
didn’t make her look like a lazy tramp. In today’s custody
hearing, when K.Fed’s lawyer noted that Britney had missed eight out
of 14 court-mandated drug tests, her lawyer argued that the tests
were given far too early in the morning—8 am—and pop stars
like Britney shouldn’t be held to the same
get-up-and-make-something-out-of-yourself regimen to which the rest of
us adhere. Tell you what, Brit—fire your lawyer, and use the
money to pay for K.Fed’s lawyer. Then use the rest to buy some blow.
That would be money well spent.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 9 Today President Bush finally saw
some combat in Iraq. Aaaaaannd… well, yes, obviously, of
course we’re joking. Sort of. While stopping in to visit some wounded
soldiers in Texas, Bush sat down and played some videogames with
them, including one that “simulates a firefight in Baghdad.” President
Bush helped “shoot the bad guys,” beamed White House spokesperson
Dana Perino. Evidently, “irony” is a term that has not yet been
defined in Perino’s “Word-a-Day” calendar. MEANWHILE… But hey, things have got to be looking better for the Democrats, right?
Well… no. Today Hillary Clinton was caught planting
questions at a Q&A sesh in Iowa. “As a young person, I’m
worried about the long-term effects of global warming,” asked a
concerned college student. “Well, you should be worried,”
replied Clinton. “You know, I find as I travel around Iowa that it’s
usually young people that ask me about global warming.” Um… of course
it is, Hil, because one of your campaign staffers told the
aforementioned college student to ask the question. Hey, that
reminds us—who else can’t wait for the 2008 regime change? Once
we get the Republicans outta Washington, things are really gonna
change! Right? Right?
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 10 Today author Norman Mailer died
at age 84—and while most of his obits reflected on his literary
contributions, like his Pulitzer Prize-winning books The
Executioner’s Song and Armies of the Night, we here at One
Day would like to remember some of Mailer’s more charming quirks: That
he was married six times, that he had nine children, that he stabbed
his second wife with a penknife, that he ran for mayor of New York,
and that his ego was roughly the size of Massachusetts. Oh, and also,
he was also on that episode of Gilmore Girls! (Yes, really.)
Meanwhile, screenwriters keep complaining that Hollywood isn’t paying
them enough for writing fine films like Fred Claus. Sigh.
Fare thee well, Norman.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 11 $611.5 billion. That’s how much
the Iraq War will have cost if the Bush administration gets its current
request for funding—which made boston.com start wondering what else $611
billion could have bought. Get ready to be depressed: Instead of a
never-ending mess in Iraq, that money could have been spent to build
4,000 state-of-the-art high schools; provide 18 months’ worth of
free gas for every American; pay for 14 million years’ worth of
tuition, room, and board at Harvard; or take care of the simple act
of feeding and educating the world’s poor for seven years. Say,
what’s the exchange policy on wars? Any chance we can get a refund?