MONDAY, MARCH 11
Ah-HA! It’s just as we suspected: Winona Ryder is INNOCENT! Though
the media has done their best to persecute the winsome star of Girl, Interrupted,
as always, “The truth will out!” Video footage was released today, supposedly
proving that Ms. Ryder shoplifted from Saks Fifth Avenue last December,
and as it turned out? It did nothing of the kind! Though accused of traipsing
out of the store with $4,800 worth of clothing and accessories–including
an absolutely darling Carabella black hat–the video merely shows Ryder going
on a 90-minute balls-out shopping spree and making salesgirls jump around
like they were barefoot in a frying pan. And while she will still have to go to
court, Ryder’s lawyer Mark Geragos is expecting a speedy dismissal. “Contrary
to public perception, this tape exonerates her,” he said. Then unable to resist
making an idiotic pun, he added, “I’d say this is a prosecution, interrupted.”
Uggh. God, he’s stupid. Meanwhile! Is it true? Is the virginal, eternal love of
Britney and Justin Timberlake on the skids? Well, according to the New
York Post and British tabloids, there’s trouble in chastity-belt land! Rumors
have been flying about the supposed break-up of the two, and while Britney
was in Italy telling MTV Europe they were still a happy snuggly-wuggly couple,
Justin was reportedly “bumping and grinding” with a hotsy-totsy brunette
at the Hollywood hotspot A.D.–and even worse? The whole ugly affair was in plain
view of Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, and Christina Aguilera (who surely had just a trace of a smug smile on her lips.) Stay tuned for further
vile innuendo as the situation develops!

TUESDAY, MARCH 12
God! We hope if there actually is a “shadow government,” Winona Ryder takes the place of “Homeland Security Chief” Tom Ridge–the man has no
concept of color coordination! While many of us were under the impression that
the newly appointed Ridge was simply standing around impersonating a Mafioso,
apparently he has been doing some actual work and revealed the results of his
six-month-long art project today. Correctly noting that the nation’s
terrorist warning system has been met with a mixture of skepticism and
hilarity, Ridge has stepped up to the plate and assigned a color for
each level of panic. For example: If John Ashcroft runs out and yells “Code
Green! Code Green!” don’t worry about it; it simply means “low risk”
or someone of Arab descent was spotted at the airport. A “code blue“
would be classified as “a general” or “still bullshit” concern. “Yellow“
is an “elevated condition” where the actual danger is low, but the panic among
government officials is high. “Orange” signifies a “high risk of attack”
and is easy to remember because it is named after a fruit. And finally, “Red“
means “severe risk,” and involves the closing of government facilities, monitoring
transportation systems, and public executions of non-patriots after a lengthy
military tribunal. Ridge was given a “B+” for his project and promised reporters
an actual working papier-mâché volcano by year’s end.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 13
Okay. So we’re all well aware that the FOX network has a bad reputation
for showing such disgusting fare as Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire? and The Glutton Bowl. But we’re a little tired of all the smack-talk
about Celebrity Boxing–because it was GREAT. And while the celebrities
were only celebrities in the most loose definition of the term, it was a scream
and a half to watch Vanilla Ice get bitch-slapped by Willis from
Diff’rent Strokes. The aged Barry Williams of Brady Bunch fame was also handily defeated by ex-drug addict Danny “Partridge Family“
Bonaduce, but whether the defeat came from Danny’s fists or Barry’s flopping
man-titties is still up for debate. However, the most anticipated match
of the night went to hometown hothead Tonya Harding, in her battle against
lawsuit-happy Paula Jones. Though Paula actually had the nerve to stand
in front of Tonya for a good 25 seconds of the fight, the following two rounds
were spent trying to make Tonya die of a heart attack from chasing after her.
So while critics may decry this show as yet another tumble into the abyss of
commercialized crassness, we think if you can make a good paycheck from making
an ass out of yourself, where’s the harm? (Waitasecond isn’t that the Mercury‘s
mission statement?)

THURSDAY, MARCH 14
It was a “crisis of conscience” today for the syndicated columnist known as
“Dear Abby,” who alerted police after receiving a letter from a man who
confessed to having sexual fantasies about his girlfriend’s young daughters.
Jeanne Phillips, who took over the job of writing “Dear Abby”
from her mother, Abigail Van Buren, had for years kept her pledge of
confidentiality regarding the letters being sent to her. However, it seems she
draws the line at the mention of pedophilia. Though the man denied acting
on the fantasies, the man was later arrested on charges of having lewd photos
of children on his computer. “I was torn,” Phillips told the Milwaukee Journal
Sentinel, “because my readers do turn to me for help, yet there was the
priority of the safety of those young girls.” You may be interested to know
that Mercury staff members were split right down the middle on the issue
of whether Abby is a heroic protector of children or a stinking narc and proud member of the “thought-police.” So, for the final answer, we
turned to Dan Savage (author of the second most popular advice column
in the world, Savage Love) and asked him what he would have done in Abby’s
position. “Unlike Abby, I get letters from would-be pedophiles practically every
day,” Savage bragged. “I tell them exactly what society expects of them; that
they must resist acting on their impulses. But if they actually go through with
it? I have no problem turning them in.” So the obvious moral of this tale is,
if you’re a wanna-be pedophile, don’t turn to Abby! Send your letter to Savage
Love–where you’ve always got a friend.

FRIDAY, MARCH 15
In a revelation that is sure to shake the psychic hotline industry to
the core, we discovered today, that lawyers have uncovered that Miss Cleo,
the Jamaican psychic, was actually born in L.A., to American-born parents. She
is NOT Jamaican. Her name is not even Miss Cleo. She was born Youree
Dell Harris. Youree? What kind of name is THAT? She has been fooling us
all along with that pitch-perfect accent. All that stuff she told us about the
red-haired waiter at a downtown café was a LIE. To think, we considered
a brief retreat from monogamy based on DECEIT and MISINFORMATION! We want our
$428 back, and you can keep those collectible tarot cards. We feel SO violated!

SATURDAY, MARCH 16
Today, we came across terrific news! The New York Times reported
that Tipper Gore is seriously considering running for the Tennessee Senate
seat. We, like all Tipper’s friends, were a tad stunned by the fact that
Tipper would consider running for office. Did she bother to call and let us
know before it became public? No. But once she gets an idea in her head, there’s
no stopping her. (We TOLD her that campaign for music rating labels was a tempest
in a teapot.) Tipper decided to consider the race after reportedly spending
late nights on the phone giggling with Hillary. We don’t know what those
two are up to, but we are ALL FOR IT. Tipper, if you run for the Senate, we
will QUIT OUR JOB and campaign for you FULL TIME. We will move to Tennessee
and answer phones and pass our brochures and march up and down the street in
our Jimmy Choos until our feet bleed. You are a HERO, Tipper Gore. And
you shall be WORSHIPED by ALL.

SUNDAY, MARCH 17
Tipper Gore decided to ruin everyone’s holiday today, by announcing that
she is NOT going to run for the U.S. Senate, and while we were
getting our head around THAT, our favorite Jew-hating despot, Billy Graham,
apologized AGAIN for his odious and stupid anti-Semitic remarks on recently
released Nixon tapes. (Clearly he was humbled by our comments in a previous
column.) “I don’t ever recall having those feelings about any group, especially
the Jews,” he explained. Perhaps he was speaking metaphorically when
he told Nixon that the Jewish “stranglehold has got to be broken or the country’s
going down the drain.” We need you Tipper. Please. Reconsider.