MONDAY, JULY 16
One Day was extremely shocked and wary after receiving the following letter
today from the IRS: “Dear Taxpayer: We are pleased to inform you that
the United States Congress passed and President George W. Bush signed
into law the Economic Growth and Tax Relief Reconciliation Act of 2001, which
provides long-term tax relief for all Americans who pay income taxes. As part
of the immediate tax relief, you will be receiving a check in the amount
of $300.” Okay, this is weird. On one hand, we were excited we would
be able to afford that new pair of Earl jeans with matching Prada pumps. However,
we can’t help but be suspicious that our new clothing accessories will come
at the price of taking food out of an orphan’s mouth. And therein lies the dilemma;
Will it serve the greater good to donate that 300 smackers to a favorite charity
that’s been raped by Bush, or boost our sagging economy to the tune of 45 billion
dollars with the purchase of 150 million dresses from Vera Wang? We bet
YOU have an even better idea of how to spend that money! Send in your suggestions
to ann@portlandmercury.com and
tell George W. where to stick his 300 bucks!

TUESDAY, JULY 17
Would it make you feel better to know that many famous celebrities were mercilessly
teased as children? It doesn’t necessarily make us feel better, but it’s
still funny as hell! The New York Post happily printed the childhood
nicknames of movie stars such as Cameron Diaz, Denise Richards,
and Leonardo DiCaprio, proving once and for all that kids can be rotten
little shits. Before bursting onto the big screen, Cameron Diaz was called “Skeletor,”
Denise Richards was known as “Fish Lips,” and Leonardo was often referred
to under the clever title of “Leonardo Retardo” because of his insistence
on copying from his fellow student’s papers. Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg earned the name “Whoopi” because of a constant flatulence problem, Julianna
Margulies was nicknamed “Flounder Mouth,” and Celine Dion’s long
incisors were the reason she was called “Canine Dion.” Even One Day once
had a nickname; “Dumb Ugly Slut.” Does it still count if that’s what
your parents called you?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 18
One Day hot tipper Evan wrote in to let us know there was a heroin/tennis
player convention taking place on the front lawn of her Northwest Apartment
today. At about six in the evening, while Evan was out scooping up some dog
poop from underneath a flowering rosebush, she looked up and was surprised to
see four clean-cut men wearing tennis athletic gear sitting under a tree, gleefully
preparing their arms for an injection of heroin. Evan, nice girl that she is,
waved to them. They happily waved back. Then, a fifth friendly guy came jauntily
walking up, rolled out his sleeping pad, and also offered up his arm for a ride
on the “white horse.” See? That’s why Portland was voted one of the most
livable cities in the country. Not only are our junkies happy, they’re snappy
dressers to boot!

THURSDAY, JULY 19
Big trouble in Lake No-Negro! The upper-crust expectations of ritzy suburb Lake
Oswego were shattered today when it was reported that a vandal has been
smearing poop all over a famous landmark. An on-loan statue of a 9-foot-tall
naked man (entitled “Truth”) was found covered in excrement and urine in an act that has been called damaging “to community spirit.” Though the suburb
has been subjected to playful acts of vandalism in the past–such as soap being
dropped into fountains, spray-painted walls, and being repeatedly called “Lake
No-Negro”–this is reportedly the first time feces has been involved.
Captain Marc Galloway of the Lake No-Negro police department is justifiably
incensed and disgusted by this new infusion of doo-doo. “They [the perpetrators]
think it’s a joke, but I don’t think it’s a joke to the people who bought these
statues along A Avenue.” Though Galloway hates vandalism of all types, he was
“particularly revolted” by the use of feces as a way of embellishing public
art. As for the rest of us, we may not know much about art, but we know it when
we smell it.

FRIDAY, JULY 20
Is there ANYTHING more marvelous than a streetcar? According to Portland:
No. Not cheesecake, not self-tanner, not Ewan McGregor naked–NOTHING is more
marvelous than a streetcar. Today, streetcar mania hit a fever pitch as the
city threw a parade for our new darlings of public transportation. The
streetcars were festooned with floral wreaths, and Portlanders waited in line
to be “The First Civilians Ever” to be crowded aboard the streetcar line. Children
marched between cars, police stopped traffic, and office workers lined rooftops.
Stuck in traffic as the parade passed, we couldn’t help but shed a tear or two
at the enthusiasm. Isn’t it lovely to live in a city that gets this keyed up
about public transportation? Lord help us if we ever get a monorail.

SATURDAY, JULY 21
According to The Associated Press, hundreds of thousands of semi-naked
youths took to the streets of Berlin today, to march (uh, gyrate?) in the
city’s annual Love Parade. The pageant, which is set to the beat of techno
music, attracts ravers and hip euro-kids who frolic in various states of undress
for a vague political cause that no one seems able to define. The event
attracted 1.3 million semi-naked youths last year, so this year’s relatively
small turn-out proved a disappointment to the hundreds of middle-aged men who
had set up lawn chairs along the parade route.

SUNDAY, JULY 22
Hold on to your anal beads folks, there are Gay People in Oregon! According
to The Oregonian, and more specifically the U.S. Census, cohabitating
gays and lesbians (many with dogs) are pretty much everywhere in our state,
except for a Malheur Country desert, remote Wallowa County, and Klamath Falls.
Even in Portland? YES. According to the U.S. Census, there are several gay
male couples living in The Pearl District and more lesbians than you can
shake a stick at in the Hawthorne District (many with herb gardens). This was
all depicted on little maps with areas colored in dark green (for lots of gay
cohabitating couples), all the way to light green (not many gays couples at
all), and beige (less than 2 percent gay couples reporting). Did you know that
there are only four gay male couples living in Forest Grove? What does it all
mean? Absolutely nothing! But knowing where all of you gays are sure is dandy!
Maybe The Oregonian will run a supplement with all your addresses, so
that we may send you pies.