MONDAY, MAY 14
His holiness the Dalai Lama arrived in Portland today to the cheers of
thousands of well-wishers (many of whom were not even Buddhists!). Students
from Portland and Southwest Washington poured into Memorial Coliseum to hear
him speak on topics as diverse as positive mental attitude, the unimportance
of material gain, and the always-controversial “world peace.” However,
there was one topic on which the Dalai Lama remained strangely silent–trampoline
safety. According to a report issued today by the American Academy of Orthopaedic
Surgeons, trampoline-related injuries are on the rise. In fact, according to
Dr. Paul W. Esposito, trampoline accidents have tripled since 1991.
While many trampoline injuries occur when a child or drunk adult falls off or through the mat, hits the rim, or lands badly after attempting a triple-backflip-layout, the highest danger occurs when two or more people are jumping at the same time. “The little guy always loses in this situation,” Esposito warned, adding that a smaller child or adult can be easily crunched between two fatter people. One Day joins Dr. Esposito (if not the Dalai Lama) in warning our readers of the importance of trampoline safety with the following tips: 1) Children and drunks should never trampoline unsupervised. 2) Never jump with bullies or people fatter than yourself. And 3) Do not attempt fancy tricks–unless you have positive mental outlook. (The Dalai Lama said that, not us.)
TUESDAY, MAY 15
Today the Dalai Lama spoke before a sold-out crowd at Portland State
University in a show titled “An Evening with the Dalai Lama.” While some participants
complained they thought it was going to include “ice-capades,” everyone generally
had a good time even though his holiness was ranking on the American way
of life. “This country, too much greed,” he said, adding it was a “total
lack of self-discipline” that prevents Americans from finding peace. In order
to achieve peace within oneself and through the world, the Dalai Lama’s key
words were “inner disarmament, external disarmament.” Naturally, the
one person in Portland who could’ve benefited most from those words was not
at PSU, but on a Tri-Met bus beating up on a blind person and her dog.
According to KOIN news, a blind woman by the name of Patricia Mitchell was on
the #15 bus going down Belmont street when a man began kicking her seeing-eye
dog for being in the way. Mitchell moved her dog, but after exiting the bus
told the man how disrespectful he had been. The man responded by knocking
her down before dashing off down the street like the cowardly asshole he
is. The suspect is still at large.
WEDNESDAY, MAY 16
Portland bade a fond farewell to the Dalai Lama today after his three-day
whirlwind tour, and everyone agreed we were all the better for his visit. And
along with his words of wisdom, he was also kind enough to leave us with some
juicy gossip, courtesy of One Day Hot Tipper Bridgette who sent
in the following scintillating tidbit that may or may not be true, but is certainly
worthy enough to run in this column. According to Bridgette, the Dalai Lama
was seen cavorting at the Saucebox along with The Hunted stars
Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro. Though she did not hear
the entire conversation, Bridgette says the three were engaged in a spirited
conversation about movies, Tibetan culture, and the rigors of celebrity.
At one point, Benicio was said to have noted that if Tibetans had access to
American staples such as booze, television, and barbecued ribs, “they would
be as fat as we are.” To which the Dalai Lama replied, “Well, I doubt that,
because yo’ mama is so fat, when she broke her arm, gravy ran out.” True story
or not, that Dalai Lama is a crack-up!
THURSDAY, MAY 17
Cue horrible pun in threetwoone The “yolk” was on Bill Clinton today
after a Polish protestor smacked him with an egg as the former Prez was
touring Warsaw. The egg-chucker, who was apparently intending to make an intelligent
argument for anti-globalization, hit Clinton on the sleeve, and then had his
face smashed into the ground by Secret Service for his trouble. But believe
it or not, this guy got off easy. At roughly the same time, Britain’s
deputy prime minister John Prescott was campaigning in Wales when he
was also struck by a flying egg–but unlike Clinton, the plucky Brit returned
the favor by socking the mullet-wearing protester right in the eye with
the stiffest left jab we’ve seen since Sugar Ray Leonard. Naturally,
this incident calls into question the necessity of the American Secret Service,
who should’ve let the ex-Prez pound his egg-throwing jerk into a bloody pulp.
Whoops. Sorry. Just keep repeating what the Dalai Lama said: “inner disarmament,
external disarmament inner disarmament, external disarmament.”
FRIDAY, MAY 18
This just in from the genitalia division at Reuters: a woman walked
into a Windy City cop shop and presented a pair of testicles that she
had just bitten off a man who had sexually assaulted her. The man, meanwhile,
limped his sorry alleged-sexual-predator ass into a hospital. The cops sent
the testicles over, and the hospital tried unsuccessfully to reattach them.
That’s right; they actually tried to reattach them! Maybe it’s just us, but
we think that if you’ve got something unexpected in your mouth, it’s finder’s
keepers. Return the testicles to the woman who nicked them! Hollowed out and
dried, those testicles would make a fetching coin purse.
SATURDAY, MAY 19
In yet another blow to Canadians, The Oregonian reports that Celine
Dion’s hiatus from the music biz has nearly come to an end. According
to The Oregonian, Ms. Dion has signed a three-year contract to perform
200 nights a year at Caesar’s Palace, starting in March 2003. Las Vegas
and Celine Dion, you say? Yes! In fact it is not as incongruous as you may think.
Celine Dion and Las Vegas share many attributes. Both appeal to dreamers and
junkies. Both are profit-minded. Both were created by greedy men. Both are shiny.
Both have lots of money. Neither retain water. Both tend to fall prey to fashion
no-no’s. People who like them, really like them, and people who don’t,
really really don’t like them. Both portent the end of civilization as
we know it.
SUNDAY, MAY 20
In an episode sure to send shock waves through the ugly white guy community,
The Oregonian reports that a Utah man has been convicted of four counts
of bigamy and one count of failing to pay child support. The man, Tom
Green, is 52, and has five wives and 30 children. He lives in the
desert. He is pudgy. He is a bearded, white guy with thick glasses who marries
girls as young as 14. Drew Barrymore, who learned of the arrest when
questioned by media, maintains through her publicist that the Tom Green in question
is someone other than her single-testicled boyfriend.