MONDAY, OCTOBER 15
In celebration of National Anthrax Hysteria week,
One Day is more than happy to spotlight some of the more egregious examples
of–as our dear mother used to put it–“people runnin’ around like chickens with
their heads cut off.” (Mother was always big on graphic imagery.) Law enforcement
officials statewide have faced a tidal wave of calls from well, let’s just lay
it out on the line VERY STUPID PEOPLE who think they’re important enough
to become the victims of anthrax. In North Bend, a “mysterious white
powder” was found on the door handle of a federal office. People you live
in North Bend! Get a grip! In Portland, one woman called the cops and reported
powder all over her car. When police responded, the “powder” turned out to be
“pollen.” In Tualatin, firefighters were called out to investigate a jogging
trail marked with flour and not anthrax, as the caller presumed. Later,
they checked out what was thought to be anthrax on the roadway, which was in fact,
ashes from a road flare. And that white powder that was discovered outside
a laundromat? You guessed it! DETERGENT! Meanwhile, the publisher of the
Yankton Daily Press in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, suffered from
extreme delusions of grandeur when she shut down operations because of a dust-like
substance that turned out to be dust. Even the tediously levelheaded Willamette
Week reported a mild marijuana freakout this week after receiving a letter
from Florida. Happily for all, it wasn’t anthrax, but simply a letter from Florida.
No powder, just a letter. One of millions sent from Florida everyday across the
United States. But, “You can’t be too safe,” right? That may be true, but there’s
also the adage, “You can be too stupid.”

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 16
National Anthrax Hysteria week continues, and since we’re starting to feel
bad about all those “stupid” comments we made on Monday, One Day is pleased to present the following public service announcement we like to call,
“THINGS THAT AIN’T ANTHRAX.” And here is an abbreviated list:

• Baby powder–ain’t anthrax.
• Laundry detergent–ain’t anthrax.
• Garlic salt–ain’t anthrax.
• Unsweetened Kool-Aid–ain’t anthrax.
• Dandruff–ain’t anthrax.
• Revlon translucent powder–ain’t anthrax.
• Deodorant marks on a black shirt–ain’t anthrax.
• Cocaine–ain’t anthrax.
• Crushed mint Lifesavers–ain’t anthrax.
• Creamora–ain’t anthrax.
• Instant pudding–ain’t anthrax.
• Snow on top of Mt. Hood–ain’t anthrax.
• Parmesan cheese–ain’t anthrax.
• Pixie Stix–ain’t anthrax.
• Flea and Tick powder–ain’t anthrax.
• Powder (the movie)–ain’t anthrax.

Got any more? For god’s sake, email them to ann@portlandmercury.com!
Your sanity depends on it!

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 17
This just in! “Anthrax hoaxes are not funny!” This nominee for the “understatement
of the year” came from Portland’s Assistant U.S. Attorney Kent Robinson,
who told the Oregonian, “Law enforcement personnel are being distracted
innocent people are scared it’s not funny.” Robinson was speaking in
particular of a Dallas woman, Patricia Jones, who is suspected of mailing
a powdery substance labeled as anthrax to a Monmouth resident as a practical
joke. When Monmouth postal officials spied the substance leaking from the envelope,
the poop hit the fan, and the building was evacuated. Jones had allegedly
mailed the envelope on Saturday and didn’t realize that only three days later
U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft would announce that the Department
of Justice plans to prosecute anyone caught making “any form of terrorist threats”
(which includes her little prank). That means if Jones is convicted she could
face up to six years in the can and a fine of up to $350,000.
OH! And to add insult to injury, Jones misspelled “anthrax” on the envelope.
Take it easy, everybody. Let’s try to remember, she’s from Texas.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 18
Today a CBS news employee thought she had contracted a form of
anthrax, when in actuality it was anthrax. Ouch. Sorry, folks. Our bad.
Sooooooo what else should we talk about? Ah-HAH! Snoop Dogg got busted
for smoking pot! (We know, this isn’t exactly news, but bear with us!
We’re trying to dig ourselves out of a mighty deep hole here!) Traveling outside
of Cleveland on his current “Puff, Puff, Pass 2001” tour, Mr. D-O-Double-G’s
bus was pulled over for “excessive speeding”–yeah, right–and the highway
patrol officer detected the scent of marijuana coming from inside. After a thorough
search of the bus, the department’s drug-sniffing dogs turned up six bags of
the “fizzle-izzle-dizzle” (that’s Snoop-talk for dope). Thanks in part
to being “very cooperative” (or “chizzle-izzle“), Snoop and two of the
Doggpound were slapped with misdemeanor marijuana possession, possession of
drug paraphernalia, and sent on their way. The moral of this tale is obvious:
“If the polizzle-jizzle fucks with your fizzle-izzle-dizzle, the
best thing to do is chizzle-izzle-izzle.” Word.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 19
At least one institution has its priorities straight. It was announced today
that despite the ANTHRAX PLAGUE and general warishness, the Emmys will go on! Postponed twice, the Emmys absolutely positively will be televised
on November 4, unless of course there’s some reason why they shouldn’t be. The
awards show, which was rewritten to be less funny/more somber after the
first time it was postponed, is being rewritten again to be even LESS funny
and MORE somber. Our sources at the Brown Derby tell us that the set
will be a black stage with one metal folding chair and no podium. Presenters
are being asked to wear grays, Jennifer Lopez has been uninvited, and
no jokes whatsoever will be allowed. In the academy’s greatest act of patriotism,
word is that there will be no winners or losers–all nominees will be sent home
with an Emmy in an effort to promote unity in this time of national crisis.
The academy has also asked Aaron Sorkin to leave his crack at home, to
avoid any anthrax misunderstandings. He’s threatening to boycott.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 20
Who’s in real danger of anthrax infection? It’s not celebrities like
moi, Connie Chung or Dick Cheney. It’s postal workers, newsroom
interns, and that unsung hero of the recent hoo-ha: the personal assistant.
Thank Christ, in this time of anthrax lunacy, for personal assistants. Willing
to risk their own meaningless, paltry lives for their fabulous superstar bosses,
personal assistants continue to open suspicious fan mail at their own peril.
“Personal assistants are pulling together in this time of need. It’s the greatest
hour for personal assistants,” said John O’Sullivan, assistant to the
Duchess of York, in the Oregonian. The GREATEST hour. Not since Sean
Penn and Madonna‘s wedding have so many personal assistants come
together for the greater good. So why is it that our own personal assistants
keep quitting? They are cowardly little babies who give personal assistants
a bad name. Or maybe it’s because we make them pluck our chin hairs.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 21
Has the threat of anthrax made you blue? According to the New
York Times, you’re not alone. What are people to do about it? Outpatient
cosmetic surgery. The Times spoke to a dozen cosmetic surgeons around
the country who said that they and their colleagues have found that while major
hospital procedures like face-lifts have fallen since mid-September, office
procedures like eyelifts, Botox, and collagen injections have surged
markedly. And why not? If you’re going to die, you might as well die with plump
lips and an absence of tiny fine lines. You never know what cuties you’ll run
into in the ICU.

Send your non-anthrax infected missives to ann@portlandmercury.com