MONDAY, DECEMBER 3 The jig is up, Hollyweird! For years
you’ve tried to convince us your perfect faces (and tits) are the
products of unsullied genetics, and not from the snipping, slicing, and
sewing of discreet plastic surgeons. And for years, these
surgeons have kept your dirty little secrets. WELL, NO MORE. Now,
according to Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Raj Kanodia, 60 percent
of actresses in Hollyweird have had cosmetic
surgery—and Kanodia would know, being the doc who allegedly
lopped off the excess noses of Cameron Diaz, Ashlee
Simpson, and Jennifer Aniston. (We have to admit… he does
nice work.) However, at least one actress isn’t going to take this
accusation lying down; Scarlett Johansson is threatening Us
Weekly with a lawsuit after they wrote that she (along with
many other A-listers) had a nose trim. ScarJo vehemently denies
the claim, saying the tab is damaging her rep and alienating her fans.
(Mmm… fans? Honey, we saw you in Girl with a Pearl Earring,
and it looks like someone gave you a talentectomy.) Even more
disturbing? Nowadays even people who look like they need plastic
surgery have probably already had it! OK! Magazine reports that
Britney Spears “already underwent lip enhancement and
forehead Botox.” Next on the list? Liposuction, a mini tummy
tuck, more work on her nose (this is reportedly her second nose-bob), and a breast lift (reportedly her third). That’s what
we’ve always wanted: Tits that look like Joan Rivers‘ face.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 4 Last week, we reported that
Britney topped the naughty list on Santa’s “Naughty or Nice”
yearly round-up. And, as it turns out, she really is naughtier
than her closest competition, Paris Hilton. Today the London
Daily Mail reported that Britney sent a letter to Paris, ordering
her to stop being so rude to Brit and members of her
entourage… or else what? Or else Britney will release to the internet
video footage of Hilton and a pal engaging in a lesbian romp (Hubby Kip’s favorite kind of romp). Okay, Brit—how about this
instead. We’ll ALL start being nicer to you if you DON’T release the
video. (We’ve seen enough night-vision shots of Hilton’s genitalia to
last us a lifetime.) MEANWHILE… So it’s one thing to
blackmail a porn heiress. It’s quite another thing to be a
bajillionaire and steal from a poor gas station
owner—which is exactly what Britney has done. After stopping
in a Sherman Oaks Chevron for some gum, Brit decided to walk out with
a Bic lighter… and without paying! Even worse, when a
paparazzo confronted her about it, she replied sarcastically, “I
stole something. Oh, I’m bad!” The gas station owner, Jatinder
Kaur, confirmed the tale, telling People: “Yes, Britney
stole a blue lighter here last night. The lighter is $1.39. I’m hoping
maybe the next time she comes back she will pay for it.” DO THE
RIGHT THING, BRITNEY! Either give the man his $1.39—or at least
show him Paris Hilton’s lesbian romp!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 5 In far more distressing news, a
19-year-old high school dropout celebrated getting dumped by his
girlfriend and fired from his job at McDonald’s by going on a
shooting rampage in an Omaha shopping mall today, killing
eight before turning the gun on himself. Here come the holidays,
people—be careful out there. MEANWHILE… Republican Mitt Romney—that super conservative Ken doll
who acts like he just hitched a ride from the 1950s in Marty McFly’s
DeLorean—had a lot of ‘xplaining to do today to Iowa voters who
are all wondering if they really want a Mormon president. His
closest opponent, Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee, is quickly
gaining ground with Christians who don’t quite get all of Romney’s
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints stuff. So in a speech today
in Texas—un-coincidentally in the same place where John F.
Kennedy allayed the nation’s fears about his
Catholicism—Romney assured voters he would not be a “spokesman
for his faith.” In fact, he’ll never even bring it up. Especially
the stuff about their bible being golden tablets that were
buried in upstate New York… and that they used to be
polygamists. Mum’s the word.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 6 Today actor Kiefer
Sutherland—best known for playing TV’s Jack Bauer on
24—accomplished a feat that’s almost unheard of in
Hollyweird: He was sentenced to 48 days in jail, and actually
went straight to his cell! AND GET THIS! He showed up 15 minutes EARLY
to the courtroom, and after being sentenced issued a heartfelt apology
for his crime of drinking while driving. Not only that, he seems to be
intent on serving his entire 48 days behind
bars, rather than a few minutes here or there (as was the case with
Paris, Nicole, and Lindsay). Of course, what else is he
going to do until the writers’ strike is over? As we all know, prison
time is the new Palm Springs.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 7 Long revered for its history of religious
open-mindedness, today Germany declared the Church of
Scientology unconstitutional—taking the first steps toward
outlawing the organization, which enjoys a reputation in Germany as a
money-grubbing cult. “This is outrageous!” declared Emperor
Klaktuu, Scientology’s minister of money grubbing and brainwashing,
when reached for comment via holo-phone. “The unforgiving photon
essence of L. Ron Hubbard shall surely wreak terrible vengeance
on the German people! All Germans shall be forced to watch a dubbed
version of Battlefield Earth before being sent to labor
in the deadly spice mines of Xathelton 47! Where they will have to
watch Battlefield Earth again! MEANWHILE…
Scott Baio married his longtime girlfriend Renee Sloan today, shocking observers who did not realize he still existed.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 8 This weekend, Oprah Winfrey stumped for incredibly intelligent and handsome presidential candidate
Barack Obama. “I’ve never taken this kind of risk before, nor
felt compelled to stand up and speak out before, because there wasn’t
anyone to stand up and speak out for,” Oprah told thousands in Iowa
today. Reacting to the one-two punch of Oprah/Obama, fellow candidate
Hillary Clinton busted out the big guns with a supporter of her
own… Chelsea Clinton! (Who, on occasion, has been known to
say, “I hate you, Mom!”) MEANWHILE… Conservative
candidate Mike Huckabee has unexpectedly found himself the
leading contender for the GOP nomination—despite a discovery
that, in 1992, the Southern Baptist minister said homosexuals were a
“dangerous public health risk,” AIDS patients should be
quarantined, and that Hollywood celebrities should fund AIDS
research instead of the federal government. (Important note: We did not
make any of that up. WOW. Maybe a Mormon president would be
better!) In other Republican news, candidate Ron Paul promised
that his campaign will soon launch a giant blimp—bearing the
words “Ron Paul for President ’08″—which will fly over
Washington, DC before heading to Massachusetts to dump tea in Boston
Harbor. Whether Paul will dress up in a headdress and war paint has
yet to be disclosed, but one thing is for sure: Paul’s like the
Republican version of Dennis Kucinich. Absolutely adorable, and
without a chance in hell.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 9 Angelina Jolie, Filipino farmers
need you! The Farmers’ Movement of the Philippines has formally asked
the United Nations to send goodwill ambassador Jolie to the Philippines
so that she can see how many “internal refugees” are in the country.
When informed of this news, Hubby Kip exclaimed, “It’s that
easy?” before sprinting upstairs and writing a letter to United Nations
Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon. We snuck a look. “Dear Banky,” it
began. “Please send Angelina to my house. There is an urgent ‘tomb
raiding’ situation in need of ‘goodwill ambassadorship’.” Huh. Real
sneaky, Kip. That “tomb” wouldn’t be your “pants,” would it? You’ll
find your “tomb,” along with the rest of your things, on the front
lawn.