MONDAY, DECEMBER 10 Now, wait just a goddamn second…
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were named Us
Weekly‘s “Couple of the Year”? NOT ON OUR WATCH! Yes, we’re
fully aware that Brad and Ang are in the business of adopting every
starving orphan in sight, as well as trotting across the globe to
rescue victims in need (like when Brad recently pledged to build 150
new homes in hurricane-ravaged New Orleans). However, what about
VICTIMS OF LOVE? And yes, we mean that poor horsy-faced Jennifer
Aniston. No, we have not forgotten that Brad unceremoniously dumped
her in order to bone the thick-lipped Jolie, and NO, we never
will! In our eyes, this “Couple of the Year” are home-wrecking
humanitarian monsters, building new lives for the poor, while
destroying the lives of big-nosed former Hollywood ingénues!
(Don’t stand for it, Jennifer! Marry David Schwimmer, and “Ross
and Rachel” will be the “Couple of the Year” in 2008!)
MEANWHILE… Here’s our vote for “Couple of the Year”:
Porn star/socialite Paris Hilton and an Oompa Loompa from
Willy Wonka! Paris was at a Miami Beach shindig last Saturday,
where a bunch of Oompa Loompas were performing (the rich just
love midgets!). Suddenly, one of the orange-skinned,
green-haired Oompas seriously gashed his leg on a metal stage
support. Like an emaciated version of Lara Croft, Paris shoved her
way through the throng to the Oompa’s side, where she held his
hand, cooed sweet, comforting words, and waited until the ambulance
arrived. So… is a new Hollywood fairy tale romance in the
works? Don’t laugh, guys! Like the rest of us gals, Paris knows that
nobody makes love like the Oompa-Loompa-doom-pa-dee-do!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 11 On the political front, the race for the
presidency is heating up with Hillary Clinton’s staff doing
anything they can to slow the progress of Democratic dreamboat,
Barack Obama. Today one of Hill’s top advisers, Bill
Shaheen, rightly turned in his resignation after publicly
insinuating that Obama was a drug dealer. In an interview with
the Washington Post, Shaheen posited questions that
certain people might accidentally ask the handsome
candidate: “It’ll be, ‘Did you [Obama] ever give drugs to anyone?
Did you sell them to anyone?‘” SHAME ON YOU, SHAHEEN! What if
certain reporters asked Hillary some uncomfortable questions, such as,
“How does it feel to be in a race with a hunk, while your own face
resembles the pinched anus of a cat?” MEANWHILE… It’s
an annual year-end White House tradition for the sitting president to
pardon a bunch of criminals—and George W. Bush is
no different. This year he put a coke dealer, a pot grower, and
an embezzler (along with others) back on the streets, but curiously did
not pardon his crony, I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby, who took the
fall for leaking the name of CIA operative Valerie Plame. When
asked if this disturbed “Scooter,” he said he would issue a statement
to the press just as soon as he finished counting his blood money.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 12 Finally! Today former pop
legend/current train wreck Britney Spears will be allowed her
day in court to give her side of the story, and… wait. What’s
that? She missed her day in court? But she’s been waiting for
this opportunity, like, forever! However it appears that she was
suffering from a “general” illness (the worst kind, if you ask
us), and couldn’t make it to her court-appointed deposition,
and—THIS JUST IN! The “general” illness she was speaking of was
actually “high-level anxiety.” So, in other words, she was just
too nervous to come to court. Happily for those who continually fret
for Spears’ health, her anxiety mysteriously disappeared right
about when court was dismissed for the day, and Britney was once again
seen whooping it up at the Beverly Hills Four Seasons until 2
am. “This deposition was a court-ordered proceeding,” said peeved K.Fed
attorney Mark Vincent Kaplan. “It’s not fourth grade, where you
get a doctor’s note and it’s all okay. If there’s a legitimate
reason for her not to attend, she would have to establish that.” A
legitimate reason, huh? How about, “I’m Britney Spears, y’all! So eat
it, lick it, suck it, fuck it!”

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13 It’s been a tough day for baby boomer
celebs: First off, we’ll take “medical maladies” for $600, Alex.
Jeopardy gameshow host Alex Trebek has suffered a
myocardial infarction. Mmm… what is “a minor heart attack”?
Correct! Trebek should be back on his feet by January—until then,
you control the board. MEANWHILE… Our gay best friend
Frankie was devastated to learn today that his idol Liza
Minnelli collapsed while on stage in Sweden, and would have
fallen off the stage and sustained even greater injuries, had it not
been for the quick and steady hands of a technician who caught
her. Frankie is currently booking a flight to Sweden just to kiss
that technician’s hands. Frankie is prone to “drama.”
MEANWHILE… Rock ‘n’ roll pioneer Ike Turner has died at the age of 76. Arguably credited for inventing rock, he was
just as famous for allegations that he regularly abused then-wife Tina
Turner for nearly two decades. Or as a tasteless New York Post headlines called Turner’s passing: “Ike ‘beats’ Tina to death.” Stay
classy, NYP. Stay classy.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 14 “De Niro, Redford,
Keaton, Allen, Pacino… They’re all just tragic
parodies of themselves.” And: “Clooney thinks that, provided he
does films which are politically committed, he’s allowed to do
Ocean’s 11, 12, 13. But the Ocean’s movies
are a cancer to world culture. They’redestroying
us.” So speaketh holier-than-anyone Rupert Everett in a
no-holds-barred interview with the Independent, in which the
illustrious actor blamed the downfall of culture on the fact that “You
can’t draw a distinction between the celebrity nonsense on
television and the film industry.” Allow this proud purveyor of
celebrity nonsense to point out a few of Mr. Everett’s greatest
hits: Dunston Checks In, Shrek 2, Shrek the Third,
My Best Friend’s Wedding, and The Wild Thornberrys Movie.
In other words, Rupie, dear: Go ahead, insult our George again.
We’ll be more than happy to remind you about your role as the villain
in Inspector Gadget.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 15 Yesterday the Wall Street
Journal reported that, according to a survey, “two-thirds of
women and half of men said they were ‘very’ or ‘extremely’
willing to marry for money,” with 74 percent of women in their
30s happy to marry pretty much anyone as long as they were loaded. Just
FYI, ladies: When he’s actually working and not watching 18 straight
hours of Stargate Atlantis, Hubby Kip does pretty well as
a dentist. We’re not saying he’s on the market, per se, but…
well, if you’re interested, you know where to find us. (We’ll be
keeping the house and cars, thanks.)

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 16 God, this is unbelievable! Actually,
wait—scratch that. This is totes believable! Star is reporting that Britney Spears is planning to get married
again, this time to current boytoy “Sinister” Sam
Lutfi. Apparently, the Britta’s going to have another wedding in
Vegas (presumably ’cause the last one—which lasted 55 hours, to
that Jason “Not the Guy from Seinfeld“
Alexander guy—worked out so well). Kevin Federline isn’t happy about it, with Star reporting that Kevin “has
forbidden Britney from having Sam around the boys” due to Lutfi’s
bad temper. (Wow. When K.Fed doesn’t approve….) One source
notes that “Britney is completely under Sam’s spell. Everyone
sees through him, except her. He stays with her most of the time, and
she pays for his food, his bar and restaurant tabs, and his clothing.”
Well, best of luck to the happy couple. This one has success written
all over it.