MONDAY, DECEMBER 25
Roughly a couple of centuries ago today, in the City of David, a Savior was
born who came to be known as Christ the Lord. After discovering this babe
lying in a manger, a multitude of angels suddenly appeared, praising God, and
saying, “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”
FAST FORWARD 2032 YEARS!! Today at One Day‘s house, we celebrated
Christ’s birth by giving our dog Rowdy a rubber steak. We [our husband
Kip and I] thought the rubber squeaking steak was quite possibly the cutest thing
ever, and would provide Rowdy with years of chewing, squeaking enjoyment.
As it turned out, however, Rowdy was apparently expecting a steak made not out
of rubber, but out of actual meat. After spitting out the faux ribeye as if it
consisted of broken glass and battery acid, the dog went on a rampage,
knocking over the tree, breaking Mother’s gift of a cookie jar shaped like a pig,
and sending the cat scampering up the drapes. To make up for our egregious error,
we gave Rowdy a leftover duck leg secured from a Chinese restaurant. This
culinary delight seemed to soothe the savage beast, and Christmas was indeed saved–that
is, until we were woken in the middle of the night by the sound of Rowdy vomiting up the duck leg, and then lapping it back up. As the angels said, “Glory to God
in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill toward men.”

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 26
After finally apprehending Brandon Lester Clayton, who was wanted in
connection with at least two armed robberies, deputies of the Washington County
Sheriff department (whoopsy!) lost him. The first report claimed that Clayton
had mulekicked the rear window and wormed his way out of the patrol car.
The sheriff later revised their statement (i.e., they lied!) to say that, in
fact, the deputies had left the suspect alone for, ohcouldn’t have been more
than 90 seconds, in the backseat of the car with, shall we say, the keys in
the ignition! Amazingly, the robber didn’t steal the car, but he did roll down
the vehicle’s power windows, climbed out and ran like hell. Clayton makes a
hat trick for the Sheriff’s Department: A few months ago, a desk clerk at the
sheriff’s office turned away a confessed murderer, and in February, a serial
rapist escaped from the custody of a jail deputy. Still, sheriff officials called
today’s escape “a fluke.” At press time, officials had no idea about
Clayton’s whereabouts, or whether they plan to continue their catch-and-release
policy into the new year.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 27
Whoopee! Today, the editors of Science magazine revealed what they deemed
to be the “breakthrough of the year” for 2000, and the winner is “deciphering
the genetic code of plants, humans and insects!” As it turns out, researchers
have been busy little bees, and, as of August, have sequenced and archived more
than 4 billion base pairs of DNA. Scientists hope this achievement will
revolutionize the way we make drugs, cure disease, and clone Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Today was also a breakthrough of sorts for Willamette Week, who
finally admitted that any attempts to expand their newspaper empire in Seattle
would be a dismal failure. Fearing it would become a “pale imitation”
of their already crappy paper, they said the Seattle version would end up primarily
catering to “painfully self-aware white twentysomethings” instead of the painfully
self-aware white fiftysomethings they cater to currently. We congratulate the
WW for fulfilling their resolution to become more self-aware, and we
would like to also announce our New Year’s resolution. We will hereby stop making
fun of the Willamette Week–not because they don’t deserve it, but frankly
we’re starting to feel it’s becoming similar in nature to beating up on a
retard.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 28
A new Metro forecast, designed to help city planners deal with urban growth,
projected that the Portland/Vancouver area will see a population increase of 809,400 new residents by next Thursday. Comprising mostly “young working-age
adults,” this unexpected growth spurt is said to have been caused by new high-tech
industries, as well as the new Andrew Smash restaurant on 23rd Avenue, which
sells meatless burgers. Citizens are advised to remain calm, as this population
explosion will only mean that basic provisions such as the prices for food and
housing will shoot through the roof. However, on the up side, this will also
force all the stinky poor people to start camping out in those handy street-corner
incinerators set up by the Mayor’s office.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 29
Today One Day observed a small girl child receive a toy referred to as
a “Poo-Chi.” A “Poo-Chi” is a small robotic dog that chirps and whistles
and walks. It does not have an off switch. The only way to put “Poo-Chi” into
a deep sleep or coma state, is to leave it in absolute quiet for several
minutes. This is very difficult to do in a home with a small child. We mention
this, because we have learned that “Poo-Chi,” along with its sister product
“Meow-Chi,” has sold well this holiday season. Hundreds of thousands
of the “Chi” pets are currently chirping in subdivisions everywhere. According
to Hasbro literature, it is possible for them to communicate with one another.
If you know of a “Poo-Chi” or “Meow-Chi” we urge you to destroy it and
take the pieces to a landfill immediately. If they organize, we’re doomed.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 30
In a major setback to the Bush campaign, The New York Times reported
today that, according to new numbers, Democratic presidential candidate Al Gore
has pulled ahead in the popular vote by 500,000 votes. Oh, waitaww, just
forget it.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 31
Today The New York Times informed us that–in yet another blow to the
limitless potential of human imagination–the biggest baby names of the year
were Michael and Hannah, followed by such original gems as Jacob, Matthew,
Emily and Sarah. Other names on the list? Conformity, Bland, Ennui, Boring,
Popular, Prosaic, Dull, and Ho-Hum. Why don’t parents name their children something
unique and lovely? Like “Ann.”

Meanwhile, city officials crapped their pants when a “mini-riot” broke out in Pioneer Courthouse Square tonight, in which windows were smashed, bottles were thrown, and our status as America’s “most livable city for the wealthy” was seriously threatened. After some merry-makers began climbing the Square’s Christmas tree, police shooed them down, and surrounded the tree. Taking this as an attack on our basic right to make jackasses out of ourselves on New Year’s Eve, the crowd turned down Southwest Morrison, where they began smashing store windows, turning over plants, and knocking over newspaper boxes. There was one happy note to tonight’s melee, however; according to witnesses on the scene, not a single Portland Mercury newspaper box was tipped over. We would like to think it’s because even a 19-year-old anarchist respects the Mercury‘s commitment to Portland’s news and entertainment scene. Buton the other hand, they may have left us alone because it would have felt like beating up on a retard.

email ann@portlandmercury.com