MONDAY, FEBRUARY 26
Hollywood! The billy-ballyhoo of Hollywood! Yes, America loves the
various goings-ons of thick-headed celebrities, and so, One Day feels a
holy obligation to pass on any knowledge we may acquire. For example, this horrifying
item from Rome, Italy: Director Martin Scorsese almost trampled by pigs! As
it turns out, Marty is having a hell of a time trying to shoot his new film, Gangsters
in New York in Rome. The flick is dreadfully behind schedule to the point
of pulling spoiled star Liam Neeson out of the sack and shooting scenes
on (GASP!) Saturday! And his female lead, the ever-perky Cameron Diaz?
Sick! With the flu! But the straw that broke the camel’s back occurred
when a pack of wild pigs (let’s not ask what they were doing there) got
their curly-cue tails in a knot (probably from having to work on Saturdays) and
charged the brilliant director who gave us Goodfellas and The Last Temptation
of Christ! Luckily for cinephiles everywhere, a lowly assistant threw
herself in front of the marauding swine. However, though Scorsese was able to
laugh the incident off, no one knows what happened to the heroic assistant, mainly
because no one EVER finds out what happens to heroic assistants. She could be
dead for all we know, lying trampled beneath the hooves of filthy pigs. And you
can bet your sweet tushy that when Scorsese wins his next Academy Award, not a
goddamn word will be breathed for the assistant who lay down her life for an overrated
Hollywood hack. But One Day knows, and One Day will never forget.
Ever.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 27
Don’t like depressing news? Then move on to Wednesday, because this one will
undoubtedly send you into a downward spiral only the most cheerful will be able
to pull themselves out of. The Oregonian reported today the truly tragic
case of an 11-year-old Portland girl who was abducted, beaten, and forced
to turn tricks for four days in Vancouver, B.C.’s infamous “kiddie stroll”–a
street frequented by pedophiles looking for underage prostitutes. The girl,
who lives in a foster home, was picked up in a Portland parking lot by three
kidnappers and told she could make a lot of money by going with them to
Canada. After taking her across the border, they pumped her up with acid,
speed, cocaine, and ecstasy and dumped her out on to the street. Forced
to work 11 to 12 hours at a time, the girl was finally discovered by a Vancouver
vice officer. With a little encouragement she told the officer exactly what
happened, and in less than two hours her captors were arrested. All three were
charged in Vancouver, but Portland authorities are working in conjunction with
the FBI to ensure that these horrible people are incarcerated for the rest of
their lives, before they are ultimately discarded for eternity into the lowest
echelon of Hell–if you believe in that sort of thing. And we’re starting
to.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Irish authorities had a rough day today disinfecting visitors from Britain
after officials confirmed that the highly contagious foot-and-mouth disease had crossed the Irish Sea. Scientists indicate the disease probably originated
in sheep imported from whoaa whoaaaaaaa WHOAAAA AAAAAA!!!! HEY! Did you feel
that?!? That was an EARTHQUAKE! Aww, cool! Everything was shaking, and
I was likeWhoa! Let’s see how big it waswoo-hoo! 6.8 on the Richter scale!
WOW! Where did it come from? Interesting 35 miles southwest of SeattleHEY! Maybe
Seattle was hit by a TSUNAMI! Nono such luck. However, it did shatter windows, dropped bricks from the Starbucks headquarters onto the sidewalks,
and trapped 30 people on top of a swaying Space Needle!! Ha!! That’s
just great! But wait! Here’s the best part! Microsoft founder Bill
Gates was making a speech at a technology conference when the big one hit,
sending the horrified audience bolting for the door, as screams filled the air
and overhead lights fell to the floor! YES!! It’s just like a Irwin Allen movie! We love earthquakes! Can we do it again? Pleeeeease??

THURSDAY, MARCH 1
In more earthshaking news, Sean “Puffy” Combs took the witness stand
today to declare that he had never packed a weapon and did not offer a $50,000 bribe on the night three people were shot inside a Manhattan
hip hop club. He also swore that he had never done drugs, watched “Temptation
Island,” or lied to his mother. Combs is charged, along with bodyguard Anthony
“Wolf” Jones, with weapon possession and bribery. Another member of his
posse, Jamal “Shyne” Barrow, is charged with attempted murder. Several
other people were reportedly detained after the incident, but not charged when
it was discovered they only had two names.

FRIDAY, MARCH 2
According to the Toronto Globe and Mail news service (there is
nowhere we won’t go to find you news), one of Ontario’s biggest dams is at risk
of collapsing at the slightest tremor. Built in the late ’50s, the Conestgo
Dam holds back a wall of water more than two houses high and five miles
long, upriver from a region of about 800,000 hockey fans. The Canadian government
has asked that the U.S. send help, specifically in the form of screening copies
of Hard Rain, a flood disaster film staring Christian Slater and
Minnie Driver. Hollywood executives, all who are busy developing new disaster
movies about California power outages, declined Canada’s request for screeners,
but did offer to send Christian Slater.

SATURDAY, MARCH 3
President Bush today promised help for earthquake-ravaged El Salvador. This
aid will come in the form of a $52 million reconstruction package this year
and next, as well as an 18-month INS hiatus on deporting El Salvadoran illegal
immigrants. The younger Bush pointed to America’s long tradition of aiding El
Salvador, and spoke fondly of the ’80s, when the U.S. trained the El Salvadoran
military death squads, supplied weapons, and helped quash troublesome peasant
uprisings. President Bush also said that among all the “little brown ones” he feels a particular affinity for El Salvadorans because he once had an El
Salvadoran cocaine dealer of whom he grew very fond. Hollywood, in its first
public support of the president, applauded Bush’s decision and made a plea to
extend the 18-month hiatus for domestic help and cartel workers. Bush is said
to be considering the general amnesty on humanitarian grounds.

SUNDAY, MARCH 4
Big news today. According to the Boston Globe, the U.S. may not be prepared
for an asteroid impact. This conclusion comes compliments of a recently
released scientific report, which calls present asteroid disaster planning “haphazard
and unbalanced.” The scientists also believe that the public might panic and
go “nuts.” Uh, yeah! The biggest threat of an asteroid impact, they say, is
a tsunami, which is why we offer this bit of tsunami-wrangling wisdom
we found on a brochure at the coast: DO NOT GO DOWN TO THE BEACH TO WATCH THE
TSUNAMI. THEY MOVE FASTER THAN YOU CAN RUN. In the meantime the Federal Emergency
Management Agency (FEMA) is reported to have called Ben Affleck to the capital
for training. He may be our only hope.