MONDAY, DECEMBER 31 Happy New Year’s Eve, darlings! After a
week of basking on the beaches of St. Croix, One Day at a Time is back
with a vengeance. And happily, the top-tier celebs chose to remain on
their best behavior while we were away, and… wait. Oh, The
O.C.‘s Mischa Barton—how could you?? A mere two
days after the holiest of all days, Mischa (who played the drunken
Marissa on the night-time soap) revisited her most famous character by
getting shit-faced behind the wheel in West Hollywood. Spotted
straddling two lanes at 2:46 am, the cops also discovered she was
driving without a license and “in possession of marijuana and a
controlled substance.” Dear, if you were more famous, we’d advise
you to make a public apology and get to rehab… but since you’ve got
nothing further to offer your fans, you can go straight to knocking
over convenience stores. MEANWHILE… Also during the
holiday break? Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are
getting a divorce, citing “irreconcilable differences.”
(Translation: Sean Penn is a self-important blowhard ass, and she’s way
too hot for him.) MEANWHILE… It was a holly jolly holiday for
butter-faced pop star Fergie, who announced she would be getting
married to Transformers hunk Josh Duhamel. And
while the happy day has yet to be determined, Fergie is reportedly so
excited she could just pee her pants. (That’s right, Fergie. WE
WILL NEVER LET YOU FORGET IT.)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1 It’s a brand-new year, and if you’re
Lindsay Lohan, you’re going to ring in 2008 by snogging not one… not two… but THREE swarthy Italians! And all within
24 hours! Partying it up on the Italian island of Capri, LiLo kept
herself busy by sampling the tonsils of three of the country’s finest
meatcakes, before settling on lucky(?) native Dario Faiella to
drag back to her hotel suite. After what was surely an exciting night
of Scrabble play, the two were spotted the next morning on her hotel
balcony, disheveled and basking in the glow of a magical evening filled
with high-scoring words. (Hmmm… how many points can you get for
“genital herpes”?) MEANWHILE… Hey parents! Remember how hard
it was to get tickets for that stupid Hannah Montana concert?
Well, one kid figured out a surefire method: claiming her father was
dead! A Chicago kids’ store sponsored a contest offering a bevy of
Hannah Montana goodies (including a blonde Hannah wig, airfare for
four, and tickets to a Hannah concert in Albany, New York) to
the child who could write the best essay. Six-year-old Priscilla
Ceballos won the contest with an essay presumably entitled, “I Want
the Hannah Montana Tickets Because My Daddy Was a Soldier Who Was
Killed in a Roadside Bombing in Iraq.” Turns out, however, not only
is Priscilla’s daddy not a dead soldier, he’s not even a dead
daddy. And now the company is thinking about taking back
Priscilla’s tickets! Hey, the way we see it, if Bush lied to get us
into Iraq, then Priscilla can lie to get into Montana!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2 Speaking of lying and dying, the US
Justice Department announced today it will be launching a formal
criminal investigation into why the CIA destroyed
videotapes of how they “interrogated” terrorism suspects.
And of course, by “interrogated” we mean “brutally tortured.” The CIA ‘fessed up last month that they had trashed hundreds of hours
of tapes depicting interrogations of al-Qaeda suspects, causing
activists and leading Democrats to hit the roof. Naturally, the CIA is
befuddled by all the hoopla, claiming they “acted lawfully” by
destroying the evidence of their crimes. After all… they’ve been
doing it for years! MEANWHILE… It’s been a relatively quiet
holiday for One Day’s “2007 Celebrity Train Wreck of the Year”
Britney Spears—although she did miss another of her
court-appointed depositions today. Well… since it’s a brand-new year,
let’s let bygones be bygones. After all, when it comes to Britney, how
could 2008 be any worse? Are we right?

THURSDAY, JANUARY 3 It’s time for the Iowa Caucus! Can
you feel the heat? Well frankly speaking, our nethers were on FIRE with
the news that political dreamboat Barack Obama practically
murdered the competition, winning the state’s democratic nomination
over second-place John “Somewhat Less Handsome than Barack”
Edwards, and third-place Hillary “I’m Just Not Very Likeable, Am
I?” Clinton. On the Republican side, loathsome Christian Mike
Huckabee got the Iowan nod, while loathsome Mormon Mitt Romney got his ass handed to him on a pair of golden
tablets buried in upstate New York. (That’s a Mormon joke.) BUT ENOUGH
ABOUT THEM! Let’s keep our laser-like focus on that drooly hunk of
man-meat Obama! While his rock-hard pecs and uplifting message
certainly didn’t hurt his case, guess who showed up in Iowa to offer
her support? That candidate-stealing BITCH, Scarlett Johansson!
Think you’re going to take MY MAN, you skanky harlot?
KIP! BRING ME THE CREDIT CARD. We’re flying to New
Hampshire!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 4 Well, so much for our theory about how
Britney Spears‘ 2008 couldn’t be any worse than her 2007! Today
The Epic Britney Spears Saga™ continued, and ooooh
boy—we haven’t seen poop hit the fan this hard since Brit’s
“attacking paparazzi with umbrellas” phase! SO… Last night,
the unlucky children of the Britta and Kevin Federline, Sean
Preston and Jayden James, were to be picked up by K-Fed’s
“security team.” (Apparently, Kev’s too busy to do so
himself—there are a lot of Cheetos to eat, after all, and we hear
he’s “super stoked” about the new American Gladiators.)
One teensy prob: “Britney locked herself in the bathroom with both boys and wouldn’t come out,” according to Page Six!
Soon, over a dozen cops had arrived, while Britney’s cousin and
her assistant left—somehow leaving Britney alone with
one-year-old Jayden James. (Where did two-year-old Sean Preston go?
Either no one knows or no one cares!) SO… After Britney had
locked herself in the bathroom for over five hours, she finally
emerged… strapped to a gurney! The disheveled Britters was
crammed into an ambulance and taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center,
escorted by no less than 13 police cars. (Hey, would you want Britney Spears to escape?) Word quickly leaked that the Britta was
under a “72-hour lockdown,” and one source told Us, “They had to
strap her down like a mental patient and she was going between laughing
and hysterics.” Kevin Federline took Jayden James home, and everyone
wondered what could possibly happen next. (Psst! Here’s a hint:
Dr. Phil!)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 5 “I went to see Britney at the request of
her family,” said Dr. Phil, and yes, you read that right. In
other words, the Spears clan is as scared of Britney as everyone else,
and—apparently unaware that actual, licensed psychologists
exist—theycalled in Dr. Phil. Unfortunately, Brit wasn’t
informed—according to the Chicago Sun-Times, “his
appearance in her hospital room came as a complete shock to
her.” (To be fair, we’d be pretty freaked out if Dr. Phil jumped out of
our closet too.) Anyway, after just 36 hours, Britney was on the
loose.An anonymous nurse dished about Spears’ early release: “Even
though she was somewhat isolated in a VIP room, the administration
decided she was too much trouble. In addition, it did seem she
was no longer a danger to herself or others, as messed up as she
is.”

SUNDAY, JANUARY 6 Um… so… are we the only one who noticed
that Sean Preston is still missing? Quick, everybody take a sec
and look behind your couch! He might be there, gumming on Cheetos and
rooting for Stealth to win that one thing where the gladiators
hit each other with giant Q-Tips.