MONDAY, DECEMBER 11
Today, The Oregonian shocked Portland with the headline “Sneaker Wave
May Be Cause of Man’s Death.” An unnamed 75-year-old man was found floating off
the Oregon coast last Friday, an apparent victim of a “sneaker wave”–waves so
sneaky, they creep up on old people and actually sweep them into the ocean! Charles
K. Sollitt, the director of OSU’s Wave Research Laboratory (your tax dollars at
work, folks!) offered this stern warning to our states beach-walking octogenarians.
“Be very cognizant of the fact that if you turn your back to the surf, there might
be debris in a sneaker wave [driftwood, an old boot, numchucks] that can actually
knock you down.” One Day would also like to remind everyone that our beaches
are far too dangerous for older citizens, and are much better suited for the young,
the strong, and most importantly, the nude. So stay home, gramps, and watch Matlock.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 12
It must have seemed like karma giving him a swift kick in the ass: A group of
200 vocal gays and lesbians gathered at the Metropolitan Church to chastise
Chief Kroeker about taped comments he made a decade ago disparaging homosexuality
and condoning disciplining children with canoe paddles. One older “friend of
Dorothy” asked a litany of rhetorical religious questions, including “Does your
Jesus carry a 9-millimeter?” The crowd applauded, and Kroeker looked like he’d
swallowed a three-year-old quart of milk. In spite of contentious differences,
however, the crowd agreed with Chief Kroeker on one point: their love for canines.
Later in the evening, a self-identified “animal activist” asked Kroeker if he
had considered supplying bulletproof vests for the patrol dogs. The Chief responded
“yes.” The crowd applauded, reminding Kroeker that perhaps there is a god after
all.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 13
Today, the United States got a new President. After a month full of political
manipulation by both sides, Al Gore conceded the election saying “I do have
one regret: that I didn’t get the chance to stay and fight for the American
people over the next four years, especially for those who feel their voices
have not been heard. I heard you and I will not forget.” President-elect George
W. Bush also spoke this evening, but no one was listening, because well, c’mon.
He’s a fucking idiot. Besides! Who could concentrate on the stupid presidency
when it’s snowing outside? However, while Portland may have been a winter wonderland
for some, for others it was a freezing, snow-blanketed version of hell! Here’s
an example: At 10:40 pm a group of people were walking across the icy Interstate
bridge. Suddenly, a car began sliding out of control, heading straight toward
one of the pedestrians who felt an icicle of fear pierce his heart. “I I have
nowhere to go!” we think the man might have thought to himself. “If I stay,
I shall surely be crushed! If I jump, I shall surely perish in the icy waters
below! What will I do??” Then, the man made his choice, and leapt off the bridge!
“Ohhh cruel irony!” we think he might’ve said, falling to the water below. “To
die in the frigid clutches of the Willamette. This really sucks.” Luckily,
this story ends happily. The man was rescued by a portly angel in search of
his wings, and given a vision of what life might’ve been like had he never been
born. Then he was delivered to his home where there was a big party and a little
bell ringing on the Christmas tree which was supposed to signify that his angel
rescuer had indeed received his wings, and everyone lived happily ever after.
(Except for the fact that we now have a fucking idiot for a President.)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 14
Wow! There’s an epidemic of teenage drag racers in town! And not only that,
it was reported today that a Portland police vehicle was used in some of these
young hot rodders’ foul deeds. Police discovered a video on a Northwest street
racing website that featured an unmarked police car burning rubber and spinning
in circles with a rock ‘n’ roll musical accompaniment. As it turned out, this
car was identified as the take-home car of Lt. Greg Hendricks of the department’s
inspections and control unit, and the driver? Well, that would be Hendricks’
own teenage son. Though no actions have been taken against the embarrassed pop,
punishment could entail a reprimand or even a suspension. Regardless, One
Day would like to declare a cease and desist
on all teen dragsters! Not only is it dangerous, but even worse, it inspires those
controlling gentrification-happy yuppies in our Northeast neighborhoods to install
speed bumps, and that slows everyone down. So, please, kids take your racing
to the icy Interstate bridge where it belongs.


FRIDAY, DECEMBER 15
Today, the Associated Press reported the much-anticipated results of the
annual study of drug use among America’s youth. As many of you are young, American,
and use drugs, we thought you might be interested in the numbers. Here they
are: 8 percent of high school seniors said they had used ecstasy in the past
year, 1.5 percent of seniors said they had used heroin this year, and 36.5 percent
of seniors had used marijuana in the past year. While use of ecstasy and heroin
increased, use of marijuana remained at its 1999 levels. Of the 36.5 percent
who had used marijuana, 72 percent said they had used “Mexican ditch weed,”
17 percent said they had used “kind bud,” and only 11 percent said they had
scored some “good shit
.” Drug Czar General Barry McCaffrey, troubled by the lack of good shit available
to today’s teens, promised an immediate committee meeting to address the shortage.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 16
We have the facts, and we’re voting “No” on the new Regal Fox Tower Cinemas.
Why? It’s not because the much anticipated 10-plex “art house” forces us to
watch the dreaded-evil-midget-Pepsi-girl-Western short before every feature.
It’s not because the last time we attended a film at Fox Tower they were OUT
OF COFFEE. It’s not even because today, while we were watching Dancer In
The Dark at the Fox Tower, an alarm started going off at the exact emotional
climax of the movie and then continued to go off for the entire duration of
said movie. No, the reason the Fox Towers blows is because it could have been
so cool. We wanted it to be so cool, and Regal just slapped up another other
fucking suburban mall theater, and we hate that. (And the Pepsi girl. We really
hate the Pepsi girl.)

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 17
According to The Oregonian today, a woman’s suicidal plunge from a plane
on Thursday was not reported until 40 minutes after the plane had landed because
of “shock among the witnesses” and “deafening noise in the cabin.” It seems
that when the co-pilot rushed back to close the open emergency exit from which
the woman had plunged, the other passengers were not able to communicate what
had happened over the noise of the open door. Yet another reason to always travel
with a sign language translator. Or a mime.

E-mail: ann@portlandmercury.com