MONDAY, JANUARY 14
Oh, sure! It’s all fun and games until the President chokes on a pretzel.
Monsignor Bush was back in business today, after a close call in which a pretzel
evaded White House security, lodged itself in the President’s throat, and threw
him down on a coffee table. However, according to the “official” report,
Bush was by himself watching the Baltimore-Miami game when an “awkwardly swallowed”
pretzel caused the Prez to pass out. White House doctors claimed that he suffered
from a “vasovagal syncope,” in which the body sends a signal to the heart
via the vagus nerve, slowing down the heart to a point where the victim can lose
consciousness. Now, we have absolutely no idea what the vagus nerve is, but we
suspect it’s the same thing the Boomtown Rats’ sing about in the song “I Don’t
Like Mondays,” where they say, “The silicone chip inside her head switched
to overload.” And by the way, is there anybody else besides us who thinks this
whole “passed out from a pretzel” story is bullshit? Think about it: If
a President has a serious medical condition, they’re not going to announce it
to the world during wartime. They’re going to make up some half-ass story that
is funny enough to be forgotten quickly (choking on a pretzel ), yet doesn’t diminish
the President’s macho image ( while watching a football game). “Vagus nerve” HAH!
We bet!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 15
And speaking of unbelievable stories, here are two more. Today, residents of
downtown Portland crapped their pants when two F-15 fighters came whizzing
overhead in hot pursuit of a small plane whose pilot had threatened to crash
it into our city’s tallest building. The Federal Aviation Administration
had been contacted by an employee of the Scappoose airstrip, who said the owner
of the 1946 Stinson had made a “passing threat” before taking off, claiming
he was going to fly his plane into the tallest building in Portland. However,
there was no indication the plane even came close to city limits. The pilot,
who the FAA identified as Guy D. Pratt of Lake Oswego, is thought by
many people around the Portland Mercury office as “just one of those
rich grumpy old farts from Lake Oswego who often says crazy things for no particular
reason.” So far, there have been no reports either from the authorities, press,
or the man himself to deny this claim. Meanwhile, in Dover, Delaware, seven,
6-foot-long, flesh-eating monitor lizards were found in an apartment
eating the corpse of their owner. The corpse, formerly known as 42-year-old
Ronald Huff, had not been heard from since Sunday, and the police were
called by a worried relative. It’s unknown at this time whether the man died
of natural causes or was the unwitting victim of his menagerie of lizards. According
to the director of Delaware’s SPCA, John Caldwell, monitor lizards have
“very sharp teeth and muscular, whip-like tails that can seriously injure a
person.” And he added, these particular lizards were extremely aggressive, “actually
going toward you, mouth open.” Happily for the SPCA, the lizards are in excellent
health and may be placed into a zoo or other “educational program.” While the
victim was unavailable for comment, he is thought by many people around the
Portland Mercury office to be “just one of those weird rich people who
own lizards and often get eaten by them for no particular reason.”

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 16
What a dirty rotten day for has-been celebs! Pirate-suit wearing rock star Adam
Ant has been drop-kicked into the loony bin after allegedly having
a meltdown at a bar in London. According to E! Online, the former singer, who
had a hit in 1982 with “Goody Two Shoes,” is said to have engaged in
a scuffle with a man in the Prince of Wales pub and waved a gun in the
air. One report noted that Ant was angry because he had been denied entrance
to a private party, while the London Mirror says he pulled the gun because
his foe had made threats against his daughter. Regardless, Ant is now a resident
of London’s Royal Free Hospital and issuing unconvincing quotes to the press
regarding his mental stability. Like this one! “They’ve put me in the Alice
in Wonderland ward because they think I’m crazy. The whole thing’s a
conspiracy, and they’re just out to get me. I’m not mad!” Our condolences
go out to Mr. Ant, and while the Alice in Wonderland ward may be tough,
at least he’s not confined in the Girl, Interrupted ward. Angelina
Jolie gives us the creeps.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 17
Today, a four-person team from the International Red Cross began inspecting
the infamous Camp X-Ray, the military prison in Guantanamo Bay where
captured al-Qaeda and Taliban members are being detained. Unsurprisingly,
human rights groups have voiced concerns that the prisoners might not be receiving
the best of treatment. One such concern is the prisoners’ cells, which, for
all practical purposes, are 6-by-8 foot chain link cages that are exposed
to the elements. The government is also choosing not to call the men “prisoners
of war.” This means the US would not have to follow the rules of the Geneva
Conventions (which states all POWs should be “quartered under the same conditions
as the troops of the detaining power”). And why aren’t these rules being followed?
“These are not nice people,” says Marine Brig. Gen. Michael Lehnert.
“Several have publicly stated their intent to kill an American before they leave
Guantanamo Bay. We will not give them that satisfaction.” And speaking of learning
the hard way about what happens when you don’t follow the rules

FRIDAY, JANUARY 18
Holy Matahari! It turns out that Abdallah Higazy, the young Arab offered
up just five days ago as a malevolent and dodgy terrorist suspect is exactly
what he’s maintained all along: a student in the U.S. on a student visa. Mr.
Higazy was nicked after a pilots’ radio was found in his room at the
Millenium Hotel near the World Trade Center. (The most suspicious aspect of
this whole story is the hotel’s misspelling of “millennium.”) Turns out that
the radio was actually found in the room BELOW Higazy’s and belonged, in fact,
to an apple pie loving American citizen who recently came forward to
claim it. Whoops! We’re sorry about the 30 days of high-security detention and
interrogation, Abdallah. Next thing you know they’ll find out that Sacco
and Vanzetti were innocent. (Oh, look it up.)

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19
Tina Brown, the Editor of Talk Magazine and a personal icon
to yours truly, was finally squashed yesterday, along with her magazine,
by the powers that be. Tina, whose sassy blonde shag and Brit haughtiness earned
scorn from the Redbook set, rose to acclaim as the editor who made over Vanity
Fair and then the New Yorker. She started Talk two
years ago, with joint financial support by Miramax (owned by the Mouse) and
the Hearst Corporation. Talk, which aimed to be both smart and gossipy,
ultimately alienated the clever with its celebrity fawning and the celebrity
fawners with its cleverness. Oh, we do relate. Hey, Tina, isn’t TV Guide due for a reinterpretation?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 20
Hooray! It’s a new poll! According to The New York Times, a Pew
Poll recently asked Americans where they think dear ol’ former President Bill
Clinton ranks compared with other presidents. Here’s the scoop.

• Better than most: 39 percent.
• Not as good as most: 25 percent.
• Definitely worse than most of them: 19 percent.
• One of the very best: 12 percent.
• Better hair than Kennedy: 2 percent.
• Funnier than Nixon: 9 percent.
• Smarter than Fillmore: 24 percent.
• Over all cooler than Johnson, but much, much scummier: 62 percent.

• Better hung than FDR: 98 percent.

With those kind of numbers, who needs a presidential library?