MONDAY, AUGUST 20
The week’s hottest tips from Hollywood’s gossip sheets! This past February we
all looked on in smirking bemusement when Jennifer “J.Lo” Lopez kicked
former beau, Sean “Puffy,” “P-Diddy,” “H.R. Puff ‘N’ Stuff”
Combs to the curb. So it’s been what? Four, five, six months? And guess
who’s now wearing a big chunka ice on her finger? The lucky fella would appear
to be dancer/ choreographer boyfriend Cris Judd, but “MUM” is the word
of the day! Though the two threw a rump-bumping soiree for themselves over the
weekend (that everyone else was calling an “engagement party”), J. Lo
is being little Miss “No Commento.” Meanwhile, it seems that Hollywood horndog
John Cusack has stopped dipping his pen into every celebrity inkwell
about town and is back with former flame Neve Campbell. Sorry, girls!
The New York Post noted that Cusack is “a veteran Hollywood swordsman
whose tally sheet rivals that of Scott Baio.” They carry swords?
We dunno sounds kind of gay to us. Also! Stylist to the stars, Patricia Field issued a hasty apology to the gals of Destiny’s Child after one of her
staffers took them to school in Spin magazine. “They were ghetto bitches with no class!” the staffer snapped. “Buying wigs and sunglasses for disguises.
Beyonce’s mom does her extensions, and you can totally tell!” Ooooh,
girl! The only place you’re gonna be doin’ extensions is in the unemployment
line! Snap, snap, SNAP!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
More trouble for McDonald’s this week! After the crushing blow of having
to remove a drive-thru window from their proposed restaurant on Hawthorne,
today it was learned that the fast food chain was defrauded out of $13
million in prize money from their promotional games. Eight people have been
arrested by the FBI for allegedly rigging popular Mickey D games, including
“Monopoly” and “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” for the past six years. Apparently,
the suspects are not McDonald’s employees, but distributors of the game
pieces who doled them out on a regular basis to friends and relatives in return
for split profits. “Those involved in this type of corruption will find out
breaking the law is not a game,” said the ceaselessly hilarious Attorney General
John Ashcroft. You can always count on John for a witty turn of phrase,
and being the sauciest raconteur at any social event. Happily for McDonald’s
customers, everyone will get another opportunity to win every dollar stolen
by this criminal ring. And happily for McDonald’s, they’ll get the opportunity
to sell at least 10 million more shitty hamburgers.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22
Today Republican Sen. Jesse Helms, a leading force in the ultra-conservative
movement in Congress for almost 30 years, announced he would not seek reelection
next year. Now. Rather than taking an editorial stance on Helms’ years in office,
One Day has decided to let his own quotes speak for his long and illustrious
career.

• “Because she’s a damn lesbian. I am not going to put a lesbian in
a position like that.”–Senator Jesse Helms after failing to block the confirmation
of Roberta Achtenberg as assistant secretary for the House and Urban
Development Department, May 1993.
• “The Negro cannot count forever on the kind restraint that has thus
far left him free to clog the streets, disrupt traffic and commerce, and interfere
with other men’s rights.”–Helms on “the Negro problem,” 1963.
• “We’ve got to have some common sense about a disease transmitted by people
deliberately engaging in unnatural acts.”– Helms on why he opposed approval
of AIDS research.
• “I’ve been portrayed as a caveman by some. That’s not true. I’m a conservative
progressive, and that means I think all men are equal, be they slants, beaners,
or niggers.”– Helms, 1985, quoted from the Democratic Alliance.

• “Your tax dollars are being used to pay for grade school classes that teach
our children that CANNIBALISM, WIFE-SWAPPING, and the MURDER of infants and the elderly are acceptable behavior.”–Helms from a fundraising
mailer sent out by his campaign.

So long, Jesse. You misogynistic, homophobic, racist, fat-ass prick. Oopsy! Don’t quote us on that.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 23
Citing her “genuine interest in refugee issues” and “fantastic popularity” with
the kids, today, actress Angelina “Tomb Raider” Jolie was named
a “Goodwill Ambassador” for the United Nations. JESUS CHRIST!! WE JUST
GOT RID OF JESSE HELMS, FOR GOD’S SAKE!!!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24
According to the New York Times, the dot com generation has sunk
to a new low so disturbing, so profoundly insipid, that it may just portend
a coming tide of narcissism unparalleled since the 1970s. What harbinger of
doom is this? Two words: law school. The Times reports that the
number of people who took the LSAT this June was up 18.6 percent compared to
last June. The uncertain economy, dot-com lay-offs, reruns of LA Law,
and parents unwilling to pay for rehab have all contributed to the legal boom.
How can our society support half a million, self-entitled, twenty-something
legal eagles? We will be crushed under the weight of their business cards alone.
Have they no faith in their ability to live on a salary less than $120,000 a
year? Have they no shame? Send us your thoughts. We can be reached at ann.romano@
stanfordlaw.edu.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 25
Has anyone come across the missing federal surplus? According to President
Bush, the surplus, recently reported “vanished,” has in fact only been misplaced.
(To paraphrase Oscar Wilde: to lose twenty dollars is a tragedy, to lose
twenty billion is mere carelessness.) Bush, apparently fed up with the Frightened
Old People Lobby, assured America that there are plenty of pennies left
in the jar, as long as Congress doesn’t “go hog wild.” He did not define
“hog wild,” but you can be sure it has something to do with Head Start programs
and children’s health insurance. Anyway keep your eye out, and if you should
come across the surplus (even a small portion of it) please call the Portland
Mercury. In the meantime, we’ll be posting signs around town.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 26
Utah Republicans are still up in arms about the fact that the Secret Service demanded they check their weapons at the door to see Vice President Dick
Cheney. According to The Oregonian, many of the Utah Republicans felt their licenses to carry concealed weapons should allow them to finger
their gun barrels in the presence of “The Man Who Tells George Bush What
To Do,” and they were offended when the Secret Service asked that they “leave
the guns in the car.” The Secret Service insisted on the “no guns” policy, and
confiscated 25 guns, two knives, and some ammunition clips from speech
attendees. Cheney, who was there to give a talk in support of increased military
spending, was reportedly not armed, though he was reportedly carrying pepper
spray. Who can blame him? Meanwhile, today in Portland, the Adult Soapbox
Derby took place on Mt. Tabor to the inebriated thrills of all in attendance.
The fastest car on the track (allegedly constructed out of an airplane’s
fuel tank) was Junkyard Lightning, with a winning time of 1:22.73 seconds.
And the slowest car? That would be the Portland Mercury’s Baby
Buggy Bomber who, after narrowly avoiding an ass-busting crash, wobbled
across the finish line on twisted rims with a new track record of 6:18 seconds.
Sheesh! Don’t quit your day job, boys!

Got some Hot Tips? We want your Hot Tips! email ann@portlandmercury.com