Hi, everybody! To celebrate my one-year anniversary of writing One
Day at a Time, I’ve chosen a sampling of my best (read: grotesque, disturbing)
work. Love! Ann

MONDAY, JUNE 15, 2000
Today was another banner day for the Portland Mercury, as two of our
editorial staff were arrested and thrown in jail–and get this, on different
charges! Though we are unable to release their names, or the specific details
of their crimes, we can tell you that it did not directly involve drugs or
prostitution. We can also say that one was charged with shoplifting and
the other with criminal trespassing. The latter defendant was working undercover
for the Mercury, and as for our shoplifter, he wasn’t working on a story–he
just likes to shoplift. Both employees were released from the pokey, and are
now back at their desks resting comfortably.

TUESDAY, JULY 4, 2000
Today in Portland, a wide variety of Americans celebrated our nation’s greatest
day by getting drunk and blowing shit up. On the Broadway Bridge, many fine
Americans gathered to watch the fireworks show over Waterfront Park,
as well as viewing a single person’s fireworks show on the Broadway Bridge.
Sponsored by “Drunk Guy with a Mullet,” the Broadway Bridge fireworks
show featured an exciting array of firecrackers, bottle rockets, roman candles,
and lady fingers. However, while most people shoot off fireworks to draw attention
to themselves, “Drunk Guy with a Mullet” was unexpectedly shy–even horrified
by the attention. “Whatwhat are you people looking at??” he yelled at
the onlookers. “Stop staring! Stop staring at me!” he screamed, stumbling
away from the mob of prying eyes trained on him. However, “Drunk Guy with a
Mullet” was to face even more humiliation after he slipped and tumbled into
a dense patch of shrubbery. Unable to express his embarrassing grief, “Drunk
Guy with a Mullet” arose from the bushes, and regaled the crowd with one final
epithet before returning to a life of cherished anonymity: “My ass hurts!” Happy Fourth of July, “Drunk Guy with a Mullet.” Happy Fourth of July.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2000
Police Chief Kroeker’s new rule banning long hair on officers hasn’t been sitting
well with the rank and file, especially with Officer Dave Barrios, who
argues his long hair is part of his Native American heritage. Unfortunately
for Barrios, Chief Kroeker came up with a hilarious compromise: Barrios could
keep his long hair–as long as he wears it in a BUN. Today was Barrios’
first day on the job with the bun, and after being relentlessly teased by other
officers, Barrios isn’t happy. “For now, my hair is up in a bun,” he said. “But
this isn’t over until I get to wear it the way I want.” While One Day empathizes with Officer Barrios’ plight, we think he should give the bun a chance.
There are many products that can make the most of his new bun, such as Topsy-Tail™,
Hairdini™, and an invention that seems tailor-made for Barrios’ predicament–the
Whirl-a-Bun™.

[Editor’s note: For a strangely threatening response to this item, see our “Best of the Letters” section on page 11.]

THURSDAY, MARCH 15, 2001
Today in 44 B.C., Roman emperor Julius Caesar ignored the warnings of
astrologer Spurinna, to “beware the Ides of March.” As it turned out,
Caesar should’ve been more attentive, for on March 15 of that year, he was promptly
assassinated. Today, roughly 2045 years later, a Portland man ignored similar
warnings by purchasing tires from Les Schwab and accepting free meat.
Craig Knott, of SE Portland, says he’s always been attracted by the Les Schwab
promise of giving away free meat with every tire purchase, and when his own
tires began to show signs of wear, his tire company choice was made simple.
“I needed new tires, and I like meat,” Craig said. However, friends and coworkers
were dubious about Craig’s choice to accept frozen meat from a tire dealer,
and warned him repeatedly against it. Ignoring their pleas, Craig purchased
four Firestone radials at the Les Schwab Tire Center located at 122nd and Sandy
Boulevard. In exchange he was presented with two summer sausages. After
eating the sausage, he watched an episode of Survivor on television,
caught up on a few e-mails, and sat in a chair reading a book. At midnight,
it was obvious Craig had suffered no ill effects from eating the Les Schwab
sausage, other than a mild case of indigestion. Did this mean it’s no
longer necessary to fear the prophet’s warning to “beware the Ides of March”?
“Umm, sure, I guess so.” Craig said with a shrug. “What’s the Ides of March?”

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2001
Today, a female student in Hyannis, MA, bit into her cafeteria sandwich and
spit out a piece of a thumb, complete with thumbnail. (And we thought
we experienced humiliation in high school.) Officials determined the thumb belonged
to a cafeteria worker, who had severed it in a slicer accident earlier that
week. According to a cafeteria supervisor, the slicing machine had been sanitized
and all nearby food had been thrown out, though slicer topspin could
have propelled the thumb almost anywhere. “Obviously this is completely unacceptable,”
said a spokesperson for the cafeteria worker. Uh, y’think?

SATURDAY, JUNE 10, 2000
Today, One Day‘s husband (Kip) and I decided to spice up our marriage,
by engaging in coitus at the Rose Festival Shooting Matches. Though
we generally like to engage in coitus during the Grand Floral Parade behind the main grandstand, we felt the floats drew our attention away from
the task at hand. Thankfully, we found the Shooting Matches more to our liking.
Sponsored by the Estacada Rod & Gun Club in Eagle Creek, this competition
features target shooting with high-powered rifles, as well as conventional pistols.
It also features concealing shrubbery within 50 yards of the targets, adding
an extra level of excitement to our coitus.

Though one might expect the never-ending barrage of gunshots to be interruptive to the process of coitus, this was hardly the case. In fact, the gunfire heightened our coital fervor, and, as Beaverton native John Collins fired his winning shot into the bullseye of his target, so did Kip; my yelps of post-coital ecstasy being successfully muffled by the cheering throng.

We love engaging in coitus at the Rose Festival. Maybe next year we’ll try the Midget Auto Races!

SUNDAY, JULY 23, 2000
One Day had a very unpleasant little episode with a not-so-nice young gentleman
today. While jogging, the ne’er-do-well approached us from behind and tried
to yank down our trousers! Now, let this be a lesson to all you proper young
ladies out there: The correct method of combating this unfortunate situation,
as we so gracefully demonstrated, is to turn around and begin kicking the young
man HARD in the shins while yelling as loud as possible, “DO YOU WANT TO
TAKE IT UP THE ASS?” at least four times. As soon as these magic words escaped
our dainty lips, said young man muttered the word, “Sorry,” shriveled, and ran
away. So what do you say, boys? Wanna take on One Day? Better bring a
body bag.