MONDAY, MARCH 4 Today, while U.S. forces were getting their cans kicked up and down the mountains of Afghanistan, American citizens were up in arms about another style of combat: Celebrity Boxing. According to the Associated Press, “Long Island Lolita,” Amy Fisher, pulled out of a scheduled televised boxing match with banned figure skater and hometown hellion Tonya Harding. The two were supposed to scrap for the upcoming FOX special cleverly titled, Celebrity Boxing, along with other such non-celebrities as Danny “Partridge Family” Bonaduce vs. Barry “Greg Brady” Williams, and fallen honky rapper Vanilla Ice vs. Todd “Wha’choo Talkin’ About, Willis?” Bridges. However, as it turned out, Amy is still on parole for shooting the wife of her then-lover Joey Buttafuoco, and the New York State Parole Board has refused to allow her appearance. According to spokesman Tom Grant, “it would not be conducive to her continued parole supervision and would send an inappropriate message to victims of violent crime.” In her stead will be sexual harassment maven Paula Jones, whose dismissed lawsuit against former President Clinton led to the public crucifixion of that poor darling Monica Lewinsky. And since this edition of One Day will go to press before this disgusting, yet fascinating display of pugilism and commerce, we have no problem predicting who will win each of these matches. Place your bets, folks, ’cause this is how it’s all gonna go down. Ice over Bridges in a three-round split-decision, Bonaduce will easily outscore the decrepit Williams, and finally, Harding will score a middle of the second round T.K.O. over Jones. GO HOMETOWN!

TUESDAY, MARCH 5 Well, all that whining seemed to have worked; today, the White House finally briefed Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle on Bush’s “shadow government” plan. It seems that after 9/11, Bush activated the Cold War-era scheme (wherein government officials work underground to keep the country running in case of catastrophe) and oopsy! Forgot to tell Congress! Daschle was mad not only because the White House neglected to inform him there was a secret government operating, but that Congress wanted a “shadow government,” too, and wasn’t given one. Of course, now Daschle is sorry he asked, because according to White House spokesman Ari Fleischer, the “shadow government” isn’t sexy at all–it’s the same boring, faceless bureaucrats that go around mucking things up on a daily basis. “In this facility you have people who work on getting out Social Security checks, minting coins, printing bills, things the government does everyday,” he said. “What they’re doing there in their desks in the bunker is the same thing they would do here at their desks in Washington, D.C.” Well, thanks to the highly trained investigative squad here at the Mercury, we now know that Fleischer is full of horse crap. For a complete picture of who is actually involved in the “shadow government,” turn to page 9. And may God help us all!

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 6 THRICE you have read stories in this column regarding the grand majesty of our Dark Lord Satan, and THRICE these stories have celebrated his unholy rule over this earth! However, according the following missive from ABC news, our eeeevil Prince of Lies has a new enemy–the mayor of Inglis, Florida! Perhaps you recall back in November, when Mayor Carolyn Risher chose to mock our cloven-hoofed master by banning Satan from her town–having four hollow posts erected at each of the town’s entrances. And each of these posts displayed a devil-phobic proclamation such as, “We exercise our authority over the devil in Jesus‘ name. By that authority, and through His Blessed Name, we command all satanic and demonic forces to cease their activities and depart the town of Inglis.” FOOLS!! BLIND FOOLS!! Well, happily for all those who bow before the all-powerful monarch of Hades, those infernal posts have been stolen! “I just can’t believe anyone would do this,” Mayor Risher moaned in the piteous way only Christians can. “They were put there for the good of the town, as well as to reclaim our town back to God.” HA! HA! HAAA! O, FOOLISH MORTAL! God doesn’t want your stupid town! It’s in FLORIDA! You and your town’s pitiful residents are now under the dark tutelage of our horned lord SATAN! BOW DOWN! Bow before him and embrace the sweet misery only Lucifer can inflict! (And while you’re at it, run down to the 31 flavors and bring us back a butterscotch shake. We’re feeling peckish.)

THURSDAY, MARCH 7 If you’re having any doubts about the basic humanity of human beings maybe you’d better skip this one. A nurse’s aid in Fort Worth, Texas was arrested today for hitting a homeless man with her car, and instead of offering assistance, drove him home with his body impaled on the car’s windshield, and left him in her garage to slowly die over a three-day period. According to the driver, 25-year-old Chante Mallard, she told police she had been drinking and was high on Ecstasy when the accident occurred. The victim, 37-year-old Gregory Biggs, was thrown through the windshield leaving his broken legs resting on the hood. During Biggs’ three-day stay in the garage where he slowly bled to death, Mallard said she would often check on him and apologize for her actions. After he perished, she talked some friends into helping her dump the body in a nearby park. Medical examiners state that had Biggs received medical attention, he might have lived, considering he had no internal injuries and died from blood loss and shock. The county prosecutor has charged Mallard with murder and, in perhaps the stupidest statement ever made by a lawyer, her attorney said, “I think this is overreaching on the part of the prosecution and police. In the end, I believe the law will shake out that this was simply a case of failure to stop and render aid.”

FRIDAY, MARCH 8 Vegetarians: 235. Fast Food Congloporations: 17. The New York Times reported today that the evil, cute cow-slaughtering McDonald’s Corporation has agreed to issue an apology and pay $10 million to vegetarian and religious groups for using beef flavoring in its French fries. Vegetarians, Hindus, and yours truly were shocked and just a little vomity after it was released that McDonald’s had been putting cute cow bits in its very-clearly-implied-vegetarian French fries. We just ASSUMED that when McDonald’s announced in 1990 that it was going to now use vegetable oil to cooks its fries that it was now going to use vegetable oil to cook its fries. But silly us, they meant vegetable oil AND cute cow bits. NOW we understand. Can we have $4000?

SATURDAY, MARCH 9 Did we say that the universe was pale turquoise? Oops, we meant beige! It turns out that the astronomers at Johns Hopkins University whose announcement that the universe was a pale green and made the front pages of newspapers all over the world apparently, “got it wrong.” They say a flaw in their computer software led them astray. Hello? The universe isn’t beige. Look around you. Look up in the sky. Look at photos. Haven’t these people ever seen Next Generation? The universe is BLACK, with tiny specks of light. Beige. (These people will say ANYTHING for grant money.)

SUNDAY, MARCH 10 The results from the most hotly contested race since the last presidential race are in, and this time righteousness and clear skin have won out over blustery whininess. The Screen Actors Guild (SAG) has elected darling little Melissa Gilbert as President, over noisy Valerie Harper. The union had already elected Melissa MONTHS ago, but Valerie’s camp demanded a recount. As if ANYONE would want harpy Valerie over cute, braided, freckle-faced Melissa. She’ll run that union with an IRON FIST. Look out, studio fat cats! You better treat actors fairly, or she’ll CRY. (Note to Melissa: we have the name of a terrific anti-freckle cream, just give a jingle.)