MONDAY, DECEMBER 31
You know, all we wanted on the final day of 2001 was to receive some good news
but no such luck! Remember how we reported last week that actress/ho Heather
Graham had been spotted canoodling with our adopted hometown hottie Benicio
del Toro? And remember how we were all really mad about it? No? Well, we were,
and perhaps you should be paying better attention. Regardless, if you need further
proof of Heather’s slutiosity, look no further than today’s New York Post,
which reports that Heather Ho-bag was seen “smooching with a mystery hunk at Suite 16, after a New Year’s Eve dinner at Tao ” Suite 16?!? That’s where all
the skanks hang out! And where was Benicio, pray tell? Probably crying his dreamy
eyes out! There, there, Benny! Put your delectable head on Auntie Ann’s shoulder
and tell us all about the treachery of that cold unfeeling bitch. And speaking
of people that don’t care, fancy pants director George Lucas has broken
the hearts of nerds across the country by casting the hotsy-totsy boys of ‘N
Sync in Star Wars: Episode II–Attack of the Clones. According to a
report from E! Online, the teen heartthrobs will be featured as Jedi
Knights in a very short scene with no speaking lines and–as an added bonus–will
be blown up by battle droids. But rather than being excited by the prospect of
‘N Sync being slaughtered on-screen, Star Wars geeks have been flooding
Lucas with angry e-mails. One fan, who calls himself Silac5 (ha, ha, haaaaa!
Look at the nerd!), noted, “if they were to have synchronized lightsaber battles
and spontaneously bust out in song, then I would have to walk out of the theater.”
Isn’t it cute when geeks who collect vinyl figurines of She-Hulk pretend
to have taste?

TUESDAY, JANUARY 1
Happy 2002, everybody! You will be happy to learn that we got through another
New Year’s Eve celebration with a reasonable amount of our self-respect
intact (unlike 2000 when we were found asleep in the bathroom of the Satyricon
with our head in the toilet and our skirt around our ankles). But unlike most
Americans, Europeans awoke this morning with a hangover, as well as a
total change of currency. They’re called Euro Notes, and will
be the only money used in 12 of the euro zone countries. Naturally, because
they are Europeans, many of the people hate it. “GOD how ugly!” noted
Michela Moccia of Rome, who is known for using extravagant hand gestures. “They
look so cold, metallic, boring, and soulless!” And while the Euro Note was intended
to make it easier to use money while hopping from country to country, Kieran
O’Brien of Ireland noted, “It doesn’t look real. It’s a funny color.
It doesn’t smell like money.” Holy cats! It’s no wonder Europe was overrun by
the Nazis!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 2
More bad news for the screaming teenybopper set! According to E! Online and The Smoking Gun gossip sites, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was
arrested early this morning at a Tampa Florida nightclub for allegedly
“resisting or opposing a law enforcement officer without violence.” Here’s the
story! Apparently, cops were called to the Pop City nightclub after a scuffle
broke out. Arriving on the scene, they found Carter arguing with a woman. He
was then asked 10 TIMES by the police to leave the club, but refused
to do so. According to an eyewitness, when Carter was placed in the police car,
he started bawling like a baby. “He said, ‘You just want to arrest a
Backstreet Boy. I’ve never been arrested. I don’t know what to do!'”
The eyewitness continued, “He was crying hard. Tears were streaming down his
face. People were laughing at him.” Carter was later released on his
own recognizance and is scheduled for his day in court on March 4. There, he
will undoubtedly burst into tears again when the judge sentences him to a life
of being a washed-up member of a short-lived and utterly talentless boy band.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 3
It doesn’t get much weirder than this. According to a report from CNN today,
the Pentagon has been persuading any remaining al Qaeda fighters in Afghanistan
to surrender by dropping leaflets with doctored photos of Osama bin
Laden wearing a suit and tie. One side of the leaflet shows dead Afghan
soldiers, with the following grammatically impaired thought of the day: “Usama
bin Laden, the murderer and coward, has abandoned al Qaeda. He has abandoned
you and run away. Give yourself up and do not die needlessly, you mean nothing
to him. Save your families the grief and pain of your death.” Not exactly the
cheeriest of holiday wishes, but dig this! The opposite side of the leaflet
shows an altered image of bin Laden without his turban or beard and wearing
a suit that is so Men’s Wearhouse, it makes us sick. It states, “Usama
bin Laden the murderer and coward has abandoned you!” When Defense Secretary
Donald Rumsfeld was asked whether the leaflet could be used to accuse
the U.S. of making up facts (as with the accusations of bin Laden’s translated
videotape), he said he had “not thought of that possibility.” Well, of course
not! Without lies and deception, how would Pentagon get anything done? Sheesh!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 4
Veteran rockers U2 grabbed a leading eight Grammy nominations today,
including record, album, and song of the year. Other nominations went to newcomers
Cyndi Lauper, Sheena Easton, and Men at Work.

SATURDAY, JANUARY
5
Today, we were on our way home with a hatchback full of goodies from Fred Meyer
when we noticed a police commotion up ahead near a job center on MLK.
Police cars. Streets cordoned off with yellow crime tape. Cops in riot gear.
Crowds of scruffy protesters in colorful Guatemalan hats. It could only
mean one thing: The President of the United States was in town! Well,
we pulled right over, parked, and joined the fray, wishing we hadn’t just unloaded
the cardboard and black Sharpies we usually keep in our car to make quick protest
placards for just such emergency occasions. But as soon as we joined the jamboree
the crowd began to disperse, muttering that the President was delayed and had
canceled the appearance. There was a brief bout of parading and percussion
and then most of the crowd was gone in a waft of patchouli. We too headed home.
Later, we heard that the President did show. Turns out someone had given the
protesters some “misinformation.” Barry Goldwater said: “Extremism in
the defense of liberty is no vice.” In other news, a 15-year-old boy, smitten
with Osama bin Laden, flew a small plane into a Tampa Bank of America
building.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 6
Le Monde reported today that Yves Saint Laurent, the man who revolutionized
ladies’ evening wear when he introduced his tuxedo for women in 1966, will announce
his retirement tomorrow. Fashion models from New York to Paris reportedly
cried such rivers of tears that several had to be hospitalized when their body
weight fell below 80 pounds, due to dehydration. Men, who never fully
forgave Yves for popularizing the male turtleneck, were largely unaffected by
the news.