MONDAY, NOVEMBER 12 As Kasey Kasem likes to say, “the hits just keep on coming.” Today roughly 270 people were killed when American Airlines Flight 587, en route to the Dominican Republic, crashed into the Rockaway Beach neighborhood of Queens, New York. Though many feared the crash was yet another terrorist attack similar to the WTC catastrophe two months ago, the National Transportation Safety Board was quick to note that “everything points to an accident.” Investigators suspect the catastrophic crash was caused by turbulence from the wake of a Japan Air Lines 747 that took off from the same runway two minutes earlier. The cockpit voice recorder from the downed flight was quickly recovered and revealed two rattling noises and the pilots complaining about the wake from another plane. Further inspection of the downed plane surprised investigators, because the 27-foot tail section seemed as if it ripped off cleanly, “as if sliced by a knife.” In the community of Rockaway beach, sources indicate that five people were killed on the ground, and the plane narrowly missed a local school. The accident occurred only 15 miles away from Manhattan, in a neighborhood still reeling from losing scores of its residents in the WTC tragedy.
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 13 From “national tragedy,” we turn to “plastic surgery tragedy,” and who else would that be except for Michael Jackson. Tonight CBS broadcasted the Michael Jackson: 30th Anniversary Special–the “30th anniversary” being a celebration of Jackson’s years in show business, rather than his time spent scaring the shit out of little kids. The two-hour tribute featured an all-star cast of entertainers (‘N Sync, Sean “Puffy” Combs, Britney Spears, and Samuel L. Jackson) as well as an all-star lineup of freaks (Donald Trump, Macaulay Culkin, Marlon Brando, and Elizabeth Taylor). And while performances by Michael and the rest of the original members of the Jackson Five managed be both entertaining and tense, some moments were just too freaky to be believed. For example, the following loopy monologue presented by Marlon Brando: “Hello. I am Marlon Brando. In any event, while you’re wondering who that old fat fart is sitting there I wanted you to realize that in that minute there were hundreds if not thousands of children hacked to death with a machete, beaten to death by their parents, got typhus and died of disease.” Ohhhhh-kay And what exactly does this have to do with Michael Jackson? OH! We get it! It’s a plea to stop plastic surgeons from using machetes to hack up the faces of played-out rock stars who call themselves the “King of Pop!” We’re behind you 100 percent on that one, Marlon!
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 14 The Federal government has gone to great lengths to make sure Americans don’t harass people of Middle-Eastern descent just because of the WTC attacks. And to prove their commitment to this high ideal, today, state and federal agents began questioning 5,000 foreigners to see if they know anything about terrorism. But hold on there a second, hippie! This is absolutely NOT “ethnic profiling!” They’re not choosing people by the color of their skin; these suspects–err “voluntary interviewees”– are only being questioned if they’re foreign. Which is a VERY BIG DIFFERENCE. And even college kids from other countries are getting in on the fun, because as it turns out, universities are obligated by law to turn over their school records, what subjects they’re studying, phone numbers, and even email addresses. So don’t worry, America! Your constitutional rights are safe and sound–it’s those dirty, stinking visitors who better watch their asses!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 15 Meanwhile, in a scene straight out of The Beverly Hillbillies, President Bush invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to his Texas ranch, and drove him around in a pickup truck. “I still know how to drive!” Bush yelled to reporters as he and Putin toured the ranch. Then they dined on a feast of catfish, old-fashioned green beans, and pecan pie–oh, and they touched on the topic of nuclear disarmament. Some hillbilly band also played. Apparently, during the visit, Bush grew quite fond of the Russian President, going so far as to tell him, “You’re the kind of guy I’d like to have in a foxhole with me.” For some reason, Putin left before an agreement was reached on U.S. missile shield plans, but it is thought that the Russian leader had seen the movie Deliverance a few too many times and had a pretty good idea what might happen next.
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 16 After weeks of behind-the-scenes tussles, Congress finally approved a sweeping aviation security bill today that would make airport security personnel federal employees, upgrade baggage screening technology, and ensure more onboard protections, such as reinforced cockpit doors and Air Marshals. But it was the federalization of employees that caused Republicans and Democrats to bump heads. As it stands now, airlines hire private security firms to be in charge of baggage screening, and these firms have been recently criticized for lax hiring standards and underpaying employees. Naturally, these security companies aren’t exactly pleased by this new bill. William Vassell, CEO of Command Security, which provides over 600 screeners to airports across the nation, protested the bill vehemently, saying, “The government is essentially taking away my business!” A nation of frazzled travelers responded to Mr. Vassell’s concerns by saying, “Tough shit, ding-dong. Maybe it’ll make you feel better if you cry like a baby.”
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 17 It was another great victory today for our lord and master Satan, after it was announced the weekend box-office for Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone reached a mind-boggling $93.5 million. The movie, based on the much-loved children’s book by J.K. Rowling, soundly trampled the opening weekend for 1997’s The Lost World: Jurassic Park. Both films are much maligned by Christians–Harry Potter for its glorification of witches and wizards, and Jurassic Park because many Christians still refuse to believe in dinosaurs–which makes the dark ruler of Hell that much more pleased. “Ha! Ha! HA! In your FACE, Jesus freaks!” mocked the Prince of Lies “Your children have been seduced by my evil power. Now it is time for YOU to worship me! SUBMIT! Submit to my devilish whims! Bow before my treacherous might and give unto me your EVERLASTING SOULS! Ha, ha, haaaa! HAAA! HAAAA! HAAAAA!” The spokesperson for the Regal Theater chain could not be reached for comment because he was busy sacrificing a goat.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 18 And speaking of spawns of Satan, home improvement maven Martha Stewart has gone to extremes in order to save money at her company’s annual Christmas party. According to an article in Woman’s Wear Daily, Stewart sent an email to 65 staff members asking if, instead of having one big party for everyone, each of the people emailed should host a party in their own homes for at least 10 employees. And not only that, the hosts wouldn’t even be allowed to choose their own guests. Stewart offered each host $300 to help defray costs, but in the long run, having small parties in employee’s homes would save Stewart upwards of $80,000. Unsurprisingly, this did not go over well with the staff. After many of them complained, Stewart resorted to guilt-trip tactics. In a follow-up email she wrote, “This is a very, very special year, not just for us, but for every company and person affected by the events of Sept. 11. To me, the terrorists have certainly succeeded if so few of you participate in a company-wide effort to ‘get together’.” According to an inside source, many employees were ready to cave in to Stewart’s demands until they received an email from Osama bin Laden, which stated, “Frankly, Allah does not care whether you host a Christmas party or not. Tell that bitch Martha to ‘cram it’.”