MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12 UPDATE!! As it turns out,
socialite/jailbird/porn star Paris Hilton does NOT support drunken elephants. Today the AP gleefully reported that
Paris has been praised by animal activists for bringing attention to
the plight of Indian elephants who binge on alcohol, go berserk, and
are summarily electrocuted. (The comparison to Paris’ own life is kind
of uncanny, isn’t it?) However, according to a statement from the AP
released later today, “Lori Berk, a publicist for Hilton, said
she [Paris] never made any comments about helping
drunkenelephants in India.” Since we’re talking about the AP
here—one of the world’s most trusted news agencies—we’re
willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, and assume they got
confused. When Paris said she was interested in drunken elephants from
India, what she really meant was that she was sick of elephants
drinking all her booze and snorting all her alleged coke. The AP
regrets the error.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 13 As we snickered about last week in One
Day, single-testicled cyclist Lance Armstrong has been spotted
in the canoodle-sphere (that means “making out”) with google-eyed
string bean Ashley Olsen. And while Lance fervently denies the
pairing… we don’t care. This is so amazing we’re going to keep
talking about it anyway. Today, Lance’s daughter trumped all the
other kids in her elementary school, by bringing the best object ever
to “show and tell”: daddy’s newest doll, Ashley Olsen. However,
no one is saying how Ashley was actually presented to the class.
We’re thinking it was in one of the following ways: (1) As an anorexic.
(2) A “bag lady.” (3) A separated half of a Siamese twin. (4) A living
troll doll. (5) Daddy’s newest whore.
MEANWHILE… Speaking of transforming today’s youth
into whores, Girls Gone Wild creator/king of the
douchebags Joe Francis is still in prison, and
still crying like a fat, greasy baby. Francis has been
incarcerated in Reno’s Washoe County Jail on tax evasion charges
since May, and while he could pay a $1.5 million bond and walk out,
Francis would then immediately be extradited to Florida (for his
crimes of filming underage girls flashing their underage boobies) where
the judge refuses to grant him bail. And it’s because of this that Joe
Francis calls his incarceration, quote, “ONE OF THE GREATEST
MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE EVER.” Oh, forget
Nelson Mandela! Forget O.J.’s acquittal! Multimillionaire Joe
Francis is the true victim here—the victim of a callous
system that refuses to pardon multimillionaires who made their money on
the nude bosoms of drunken impressionable girls with zero
self-esteem. How DARE you, Justice System? We hereby sentence
you to show us your tits.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14 The gossip story of the century
continues! (And by “story of the century” we naturally mean last week’s
shoving match between George Clooney and Fabio!)
As you undoubtedly remember and are still laughing about, Clooney and
Fab got in a near bitch fight at a West Hollywood restaurant after a
misunderstanding about a photographer in Fabio’s party. Apparently
George thought the photog was snapping pictures of him, and not
so politely asked her to stop. Unfortunately for everyone in the world,
some idiot waiters broke up the scuffle before it turned
violent—but now Fabio (in a desperate grab to resuscitate his
career) is speaking out on the incident. “We were just having fun,
taking pictures,” Fab told OK! magazine. “All of a sudden one of
the ladies said, ‘There is this gentleman a few tables behind you that
keeps giving me the finger. [He] called me a fat cow.’
[George] was drunk and thought people were taking pictures of
him. So I went to the table and explained… [but] he started being
rude so I put him in his place. As you know I’m three times his
size—he got a little scared. He paid his bill, got up, [but
then] started insulting the girls… called them names. I lost my
temper, went after him and he ran out of the restaurant.” (Fabio
goes on and on like this for another paragraph, but we know how it all
ends: his shirt ripped open, standing on a hillside, with drooling
girls draped around his legs.)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15 We rarely if ever agree with Kevin
Federline about anything—but we’ll go along with what
he told a judge this week: BRITNEY SPEARS SHOULD NOT BE DRIVING! An emergency hearing was held in which K.Fed asked the court to issue
an order stopping Britney from driving while their kids are in
the car. Not an entirely unreasonable request—especially since
Britney has crashed into numerous vehicles, run over at least three
people’s feet, and this week, was photographed whizzing through a
red light in a busy intersection… with the kids sleeping in
the back… and her court-appointed monitor ducking down and wincing in
the passenger seat. (Oh, and did we forget to mention she was texting
at the time? She was probably setting up her next drug test.)
Britney… you are a BILLIONAIRE. Get a chauffeur for the love
of Christ! (Another plus? Chauffeurs open doors for you, which is nice
for certain people who refuse to wear UNDERPANTS.)

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 America has a fair and impartial
justice system, and everyone who breaks the law has to do their
time—whether your name is Kip Romano and you’re facing
disorderly conduct charges because you threw a drunken hissy fit at a
Blazers game when you didn’t get your free Greg Oden bobblehead
doll, or whether your name is Lindsay Lohan and you stole an
SUV and went on a drunken tear through Los Angeles. Yesterday, Ms.
Lohan served a whopping 84 minutes in jail as punishment for her
July DUI. Congrats on paying your debt to society, Linds! (And just in
case you don’t think LiLo didn’t do enough time, we’ll remind you that
84 minutes is two whole minutes longer than that spoiled
Nicole Richie served for her DUI—plus, we heard she called
Lionel and had him pull some strings to get her out early.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 17 ‘Kay, not to get
narcissistic—okay, actually, to get totally narcissistic—but we are famous. Really famous. But while
we might be famous here, you have no idea how big One Day at
a Time is in Italy. We are huge over there! Or, rather, we
were, until today—when a circuit court in Rome banned Italian TV
and news personalities from reporting gossip! What will Italians
do when they pick up their Rome Mercurio and find their
favorite gossip column missing? Well, let’s put it this way, Italian
politicians: Compared to the rage of jilted One Day fans, the reign of
Mussolini will look like a walk in the park. And also, just FYI:
Until you let us get back to the business of letting Italians know
about the 80-minute-long prison terms of celebutantes, you’re dead to
us, Italy. Though it pains us more than words can say, we’ll be
boycotting everything Versace. And Gucci. And also pizza. And also,
Kip can’t play that stupid Mario videogame of his,
either.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18 “Only urgent, global action will do,”
warned United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon yesterday,
referring to the UN’s terrifying report on climate change that predicts
that by 2020, there will be extreme water shortages in Africa,
severe flooding in Asia, and Europe will see the extinction
of many of its animal species. “I look forward to the US and China
playing a more constructive role,” a panicked Ban pleaded, begging for
the world’s worst two polluters to… well, save the world.
MEANWHILE… “Screw you, Ban Ki-moon!” sneered Jim
Connaughton, chairman of the White House’s Council on Environmental
Quality. Okay, so maybe the White House didn’t say that exactly,
but pretty much: What Connaughton did say was that the
“scientific definition” of climate change is “lacking,” adding that the
US will be “operating within the construct of, again, strong agreement
among world leaders that urgent action is warranted.” Connaughton’s
gibberish, translated: “Hey, UN? Nobody in America cares. We now return
you to Dancing with the Stars.”