MONDAY, MAY 7
Poor, poor P. Diddy! Believe it or don’t, in an interview with Vanity
Fair, Sean “Puffy” Combs, the recently acquitted rap impresario,
is STILL carrying a torch for the bootylicious Jennifer “J. Lo” Lopez who kicked his ass to the curb this past Valentine’s Day. According to Mr.
Diddy, he is absolutely befuddled as to what went wrong (Hello? Speeding
through Manhattan tossing guns out of windows isn’t the quickest way to a girl’s
heart!), and claims he devoted his life to J. Lo. “Sometimes, when two people
get together,” Puffy reflected, “you feel a certain type of spark that’s like,
Yo!” But luckily for all involved, there’s no hard feelings. “She’ll always
be someone I love,” he said wistfully. “All she’s gotta do is think–she doesn’t
even need to pick up a phone–and I’ll be able to feel her. [Ewww!] And speaking
of emasculated celebrities…
The New York Post reported today that John Wayne Bobbitt wants to sell the kitchen knife that whacked off his hoo-hoo for $3 million on E-bay. His lawyer, Jack Gordon, claims the surgically reconstructed porn star is going to court to ask for the return of the knife his ex-wife Lorena used to dismember his penis. After all, says Gordon, “It’s a piece of American history.” Waitasecond. Is he talking about the knife or the penis?
TUESDAY, MAY 8
P. Diddy isn’t the only one nursing a broken heart… Today, Portland Trail
Blazer General Manager Bob Whitsett, ended his four-season affair with
coach Mike Dunleavy. Though they had planned to stay together forever
(or at least one more season) Dunleavy was unceremoniously dumped for, as some
have stated, not “putting out.” However, Dunleavy was quick to defend himself.
“It was all our fault,” he said. “I’m just not a quitter. I think we could have
worked through this.” Not wanting to look like the bad guy, Whitsitt pointed
out, “I’m not blaming Mike for anything. Everything that goes on with this franchise
is my responsibility.” However, it’s very apparent that Whitsitt is ready to
start playing the field. “After I work through some of our difficult issues,
I have to step up and start thinking about next season.” At last report, Dunleavy
was sitting in dirty pajamas on his couch, going through his third pint of Ben
& Jerry’s Chubby Hubby, and watching Meg Ryan in When a Man
Loves a Woman.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 9
This week Oklahoma City bomber Timothy McVeigh was granted a stay of
execution until June 11th–which will give David Woodard plenty of time
to practice his trumpet! Woodard, a Los Angeles composer, will perform a trumpet
aria in honor of McVeigh on his execution day. The 12-minute aria (called “Ave
Atque Vale” or “Onward Valiant Soldier”) is intended to “provide comfort” to
the man who killed 168 people in the bombing of the Oklahoma City federal building.
“Because he is such an unusual person,” Woodard said, “I feel he deserves some
sort of tribute.” Woodard then went on to expose himself as even a bigger freak
by comparing McVeigh to Jesus Christ who “was 33 and universally despised at
the time of his execution.” And, if you had any further doubts regarding his
freakishness, he claimed McVeigh has “a messianic quality” and is “an amazing,
albeit misguided talent.” Wow! We wonder what he thinks of Kenny G?
THURSDAY, MAY 10
It was “Prisoner Appreciation Day” at the Multnomah County Detention Center,
and to celebrate, prisoners were allowed to testify in court over treatment
they had recently received. For example, Dennis Poe (a Portland cab driver)
claims he was tied down to a restraining board in the Center’s interrogation
room, when Sgt. Jeffrey A. Ristvet entered. After requesting to see a supervisor,
Poe says Ristvet leaned over, grabbed Poe’s hair, and while pointing to the
stripes on his uniform, said, “I’m in (expletive) charge.” [We bet he said “fucking.”]
Poe then testified that Ristvet “takes his foot and sticks it right on my face,
crunching my nose,” and later “walked on my chest and groin area.” While other
deputies say Poe was drunk and disorderly, nearby inmates heard slapping sounds
coming from inside the room. Ristvet told investigators he was simply “clapping”
to get the inmate’s attention. And who knows? Maybe when Ristvet was walking
on top of Poe, that was simply an exotic example of Swedish massage! It’s unfortunate,
some prisoners don’t appreciate anything.
FRIDAY, MAY 11
Confusion and disappointment reverberated through the drug community today when
the New York Times announced that President Bush had nominated John
Walters to be the nation’s drug czar, and not, as many had earlier believed,
independent filmmaker John Waters. John Walters differs from John Waters
in several regards: Walters is anti-treatment, anti-legalization, anti-medicinal
marijuana, and a square. Waters is smart, anti-establishment, anti-Republican,
and anti-square. Waters learned today of the error, and was reportedly distraught,
retreating into the arms of his friend, Patty Hearst.
SATURDAY, MAY 12
Trekkies report to the bridge! UPN announced today that Scott Bakula,
of Quantum Leap fame, has joined the Federation and will be piloting the Enterprise
in the new UPN Star Trek series, aptly titled Enterprise. Bakula will
follow in the regulation half-boots of several affirmative action captains,
including an African American male (Avery Brooks), a Caucasian female
(Kate Mulgrew), and a Frenchman (Patrick Stewart). The news that
the franchise had returned to the square-jawed, hunky white male formula met
with resounding approval from the Trekkie community, who are more Will Crusher than Bill Shatner. Bakula will play Jonathan Archer, a “physical and
intensely curious captain with a bold personality.” There will also be other
cast members on the show. But they are less important and will be in heavy make-up.
SUNDAY, MAY 13
In the continuing nationwide conspiracy against Arizona (they’re on to
us!), the Arizona Republic reported that their brightest students are being
unfairly looked over by the Ivy League. The prestigious East Coast schools accept
only one out of eight Arizona applicants, and Arizonans are itching for a fight.
They’re tired of the Arizona jokes, and the negative stereotypes, and the way
you snicker behind their backs. They may be liver-spotted, eczema-ridden and
on the verge of sunstroke, but every one of them is a direct descendant of Wyatt
Earp, and that should make up for any sort of intellectual deficit brought
on by lack of school funding or brain damage caused by rattler venom. Some experts
believe the state’s poor standing can be traced back to brain swelling caused
by the practice of leaving babies in hot white Cadillacs. Interestingly, many
of these students do quite well applying at Dartmouth.