MONDAY, JUNE 4
According to geriatric ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, all we need is love, and
all we DON’T need is landmines. Apparently having a lot of time
on his hands, McCartney and latest gal-pal Heather Mills launched a new
campaign today that intends to rid the world of these pesky exploding terrors.
As the aging mop-top puts it, “Landmines take or wreck three lives an hour, every
hour, every day of every year. We have to come together now [note clever Beatles
pun] to try to stop that.” The new organization is called “Adopt-A-Minefield
UK” which aims to raise charitable funds for landmine survivors and to clear
out all those mines which are undoubtedly hidden just outside Buckingham Palace.
The Mercury is pleased to join McCartney in his fight against these step-sensitive
killers by adopting a minefield of our own, retrieving the landmines, and then
re-planting them all around our office. Boy, our badminton games are gonna be
exciting!

TUESDAY, JUNE 5
Last Saturday, 28-year-old Pearl Santos hopped aboard the
Goliath roller coaster ride at Six Flags Magic Mountain, just
outside of L.A. After being whipped around at 85 mph and experiencing a near-vertical
drop of 255 feet, Santos suffered a major brain hemorrhage and was later
pronounced dead. After the coroner’s office blamed the ride for her death, Magic
Mountain officials flipped their collective wigs, claiming the woman’s aneurysm
was a “pre-existing condition.” “Any medical doctor will tell you that roller
coasters do not cause aneurysms!” the official said, probably while pounding
his fist on a desk. “With this condition she could have died anywhere. She just
happened to walk on to a roller coaster.” Apparently all that yelling worked,
because the coroner’s office then retracted their previous statement and promised
to investigate further into the woman’s untimely demise. And while they were
at it, Magic Mountain were also quick to deny that any of their rides lead to
neck injuries, long lines, or vomiting.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 6
The Grand Floral Parade: What’s not to love, right? Though it is a gross
example of corporate cheerleading masked under the guise of civic pride, it’s
still a great place to ingest mushrooms and play touch ‘n tickle behind
the main grandstand. However, the parade is still a good three days away, and
there are certain Portland fat-asses who are already staking out their
spots along the parade route! Now, we’re sorry, but that’s OBNOXIOUS! We
hate your stupid lawn chairs chained up to every light pole, and we especially
hate it when you tape out a 30-yard space for your bloated Abercrombie & Fitch
kids, writing that “this spot belongs to the Davis Family!” You know what? That
spot does NOT belong to “the Davis family!” Last time we checked, the Romano
family payed just as much in taxes as the Davis family, and therefore has the
right to watch the parade in that spot, and stand right in front of your spoiled
fat children IF WE SO CHOOSE! And this goes double for those families who erect
tents on the sidewalks on the slim chance they may be interviewed for
Channel 8’s annual “Look-at-the-crazy-people-who-camped-out-on-the-sidewalk-three-days-before-the-parade”
feature. If these people really want to make the evening news, then perhaps
they should try it the old-fashioned way; by loading their family in the Pinto and driving off a boat ramp into the Willamette. Grrrrrrrrrr!

THURSDAY, JUNE 7
Good news, everybody! Researchers have just discovered that damaged hearts
can repair themselves. Until now the medical community assumed that once
the heart was damaged, new muscle cells couldn’t grow, and that the damage was
irreversible. Not so! The researchers studied dozens of patients with
damaged hearts, reportedly including Minnie Driver. Ms. Driver’s heart
was broken by toothy lothario Matt Damon after he allegedly dumped her
on national TV. MRI’s showed that Ms. Driver’s heart began to repair itself
almost immediately after she started dating Josh Brolin and Mr. Damon’s
film All The Pretty Horses bombed at the box office. Unfortunately,
and for research purposes, Ms. Driver has since been euthanized; her
heart was extracted and sliced up to be studied by first-year medical students.
These findings are reported in today’s New England Journal of Medicine.

FRIDAY, JUNE 8
Wish you didn’t have to go to work wearing a hairnet and sandwich
board? Read on. Disney employees who wear character costumes have
just won the right to wear their own underpants. In the past, those employees
were required to wear Disney-issued undergarments, specially designed to avoid
panty-lines. The workers, who are represented by the Teamsters union, turned
in their undies each night and picked up a supposedly clean pair the next day.
However, several of the employees were reporting cases of lice and scabies “down there,” leading many to believe that those jock straps were in fact not
so Downy fresh. Makes you think twice about hugging Goofy, don’t it?

SATURDAY, JUNE 9
Free the Reagan Papers! According to The New York Times, the White
House is delaying the release of thousands of pages of old presidential records that detail the confidential advice given to Ronald Reagan by his aides,
some of whom are now bigwigs in the Bush administration. What do “The Powers
That Be” have to hide? From what sources at our sister paper (the Pulitzer Prize-winning
Capital Auto Trader) tell us, plenty! Folks counseling RR in the Reagan
Papers who now serve in senior posts at the pleasure of the Bush White House
include Colin Powell, Mitch Daniels, and Lawrence Lindsey.
Also included in the papers is W’s daddy, George Bush senior. All
four reportedly advised Reagan to toss aside his all natural herbal anti-perspirant
for Ban underarm deodorant, and called him a “pin head.” Wonder what they said
about El Salvador

SUNDAY, JUNE 10
According to the Las Vegas Sun, Oregon’s own Tonya Harding is
threatening to bare her surgically enhanced breasts in a Las Vegas ice-skating
spectacular. Harding, who has not been rehearsing the routine at Clackamas Town
Center, is “in talks” with folks in the “City of Sin” about appearing in an
ice-titty show timed to coincide with the 2002 Winter Olympics. Harding
is “very serious about her Las Vegas options, and considering them in a long-term
scenario,” one inside source told the paper. Her interest comes immediately
after we reported that Celine “Nancy Kerrigan” Dion has committed to
a three-year contract to sing at Caesar’s Palace. You can run, Celine, but you
can’t hide.