MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 3 Are you thinking of becoming a surrogate mother? Us,
too! But here’s a tried and true rule to remember when deciding which method of
conception to use: “If you screw, the kid belongs to you.” If only we could
have relayed this fact to poor Richard L. Guinn of Medford, before he paid
Judy A. Weaver $12,000 to conceive his child. Originally, Guinn had agreed
to pay Weaver to become impregnated with his sperm via the turkey baster–but
that was before Guinn and Weaver realized they could get pregnant AND laid
at the same time. Killing two birds with one stone, they abandoned the baster
and conceived the old fashioned way. When Weaver then decided she wanted to keep
the kid, the Oregon Court of Appeals ruled that because he was a product of
an actual sexual encounter, the child must be shared between the two parents.
So remember, fellers: Don’t pull a Richard Guinn. When impregnating a surrogate
mother, go artificial, or not at all!

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4 Whooo! It’s been a rough day for the ladies! And
especially the psychologically challenged Mariah Carey, who has reportedly
suffered another, shall we say, “mental setback.” While her publicist’s
lips are sealed tighter than a vacuum-packed jar of pickles, rumor has it she’s
checked herself back in to the happy house. However, we are still frightfully
curious as to what or who sent her there in the first place. Well! According
to the authority in such matters, The New York Post, it was bootylicious
Jennifer “J.Lo” Lopez who broke Mariah’s crackers!
Sources say Mariah hit the roof after J. Lo sampled “Firecracker,” by Japan’s
Yellow Magic Orchestra, for her song “Be Real”–two months before Mariah’s
“Loverboy” was released, which sampled the same song! Mariah was convinced ex-hubby
and Sony Music chief Tommy Mottola orchestrated the conspiracy, which
prompted her to pack her bags and take a trip around the bend. Meanwhile! Madonna is getting quite the reputation for being mad herself–not crazy mad, but mad-mad!
Reported marital troubles and her grueling “Drowned World” Tour (which
stinks, by-the-by) have turned the Material Girl into a Material Monster.
She’s allegedly become so nasty that her touring company has taken to calling
her “Andrea”–as in Andrea Yates, the Texas woman who drowned her children.
YOWITCH!

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 5 And you know, there could be a reason other
than mental instability that Mariah cancelled her upcoming interview with Barbara
Walters. We suspect she might’ve seen tonight’s Anne Heche interview
on 20/20 and wondered, “How can I ever top that?” Anne, best known
for jumping off the lesbian ship after her highly publicized canoodle-fest with
Ellen DeGeneres, confessed to Barbara Walters tonight that A) she’s married
a man, B) she’s pregnant, C) her choir director father abused her, went
gay, and died of AIDS, D) Dad gave her herpes, E) she took Ecstasy and wandered around a rural area asking locals to help her find her “space
ship,” F) she developed multiple personalities, and G) she created another
home for herself in the “Fourth Dimension,” where she acquired
another personality named “Celestia,“ who was a direct descendent
of Jesus Christ. Okay, Mariah–TOP THAT! (By the way, Ann is currently on the
interview circuit plugging her new book, Call Me Crazy. But frankly?
We’d rather not call her at all.)

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 6 As usual, tonight’s MTV Video Music Awards were bulging with technical mistakes, butt-clenching embarrassments, and snooze-inducing
musical acts. But that isn’t to say there weren’t any unintended moments of
inspiration and hilarity. Topping the night was ‘N Sync, winning four
awards, including Best Dance Video, Best Group, Best Pop Video, and the Viewer’s
Choice award, as well as performing an energetic version of their hit “Pop”
with a surprise visit from Michael Jackson. The self-proclaimed “King
of Pop” hopped out on stage, shimmied around in the normal Michael Jackson sort
of way, and looked suspiciously like the Helena Bonham Carter character
in Planet of the Apes. But the best performance of the evening still
went to Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog–a regular from the Conan O’Brien show–who found his way into the crowd and asked J. Lo if he could sniff
her butt. After being duly rebuffed, he attempted to explain his actions
to the audience. “She doesn’t understand,” he pleaded. “For a dog, that’s like
climbing Mount Everest.” And HOW!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 7 Today The Oregonian reported a break in
one of the most sensational unsolved crimes of the last century–and
we don’t mean the election fraud of November 2000. A hair found in a car driven
by Charles “Chuckie” O’Brien on July 30, 1975 has been identified as
belonging to Hoffa. Jimmy Hoffa. As in the vanished Teamsters boss whose
presto-gone-forever launched a thousand late night cement-shoes-swims-with-the-fishes
jokes. O’Brien has maintained that Hoffa was never in the vehicle. Hoffa reportedly
went to meet underworld figures Anthony Giacalone and Anthony Provenzano at a Detroit-area restaurant and was never heard from again. The car O’Brien
was driving that day happened to belong to the son of Anthony Giacalone. O’Brien
happened to be a trusted associate of Hoffa’s and one of the few people who
could have persuaded Hoffa to “go for a ride” that fateful afternoon. Coincidence?
In a related story, our sources tell us that the FBI is planning to question
O’Brien about the missing federal surplus.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 8 Former President Bill Clinton dropped
everything and rushed to Washington D.C. today, only to discover that the fox
visiting the capital was Mexican President Vicente Fox and not, as he
has assumed, the hottie star of Two Can Play that Game, Vivica A.
Fox.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Noticed a shortage of bran at your local Nature’s
this weekend? An abundance of large, slow white cars clogging the Banfield?
No seats at the Denny’s early bird special? Look no further than the 7,000
seniors who have converged on Portland this weekend for the Senior Expo at the Oregon Convention Center. Seven thousand old people. Some from as far
away as Milwaukee (the one with two “ee’s”). Our friend Franklin says he was
almost killed when a Vespa he was driving on MLK came across a small
pack of the elderly attempting a group hobble across four lanes. Luckily, Franklin
was able to screech his scooter to a halt, with feet to spare, in front of a
startled octogenarian. Guess their arms were too full of cremation brochures
and world cruise pamphlets to look both ways. Of course, this will only get
worse as the baby boomers lose their talon grip on middle age and sink
into the abyss of Talbot’s catalog shopping and orthopedic inserts. At least
they’ll have social security. Our Senior Expo will consist of a guy in a parking
lot trying to sell us ExLax “that fell off the back of a truck.”