MONDAY, OCTOBER 1 Another senseless terrorist action has taken place!
And this time, the evil has struck right here in Portland. Here is the true, horrible
story. Brad and Janet (not their real names) had just started dating. After
a romantic evening on the town, the two went back to Janet’s to shall we say consummate
their desires. Fumbling with the front door, the two doffed their clothes
in the living room and proceeded to the boudoir, where they engaged in a night
of beautiful, romantic whoopee. However! This morning, when the bleary
eyed Brad awoke and stumbled into the living room, he was greeted by a shocking
surprise: HIS PANTS HAD BEEN STOLEN! Janet leapt out of bed to see what
all the hubbub was about and found that her trousers were also missing
in action. Apparently, the young lovers had been so consumed by hormonal passion,
they had forgotten to lock the front door, and a terrorist had absconded with
their jeans. Wrapping a towel around his dangly bits, Brad went outside and found
the pants in the bushes. BUT! His wallet and car keys were gone. Truly
an unfortunate occurrence. However, here’s where it gets controversial. Brad and
Janet then went to the office of Brad’s ex-girlfriend to see if she still
had a spare car key and told her the entire story (as well as a few others
around the office)! To say the least, the ex-girlfriend was miffed but should
she have been? That’s the question we’re putting to all One Day at a Time
readers. Was it okay for Brad to be completely honest in this situation? Or
was he a chump, who should have lied his ass off? Send in your response to ann@portlandmercury.com,
and we’ll discuss the results next week! Until then, keep an eye on those pants!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 2 In the ever-fascinating world of entertainment, it
was finally announced that Jennifer “J. Lo” Lopez got married this past
weekend to boyfriend/choreographer Cris Judd in a private ceremony in
Calabasas, California. For those with short memories, this is only a mere eight
months after dumping former beau, Sean “P. Diddy” Combs. But don’t count
Mr. Diddy down-and-out just yet! While he might have lost the bootylicious J.
Lo, the Page Six gossip column reported today that Diddy has gained a
butler. The butler’s name is wait for it “Fonsworth.” According
to Diddy, Fonsworth “knows what I need. He’s like my assistant, almost my sidekick–but
not in a demeaning way,” he added quickly. Speaking of “personal assistants
in undemeaning positions,” Playboy magnate Hugh Hefner was treated to
a Friars Roast on Saturday in New York, where he was surrounded by “eight identical,
buxom, blonde girlfriends gazing at him adoringly.” And although many
jokes were made at the girls’ expense, it wasn’t the jibes that made one of
the bunnies burst into tears it was “icy treatment from her colleagues.”
Crying for over a half-hour in the bathroom, she was heard moaning, “How can
they be so mean? They ignore me and leave me out!” Luckily, another of
Hef’s busty babes came to her rescue, stroking the girl’s back and cooing, “You
give so much. So much. And you’re always so pretty. You’re
so pretty.” See? That’s a good thing to remember the next time you’re feeling
sorry for yourself; because you really do give so much. And you are just
so, so pretty.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 3 Ever feel like you can never find a good male hooker/handyman when you need one? Well, maybe you’re looking in the wrong place! Next time,
try the Albertsons in Lake Oswego. Here’s the story according to a One
Day Hot Tipper who signed the letter she sent to us “Despairing for our
Future.” She writes: “My background? I’m female, late 40s, dumpy, typical. I
parked my crappy car at an Albertsons in Lake Oswego, and when I came out, I
found a pink envelope under the windshield wiper.” Inside the envelope was a
picture of a buff, longhaired nude man. On the reverse side, a resume
of sorts, where he claimed to be “Portland Hardest Working Man” [sic]. He claims
to provide “X-otic entertainment for Lades [sic] 18-65 year.” He also boasts
a litany of services, such as “reflexology sons” [??], “erotic relaxation,”
“intimate touching,” and “dried skin” [Ewwww!]. But he also claims to be a “Hand
Man” [sic, again], specializing in small jobs such as “electrical, carpentry,
pluming [huh?], and panting” [Now, that we believe!]. But above all,
he promises “satisfaction a garotte.” And we’re assuming he didn’t mean
“satisfaction by strangulation.” Oy! Has the economy gotten that bad??

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 4 According to a report from the Associated Press,
a “Taliban envoy” said that the Afghan militia knows where Osama bin
Laden is, and they have him under their control at a secret location “in
a place where he cannot be located by anyone.” Hopefully, he’s not in the same
place where we hid our bag of pot, or else no one will ever find him.
Naturally, the Taliban is refusing to turn him over to American forces, unless
the President is willing to bargain. “The President has said we’re not negotiating,”
said White House chief of staff Andrew Card on Fox News. “We’ve told
the Taliban government what they should be doing. They’ve got to turn not only
Osama bin Laden over, but all the operatives of the al-Qaida organization.”
Card continued, saying, “They’ve got to stop being a haven where terrorists train.” When saying this Card obviously forgot about the hundreds of training
camps on American soil being used by militia and white-supremacy organizations.
But that’s an entirely different bucket of crabs! Okay?? Go USA! Go USA!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 5 The Oregonian reported today that a 63-year-old Florida man has been diagnosed with Anthrax, but it’s NOT BIOTERRRORISM. U.S. officials said there was no evidence of terrorism, but promised “a very intense investigation.” They went on to say that a deliberate release of the germ by terrorists is one of several possibilities under investigation. Then they repeated that they’re pretty darn sure it’s NOT BIOTERRORISM. “We have that on the list,” said the director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta. Also on the list? Dirty toilet seats at Disney World, unprotected sex with Wilt Chamberlain, and too much Vitamin C.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 6 Today The Oregonian reported that liquid found with a small pipe outside a Multnomah County building Thursday, contained no biological or chemical substance harmful to the public, and was NOT BIOTERRORISM. Police evacuated a one-block area around the building after someone called 911 to report a bomb. They then sent in a robot to examine the device. Police would not identify what the substance turned out to be, saying only that it was not hazardous. (OKAY! It was OUR diet coke. We just left it on the steps next to our water pipe for a minute! JEEZ. People are SO TOUCHY.)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 7 An activist who had clung to a tree for two days to protest a logging operation in the Tillamook State Forest was seriously hurt early yesterday, when he fell over 60 feet to the forest floor, after apparently dozing off. The Associated Press reported, that he is now at a hospital in Portland, in serious condition with pelvic fractures. The injured protester, identified as Michael Scarpitti (aka Tre Arrow) has been charged with criminal trespassing, interfering with police and interfering with an agricultural operation. Officials want you to know that he is, for CHRIST’S SAKE, NOT A BIOTERRORIST–though liquid and a small pipe found in his possession have yet to be identified. Meanwhile, American forces began bombing the crap out of Afghanistan today. According to CNN and most local news sources, the approval rating for these attacks is upwards of 90%. Officials are warning the public that these inflated statistics are probably NOT A RESULT OF BIOTERRORISM–that is, unless the terrorists have released a “stupid gas” that we don’t know about yet.