MONDAY, NOVEMBER 19 Generally speaking, the week before
Thanksgiving is a boon to tortured celebrities. Like the rest of
America, the paparazzi is far too interested in locating the
perfect 12-pound free-range turkey (sans antibiotics and growth
hormones) to nag Tinsel Turd’s finest for photos. Unless, of course,
you’re Britney Spears. Today, Brit’s traumatized legal team
announced she would be hiring a driver to avoid any more
vehicular mishaps, such as running over paparazzo’s feet, and smacking
into any number of parked cars. However, it might be a good idea if she
hired one quick, because Us magazine reports that Britney was
videotaped whizzing through THREE stop signs on her way home
from the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. (Seriously, at this point the
world would be safer if Britney’s driver were a 10-year-old whose only
experience was piloting a remote control monster truck.)
MEANWHILE… Besides hiring a chauffeur, it was also
reported today that Britney has hired a private detective to
follow around (and dig up some dirt on) skeevy ex-hubby Kevin
Federline. Says K.Fed’s lawyer, “I don’t think [Kevin] would be
concerned about it, and I don’t think he has to change anything he is
doing in order to address that.” In other words, unless Britney wants a
bunch of clandestine photos of Kevin snoring on the couch, playing
Super Mario Bros., and dipping Funyuns into a jar of
jelly, she might be better off spending her money elsewhere. LIKE
ON A CHAUFFEUR!!!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 20 Today in the idiotic world of “sports,”
another football coach shocked the world by saying something
idiotic. Nick Saban, head coach for Alabama was so upset
about his team of meatheads being defeated by a lesser team of
meatheads (the pathetic Louisiana-Monroe) he actually invoked the
terrorist attacks of 9/11 and Pearl Harbor to describe
his grief. “Changes in history usually occur after some kind of
catastrophic event,” Saban moaned to the press. “It may be 9/11,
which sort of changed the spirit of America relative to catastrophic
events. Pearl Harbor kind of got us ready for World War II, and
that was a catastrophic event.” Before one could count to
Mississippi-five, a university spokesperson stepped up to
“clarify” Saban’s dumbass remarks. “What Coach Saban said did
not correlate losing a football game with a tragedy [YES, IT DID],
everyone needs to understand that,” said panicked spokesman Jeff
Purinton. “He was not equating losing football games to those
catastrophic events [YES, HE WAS].” Here’s what Purinton should’ve
said: “Saban did correlate and compare losing a football game to 9/11
and Pearl Harbor, because he’s from Alabama, and to those hillbillies,
football is at least as important as those two tragedies. And if
they lose to Auburn, that’s tantamount to every baby in the world being
burned alive in a tub of acid. Now… are there any questions?”

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 21 In political news, a former White
House press secretary has FINALLY admitted that the Bush
administration is a bunch of lying poopy pants. In his
forthcoming book, Scott McClellan reminisces about a 2003 news
conference in which he told the White House press corps that Karl
Rove and I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby were “not involved” in leaking the identity of CIA operative Valerie Plame. “There
was only one problem,” McClellan wrote. “It was not true. I had
unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the
highest-ranking officials in the administration were involved in my
doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president’s chief of
staff, and the president himself.” But it gets better: When the
current White House press secretary Dana Perino was asked to
comment on McClellan’s accusations, she said that it wasn’t clear
what McClellan meant by the excerpt, and that “the president has
not and would not ask his spokespeople to pass on false
information.” We’re not sure who’s more pathetic: the former press
secretary who couldn’t figure out he was being lied to, the current
press secretary who doesn’t care that she’s being lied to, or the rest
of us… who have just gotten used to the lies.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 22 Happy Thanksgiving, everyone, and
you’ll be happy to know that absolutely NOTHING happened today, except
for one thing: GRAVY. Hubby Kip and I traveled to our
dreaded Aunt Wanda’s home (which was filled with unrepentant
Republican a-holes) for Thanksgiving festivities, and were
expecting the worst day of our lives. However, there’s one thing that
can bring even the bitterest enemies to the same table, and that’s
GRAVY. Purely by accident, six separate parties brought
delicious, meaty gravy to the dinner, and it was like we had
died and gone to gravy heaven. Gravy was liberally
applied to turkey, stuffing, dinner rolls, mashed potatoes, yams,
creamed spinach, roasted vegetables… and would have probably made it
into our coffee had the thought arisen. Late in the evening, instead of
drunkenly arguing politics and eventually slamming the front door in
tears, we all sat around the kitchen counter, reminiscing about fond
family memories as we dipped freshly baked walnut chocolate chip bread
into a single gravy boat. Note to Palestinians and Israelis:
Just an idea… but have you tried gravy?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 23 Last week we reported that professional
douchebag/Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis has been in
prison in Reno since May for tax evasion charges—and summarily
characterized his imprisonment as “ONE OF THE GREATEST MISCARRIAGES
OF JUSTICE EVER.” Well, get ready for more:
Francis is now alleging that when he was briefly held in an Oklahoma
jail, he faced some truly Abu Ghraib-like conditions. According to
Francis, guards denied him “food and blankets and threatened to
strap him naked to a chair for 48 hours.” Oklahoma officials
responded by essentially calling Francis a skeezy liar, noting that (A)
guards never threatened him, and (B) Francis actually had an
extra blanket. Hear that, softcore entrepreneurs? Even if you
whine like a baby, you and your blankie will still be nice and warm and
cozy in jail. (But now that we think about it, doesn’t that “strapped
naked to a chair for 48 hours” bit seems like a pretty good idea for
one of Francis’ videos? Expect some late-night ads for Girls Gone
Wild: Prison Break!)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 24 Poor Hulk Hogan. “I’m kind of
shocked. You caught me off guard… Holy smokes. Wow, you just
knocked the bottom out of me.” That was Hulk Hogan, receiving the news
that his wife was divorcing him. Awww. The worst part? His wife
didn’t bother telling him, and the above conversation took place when
a reporter called the unsuspecting Hogan to get his take on the
split, while he was driving at the time. “I just pulled over to the
side of the road for five minutes to find out what was going on here,”
the stunned wrestler-turned-reality-TV-star stammered at the reporter.
We would call to inform him that his reality show is about to get
cancelled… but we’ll leave that for another member of the press.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 25 Christmastime always reminds us of that
year when Daddy promised that Santa would give us an
Easy-Bake Oven. But then there were the layoffs at the plant, and then
Daddy started taking naps next to the liquor cabinet, and then on
Christmas, instead of an Easy-Bake Oven, Santa brought us a
half-used tube of Crest and a single mitten. Once our
tears dried, we learned a valuable life lesson: When you can’t live
up to a promise you’ve made, just change the promise! Let’s use
Iraq as an example: the New York Times reports that due to a
lack of political gains in Iraq, “the Bush administration has
lowered its expectation” of unifying the splintered country,
instead settling for a “diminished and more realistic set of
expectations.” “We can’t make them like each other,” an exacerbated
American official in Baghdad told the Times, referring to the
war-torn country’s contentious factions. “We can’t even make them talk
to each other. Well, sometimes we can.” In other words? We know we
promised you an Easy-Bake Oven, Iraq. But… um… yeah. Enjoy that
toothpaste! And here’s a mitten.