MONDAY, JUNE 11 Today terrorist Timothy McVeigh was put to death by lethal injection for the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 people on April
19, 1995. Though many were expecting a public apology for his crimes, McVeigh
was staunchly unrepentant. Outside the prison, many of the survivors of the bombing
watched with mixed emotions. One person whose emotions were decidedly unmixed
was Raymond Washburn, a survivor who worked in the building’s concession
stand. “McVeigh is a coward and a lowdown bastard,” he said. “Somebody
tried to take my life, they deserve to burn in hell.” However, America’s
seething hatred for McVeigh soon turned to giggly excitement after a brand new
website was introduced on the internet that allows fans to follow Britney Spears
and her ‘N Sync b-friend, Justin Timberlake, on a New York shopping
spree! The seven minute interactive video shows Britney and Justin filling
their shopping carts with the latest fashion accessories, and gives viewers the
opportunity to purchase the exact same Dolce & Gabbana T-shirt (retail
value: $194.90) if they so choose. Michael Landau, merchandising manager
for Yahoo shopping, gushed, “This is just the tip of the iceberg! Consumers love
to know what famous persons are wearing.” In that same spirit, One Day feels it is her duty to announce that on the day of his execution, Timothy McVeigh
was wearing prison-wear orange.
TUESDAY, JUNE 12 The collective world of classical music was torn asunder
today after it was reported that Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart may not have
perished at the hands of rival composer Antonio Salieri, but rather fell
victim to a couple of bad pork cutlets. According to University of Washington
researcher Jan Hirschmann, Mozart’s symptoms at the time of his death–fever
and swollen limbs– fit those of trichinosis, a parasitic worm that can
be found in infected meat. Another tell-tale clue was found in a letter written
to his wife two months before his death, where Mozart expressed great excitement
over an upcoming meal: “What do I smell?” he wrote. “Pork cutlets! Che gusto! I eat to your health.” Unfortunately for Mozart, the doctors of the time had
no knowledge of trichinosis, often dismissing the symptoms as a sure sign of
syphilis, and treating it with cold compresses and blood-letting. But
happily for those living our modern age, pork cutlets are a delicious, nourishing
and most importantly safe meal that can be enjoyed by the entire family!
So go on! Eat some delicious pork today! (The preceding message was brought
to you by One Day and the Oregon Pork Board.)
WEDNESDAY, JUNE 13 This just in: Boy Scouts are really dumb! The Oregonian reported today about a group of Boy Scouts camping out
in the Mt. Hood National Forest who accidentally stumbled upon a live pipe
bomb. And while we’d like to say the Scouts did the right thing by quietly
creeping away from the explosive device, and immediately reporting it to the
proper authorities–we can’t. In fact, the dopey Scouts did everything with
the bomb except play “kick the can.” First, they picked it up and carried
it to a nearby lake, where they soaked it overnight. The next morning they pulled
the soggy bomb out of the water, hiked with it until they reached their van,
and then drove two miles back to the Pine Point Campground office, where they
finally dropped it off. Unsurprisingly, the campground official wasn’t thrilled
by the delivery, and immediately called the bomb squad who shortly thereafter
arrived to disarm it. According to officials it was the latest in a series of
explosive devices found in nearby campgrounds (including one that did $11,000
in damage to a pit toilet. Peeeeee-EWW!). Authorities note that the best
thing to do if you spot a pipe bomb is to (duh) leave it alone, and (duh, duh)
call 911–unless of course you’re working toward a “Dumbshit” merit badge.
THURSDAY, JUNE 14 The heart of every single person in Portland stopped
momentarily today when it was learned that the beloved Benicio Del Toro injured himself during the filming of The Hunted. One of People magazine’s
“50 Sexiest People,” Benicio was filming a knife-fight scene with co-star Tommy
Lee Jones in Silver Falls, when he accidentally slipped and fell. Grasping
his wrist in pain, Benicio was immediately whisked to a highly respected wrist
surgeon at an unnamed hospital in Vancouver, WA. According to inside sources
on the scene, whose knowledge only the Portland Mercury is privy to,
the doctor was overheard to diagnose Benicio’s malady as “a fractured ulna
[the long skinny bone, opposite of the radius, that runs from elbow to wrist]
and a dislocated lunate [middle bone of the proximal row connecting wrist
to palm].” It was also reported that Benicio was “in a lot of pain” before the
surgery, but the operation was a success and our hometown dreamboat is now resting
comfortably. Our fondest get-well wishes go out to Benicio, and One Day will be happy to forward any sympathy cards or letters from his many
fans. Send them to “Get Well, Benicio!” c/o Portland Mercury, 1524 NW 23rd Ave,
Suite 2, Portland, 97210.
FRIDAY, JUNE 15 The Oregonian reported today that the Multnomah
County sheriff’s department has arrested a sullen, 20-year-old kid named Wayne for impersonating a police officer. Wayne is described by The Oregonian as having “the rugged good looks of a young cop.” If that weren’t enough, he
also had a patrol car, badge, police radio, bulletproof vest and a battery
charger. Multnomah County Sheriff’s personnel became suspicious after they
noticed him idling outside the building in his patrol car, making too many copies
on the copy machine, and kicking ass at the interdepartmental softball game.
Or was it his strapping biceps and dashing visage? He was finally arrested in
the midst of arguing with a motorist he had pulled over. The motorist, who was
doughy and misshapen, had become disoriented after noticing Officer Wayne’s
sculpted cheekbones and rippling midsection.
SATURDAY, JUNE 16 Forget Greenpeace, this year we’re sending our bottle
caps to the folks fighting the good fight at the Apostrophe Protection Society.
The New York Times reported today that the APS, formed just weeks ago,
has already swelled to 257 members, including the crotchety British founder
John Richards. Richards was apparently irked one too many times by signs
that offered “CD’s,” “menu’s,” and “ladies fashions.” Now, as president
of APS, Richards spends his days composing letters to offenders and offering
corrections. Let’s be clear: We support the APS wholeheartedly, but if you write
us with some sort of grammar correction we will slap you with hot ladles
until your forehead distends. Semi colon help; though, i’s always’ appreciated.
SUNDAY, JUNE 17 The Oregonian reported today that rock star
Alice Cooper participated in the Scott Thomason/Neil Lomax Quarterback
Shootout golf tournament. He is, apparently, an “above average” golfer.
He plays six times a week. Alice Cooper. And you wet your pants when he guillotined himself on stage. Want to see something really scary? Picture this: Alice Cooper
in a golf shirt.