MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27
Tonight, Vice President Al Gore asked for America’s patience with
his legal challenge of George W. Bush’s certified victory in Florida. America
responded with “Huh? Patience? Surewhatever” and went back to watching Ally
McBeal to see if Robert Downey Jr. looked high. Meanwhile, if anyone
cares, One Day had the worst day of her life today! The day started
off when we were leaving the house and noticed that one of our brand new Steve
Madden shoes ripped at the seam, which was just enough to distract us from
the large pile of dog poo we stepped in. Then, driving to work, a man in a truck
flipped us off for no reason! When we arrived at work, at least three people
asked if we smelled dog poop, to which we responded, “Yes, we smell poop,
and we see it too! HERE!!” as we showed them the befouled bottom of our torn Steve
Madden. At lunch, we got in a fight with our husband Kip because we’re
PMSing and accidentally said something rude about his Christian sister–but here’s
where things went really bad. After lunch, we stopped at Java Macabre for a caramel
apple cider which sloshed on our hand and burned us. As we were leaving we simply
couldn’t take it any more and cried out, “WE HATE THE WORLD TODAY!” just
in time to round the corner and see a bum vomit at our feet. Sounds like
the world isn’t too fond of us, either.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28
Researchers this week believe they have confirmed a long-held suspicion that women listen better than men. A crack-team of audiologists at the
University of Toronto subjected a group of men and women to an audio tape reading
of John Grisham’s The Brethren. By scanning the electromagnetic
activity of the subjects’ brains while they listened to the thriller, the Canadian whiz team was able to compare the listening habits between genders.
Surprise, surprise! Men only use half of their brains while listening,
the scientists found. What the scientists weren’t able to conclude, however,
is whether the subjected men were simply impervious to the wily, page-turning
charms of Grisham or if the results would have been the same if, say, they were
forced to listen to replays of last year’s Stanley Cup?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29
While One Day generally likes to stay away from those “News of the
Weird” type of stories that happen in faraway countries like Bhutan–this one
is irresistible! Today, a customer at a McDonald’s restaurant in Newport
News, Virginia, opened up her box of chicken wings and found a fried chicken’s
head. The woman–one Katherine Ortega–was uncommonly surprised to find
that a dead animal’s head had somehow found it’s way into her food, regardless
of the fact that McDonald’s is well-reputed for serving over a billion
mass-produced frozen animal parts per day. In fact, she stormed up to the restaurant’s
manager and informed him that “I usually look at my foodbut I shouldn’t have
to look that closely to see THAT!” while pointing at the crispy fried chicken
head. The manager was quick to make things right with the woman by giving Ortega
another order of chicken (gee, thanks!). He also offered to return the chicken’s
head to the distribution company (where they will probably place it in their
museum of unusual “found” food products, alongside the rat-tail yakisoba,
and gangster-thumb fettuccine).

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30
Today, while anarchists engaged in a post-WTO nostalgia march in Seattle,
funnyman David Spade was tasered by his personal assistant in Beverly
Hills! Spade, who is best known for his work in Saturday Night Live and
more recently in the unamusing sitcom Just Shoot Me, was awakened at
6 am by his personal aide who shocked him with a stun gun. The assistant,
29-year-old David Malloy of Los Angeles, was apparently trying to rob his boss’
house, and took off as Spade spazzed out on the floor. After dialing
911, Spade was treated and released by paramedics and the police caught up with
Malloy soon after. It’s currently unclear whether Spade will press charges as
the two have been good friends for five years, and Spade believes that Malloy
is “mentally troubled.” Two bits of evidence would counteract that accusation,
however; Malloy lives with the very hot actress Kristy Swanson, as well
as the fact that he shocked David Spade with a stun gun, which isn’t quite as
crazy as it is hilarious.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 1
According to the front page of the New York Times today, MAD COW DISEASE
is PANICKING EUROPE. Is this news? Europe is always panicking about something.
If it’s not the bubonic plague, it’s EuroDisney. If it’s not the Crusades, it’s
Hollywood. If it’s not nukes, it’s the price of petrol. You know who’s always
behind it, don’t you? It’s the French. They’re always there in their
berets waving their baguettes around, using their special language, and whining
about whatnot. Acid rain. The ozone. Organic produce. Fascism. They get all
their neighbors jazzed up on eclairs and then bring up “the Resistance,” and
how a few French rebels are somehow responsible for winning back Europe from
the Nazis. (Hello? Remember the Vichy?) Now they’ve started up with their beef
worries and everyone from Athens to Hamburg is all-a-twitter. These were, after
all, the people who wanted to euthanize the English during their little bovine
spongiform encephalopathy scare. Our advice? Stop the hysteria and eat at Burger King, mes amis. They don’t use real meat anyway.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 2
In the latest Florida election twist, The Oregonian reported today that
at least 445 felons voted illegally in the state of Florida. That number
only reflects a review of nearly half a million ballots cast in 12 Florida counties.
If the numbers hold across all 67 counties, it could mean that upwards of 5,000
felons voted statewide. This is despite the state’s multi-million dollar purge
of dead and illegal voters from the lists of registered voters, which makes
one wonder if a few dead folks may have made the rolls as well. The thieves,
murderers and highwaymen, bless their hearts, voted overwhelmingly Democratic.
The dead, we suspect, voted Republican.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 3
Has anyone else been impressed with the sheer number of flags the candidates
have been able to squeeze into a camera shot these days? One flag just doesn’t
cut it anymore, because the more flags you stand next to, the more presidential
you’ll look, and the more people in Peoria, Illinois, will, when polled, name
you the sole and rightful leader of the universe. How silly has it gotten? Let’s
review. According to the New York Times (which cares about such things),
here are some personal bests: Bush: Nov. 26, two large flags. Cheney: Nov. 27,
14 Old Glories. Gore: Later that night, eight Yankee Hankies. Bush: Nov. 28,
342 large flags stacked like cordwood. Cheney: Dec. 1, 411 tiny little flags
on toothpicks. Gore: Dec. 2, spotted jogging with daughters in a flag-patterned
lycra bodysuit. If that doesn’t win it for him, ain’t nothing will.

So what happened to YOU this week? ann@portlandmercury.com