MONDAY, JANUARY 8
Have you ever had one of those days where everything is going just great, and
then MTV decides to call? God knows that the Mercury loves talking
on the phone, but when MTV calls, it’s like your Uncle Charlie ringing up to chat
about his hemorroids, and then asking to spot him fifty bucks. Today when
MTV called, they were looking for some suggestions for what Portland venues would
be appropriate to hold their stupid Real World auditions. Apparently, they
are travelling to cities around the country looking for the perfect group of twentysomethings
who are willing to embarrass themselves on TV. Their requirements were simple
enough; the venue should be able to hold around 800, and popular enough to attract
those finicky people from Tigard. Okay, so we suggested the Crystal Ballroom.
“Nope, they’re having a wedding that day.” (!!!) Okayhow about Berbati’s? “Nope,
they turned us down.” (We don’t blame them.) How about the Roseland, then? “They
turned us down, too.” HUH?? That’s like the Vatican snubbing Jesus Christ!
So, why were they turned down? “Because none of these venues would do it for free.”
That’s right, MTV, owned by Viacom, is one of the biggest corporations in the
world, and still too goddamned cheap to spring for one lousy night at the
Roseland! Maybe it’s because they think we Portlanders are so fucking provincial
that we’d do backflips just because the all mighty MTV is coming to town? Well,
SCREW the Real World and SCREW YOU, MTV!! (And that goes for Carson
Daly, andandwhat’s her name? Oh, yeah! Nina Blackwood, too!)

TUESDAY, JANUARY 9
It’s true; One Day often enjoys looking on the brighter side of life.
However (and we’re ashamed to admit this), sometimes even we like to slow down
to look at a car wreck. If you’re not one of these people, perhaps you should
speed right past Tuesday directly to Wednesday. Today in Great Falls, Montana,
Nathaniel Bar-Jonah pleaded not guilty to crimes that could easily make Jeffrey
Dahmer look like Mary Poppins. Bar-Jonah had previously spent 12 years in
the Massachusetts Treatment Center for the Sexually Dangerous (!!) for the attempted
murder of 2 teenage boys, but was released in ’91 on the condition that he move
to Montana where his mother resided. Naturally, Montana authorities were not
informed of this move. Here it is alleged that Bar-Jonah followed 10-year-old
Zachary Ramsay to school, and kidnapped him after shooting him with a stun
gun. But here’s where it gets really bad. It is then alleged that he tied
the boy to a sheet of plywood and chopped him into little pieces to use in cooking.
Worse still, neighbors report Bar-Jonah had brought them spaghetti, stew meat,
chili, and a pot pie–all containing a “strange-tasting” meat.

AUGHH!!! I can’t talk about this anymore!! Go to Wednesday! GO TO WEDNESDAY!!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 10
Scientists at OHSU took a huge leap forward today for humankind in their
efforts to eventually clone the dreamy Russell Crowe. Using some pilfered
DNA strands, a few spare parts from a nearby cemetery and duct tape, the group
of scientists from OHSU announced today that they had genetically engineered
a monkey. The baby rhesus monkey is the closest evolutionary relative to
humans ever to be brought into existence by scientists. However, proving that
their medical knowledge is keener than their wit, the scientists called the
godless pint-sized freak of nature “ANDi” which is backwards for “i(nserted)
DNA” (or, more likely, after that stupid Domino’s Pizza moppet). Meanwhile,
in Forest Grove, never one to be left out of a trend, McMenamin’s announced
today that they unknowingly had a lab of their own. While cleaning rooms at
the McMenamin’s Grand Lodge, a maid discovered what appeared to be a meth
lab spread across two rooms in the hotel. Although McMenamin’s pubs and
restaurant are commonly decorated with painted moons, Grateful Dead paraphernalia
and other emblems of hippie culture–who, in case you didn’t know, are rumored
to be heavy drug users–managers at Grand Lodge have distanced themselves, claiming
absolutely no responsibility for the portable labs. Apparently this also means
there are no plans to introduce a winter batch of McMethamins Ale.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 11
Today, a long lost notebook belonging to The Doors’ Jim Morrison was
put on the Internet auction block. Written in longhand, the contents included
both poetry and prose, and the book was given to a close friend only weeks before
Morrison was found dead in his bathtub. This is a particularly important discovery
because it finally exposes what many people have suspected from the beginning:
that Jim Morrison was just another talentless dirty hippie. Here’s a
poetic quote from the book for those who still have their doubts: “Soon they
will be here. Who? O gentle listener, soon. I write these words in the narrow
privacy of my cell to a Mexican girl. Jailer I hear your keys dangling
and clamoring in the long hallway. The Universe, one line, is a long
snake and we each are facets on its jeweled skin” Peeee-EWW! And we thought
Maya Angelou was bad!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 12
Today, in reports carried by newspapers across the country, the U.S. officially
admitted playing “a role” in the No Gun Ri massacre during the Korean
War in which many South Korean civilians were murdered. President Clinton
acknowledged his own “deep regret,” stopping short of an apology.
This came as a shock to many Americans, who did not know that President Clinton
had served in Korea. Many conservative members of the House were pleased by
the revelation that Clinton had apparently been a part of No Gun Ri, and stood
by his refusal to formally apologize for the gruesome slaughter. Many expressed
their own “deep regret” for believing him to be a draft-dodging-longhaired-war-hating-pussy,
when he apparently was, after all, a man’s man. When aides explained that Clinton
was expressing regret on behalf of all of us, and not personally, the Representatives
immediately withdrew to chambers and declared war on India.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 13
Former president Ronald Reagan broke his hip today. A stress injury caused,
no doubt, by too many years of leaning toward the right.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 14
Yesterday, The Oregonian dropped the bomb that Alec Baldwin and
Kim Basinger had filed for divorce. As if that weren’t earthshaking enough,
today the paper followed up with another dropped bomb–a 7,600-pound nuclear one dumped by a crippled Air Force plane off the Georgia coast in 1957. BUT
DON’T WORRY. The Air Force spent a whole couple of weeks looking for it 43 years
ago, and it didn’t turn up then, so it probably won’t. Besides, the military
is insisting, despite contrary accounts, that the bomb is not fully armed, though
it does contain “radioactive uranium.” President Clinton has expressed
“deep regret” in advance. But stopped short of an apology.

Send your hot tips or statements of “deep regret” to ann@portlandmercury.com