Buckle your seatbelts, folks! Portland is on the cusp of a major sociological upheaval that will probably send life as we know it straight down the crapper! Don’t believe us? Well, One Day is only too happy to provide the proof about the coming revolution with pointed examples of anarchy from last week.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25
Proof #1: Septuagenarian vs. Septuagenarian. One sure sign of a crumbling
society is when old folks turn on one another. Oregon septuagenarian and poet
Paul Dahm is suing venerable advice maven Dear Abby for allegedly
running one of Dahm’s poems in her nationally syndicated column–and not giving
him one goddamn penny in return! The poem, entitled “The Rainbow Bridge” is an ode to dead dogs and the grief felt by owners over said dead dogs.
Though the Abby camp concedes they twice published a poem called “The Rainbow
Bridge,” they deny it had anything to do with dead dogs and have refused to
pay Dahm what he’s asking for–a whopping $20,000. Now. It’s no great
secret that One Day considers poetry to be the lowest, most stomach-churning
literary artform (outside of Chicken Soup for the Soul). Regardless,
if this 70-year-old huckster shams one of his own out of 20,000 smackers–well,
can the fall of civilization be far behind?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26
Proof #2: Inanimate objects attack animals. As 100,000 protestors thronged the streets in Prague to protest International Monetary Fund and World
Bank meetings, one hundred or so people mingled and otherwise attempted
to throng around Pioneer Square this evening. Upset by the predatory loan practices
of the World Bank, the protestors at Pioneer Square blocked traffic and threw
eggs, batteries and spark plugs at cops and their patrol horses.
C’mon, people! One Day emphatically supports third world countries from
Alabama to Zaire, but we cannot support the throwing of batteries at horses.
And besides, bringing defenseless horses into the midst of a potential riot
is both cruel and unusual! Where you at, PETA??

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27
Proof #3: Inanimate objects attack humans. It’s Wednesday and another
beautiful day in Portland. Laurelhurst resident Barry David Hornstein takes a deep breath of fresh air as he steps out into the cool, sunny morning
and strides toward his car–but what’s this? There’s a paper bag in his
driveway near his automobile. Hmmthat’s odd. An errant paper bag in the carefully
groomed neighborhood of Laurelhurst? Unusual, yes, but not an uncommon occurrence:
Even the most utopian communities have litterbugs. And so, rather than disposing
of the bag in his curbside container, Hornstein decided to give the bag a
gentle kick to move it away from–KABOOOOOM! The innocent
bag explodes! Debris is thrown several hundred feet, and Hornstein is rushed
to the hospital for emergency foot surgery. Thankfully, the man is now resting
in stable condition, buts according to police, why the bag exploded is a mystery.
Or is it? As has been proven conclusively so far this week, the
downtrodden of Portland (old folks, anarchists and now, paper bags) have decided
they’ve been kicked around by inept and controlling bureaucrats long enough.
“Look out, Portland!” one can almost hear the paper bags scream, “Your day of
reckoning is fast approaching!”

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28
Proof #4: City infrastructure crumbles from within! Two critical components
of Portland’s municipal infrastructure collided today–literally! On Northeast
122nd Avenue and Burnside, a westbound MAX train brutally attacked and
rammed a city fire truck on its way to a call. Responding to a fire in
the 11000 block of SE Ankeny, the fire truck (with lights and alarms blaring)
was innocently crossing the MAX track when–WHAMMO! The train, with no
regard for the safety of its passengers or the firefighters, broadsided the
oncoming engine. Luckily, no injuries were reported. However, as taxpayers,
how are we supposed to react to such petty bickering and senseless acts of violence
within our city’s motorpool? Is this normal? No, it is not! It’s simply
another sad example of the inherent evil which threatens to tear our city’s
civilization out by the roots. Tsk! Tsk! TSK!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29
Proof # 5: Only 14 days until the 32,000-square-foot Banana Republic opens on Pioneer Square

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 30
Proof #6: The death of irony. Anything edgy dies when it’s mainstreamed,
and so irony went the way of Journey when The Oregonian reported today
that insincerity had found its way into the Oregon Voters’ Pamphlet.
Indeed, this season’s Voters’ Pamphlet will feature 6 arguments in favor of
Measure 9 that are completely, one hundred percent ironic. Measure 9
is the most recent conservative attempt to limit discussion of homosexuality in schools to cautionary mental hygiene films with titles like Boys Beware! and Cindy Stays Straight. (What next? Banning Indigo Girls t-shirts
from P.E.?) The fake endorsements, submitted by Measure 9 opponents, parody
the goofy self-delusion of Measure 9 supporters, and feature persuasive arguments
like “agree with us or burn in hell.” Don’t get us wrong. We support guerilla
political tactics of all kinds and we think that “agree with us or burn in hell”
is gosh-darn funny. But irony is our bread and butter. The final death
rattle of irony can only set in motion dark and desolate days. We know what
follows ironic. We looked it up. Two words: Iron lungs. It won’t
be pretty.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1 Proof #7:
Rampant repetitive stress injury. In yet another blow to slackers, US
West (did you hear they’re now Qwest?) instituted mandatory “ten digit
dialing” today. Since only four people knew about this before it happened,
we thought we’d outline the new rules for all of you who, like us, met with
a busy signal the first sixty-four times we tried to call Pizza Oasis today. To the best of our reckoning it goes something like this: if you live
in the 503 area code and do not live in a coastal county, you now have to dial
an area code all the time, including when you check your voicemail, unless you
are calling 911 or 411 or playing “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” Sometimes
you have to dial a one before the area code, but not when you’re calling Tigard.
Occasionally you will have to dial a 971 before a number that should be in the
503 area code but isn’t, which means you’ll have to remember to leave enough
space on the napkin when asking for someone’s number in a bar. There may be
other rules involving rotary phones or modems, but we don’t know them. Clearly
this is an example of The Man trying, once again, to keep working people
down (or at least super busy). Mark our words: if the discontent doesn’t spark
a revolt, the carpal tunnel will.
Portland Libre!

Send your examples of society’s collapse to ann@portlandmercury.com