MONDAY, APRIL 22
Before we begin this installment of One Day at a Time, we feel it is appropriate
to issue the following warning: There will be little to no mentions of Spider-Man in this column. And that’s because we feel basing an entire issue of a newspaper
around a fictional superhero–especially one as ridiculous as Spider-Man–is
a masturbatory exercise of epic proportion. It should come as no great shock that
it was the MEN of the Mercury who came up with this harebrained idea; an
idea that was universally panned by the feminine aspect of the office–at least
those of us not prone to lesbianism. In fact, while we ladies were getting our
weekly pedicure at Cheveux Salon & Gallery (happily located across the street
from our workspace), we entered into a discussion of why men who are excited by
the idea of Spider-Man are also notoriously inept when it comes to the
simple task of inserting a penis into a vagina. We came to the conclusion that
these gentlemen spent their formative years as bespectacled nerds who were unable
to compete physically with their better-built counterparts, and therefore empathized
with Spider-Man’s lack of social skills and his inability to satisfy women.
But instead of dismissing Spider-Man as a youthful dalliance that should
be put away with video games when one reaches the age of 16, these men have embraced
this dubious role model and are now under the woefully incorrect assumption that
it’s okay to act like a retard and fall apart whenever they are lucky enough to
be invited into the sack! But hey, fellas. Don’t let us interrupt your little
dream world. We just thought you’d like to know why our “heroes” require batteries.

TUESDAY, APRIL 23
The unfortunate thing about “celebrity” is that all too often, the “celebrity”
in question is pigeonholed into a single role, and never given the opportunity
to show themselves as a whole person. For example, there’s Saddam Hussein.
We all know him for being the President of Iraq and a constant bee in the bonnet
of the Bush boys–senior and junior. But did you also know he writes romance
novels? According to a report from Reuters, the Middle Eastern dictator
is the anonymous author of two romance novels: The Fortified Castle and
Zabibah and the King, an epic and tragic tale of a ruler (Hussein)
who falls in love with an unhappily married woman (Kuwait) who is raped by an
unthinking brute (either America or George Sr.–take your pick). The book has
been adapted into a play by poet Adeeb Nasir, who is premiering the work
this week at the Iraqi National Theater. “It took me one year to read
the epic novel,” Nasir said, “but I made it into a play in 15 days.” Iraqi officials
are still debating whether Nasir’s statement should be taken as a compliment.
Season tickets for the Iraqi National Theater are still available, and after
Zabibah and the King you can expect such great shows as Seven Bombs
for Seven Martyrs, starring WKRP in Cincinnati’s Gary Sandy.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 24
Today provided good news for the occasionally horny priest. After a meeting
with the Pope, American Roman Catholic leaders agreed to fire priests
who sexually abuse children on a regular basis, but decided to take it
easy on those who have stuck their dicks in kids only once or twice. The church
leaders agreed they should defrock priests who are “guilty of the serial,
predatory abuse of minors,” but the fate of those who are not “notorious” would
be left up to the local bishop. After a scandalous upswing in child abuse cases,
many lifetime Catholics were shocked the church did not order a blanket dismissal
for all abusive priests. Colm O’Gorman, a member of the One In Four anti-abuse
support group, said, “To suggest that there has to be a certain number of victims
before the church takes action is disgraceful.” As to whether the priestly vow
of celibacy has been a contributing factor to the rash of sexual abuse cases,
the church leaders stood firm, saying, “a link between celibacy and pedophilia cannot be scientifically maintained.” That is not to say, however, they’re not
willing to give it the good old college try.

THURSDAY, APRIL 25
It’s been a celebrity death pile this week with the passing of Alice
in Chains singer Layne Staley (found badly decomposed in his apartment),
porn actress and Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace (who died of
complications from an automobile accident), and today R&B performer Lisa
“Left Eye” Lopes of the group TLC, who perished in an car crash in Honduras.
The Associated Press reported that out of the seven people in
the car, Lopes was the only one who died in the mysterious accident where the
automobile rolled over several times. Naturally, Lopes will be sorely missed
by the surviving members of TLC (Chilli and T-Boz), but will also be
mourned by those of us who followed her hilarious antics. Besides having one
of the sassiest mouths in the business, Lopes is probably best remembered for
accidentally burning down her boyfriend’s million-dollar mansion in 1994. The two were arguing and after he stomped out in a huff, Lopes retaliated
by attempting to burn his prized sneakers in the tub. Unfortunately,
the mansion followed suit. (If you ever get a chance to catch TLC’s Behind
the Music on VH-1, don’t miss it; it’s a hoot.) And if you need any further
reminders about how unfair life can be, today, the pop singer known as Jewel was thrown violently from the horse she was riding–and lived.

FRIDAY, APRIL 26
According to Entertainment Weekly (if Vogue is our bible, then
EW is our prayer book), Wylie Gustafson, the Yahoo yodeler,
has settled a $5 million copyright lawsuit that he filed against the
internet portal. Gustafson was miffed when Yahoo paid him only $590 for his
“yahooooooooo,” and then used it a gazillion times after telling him
they’d be using it once. We know we’d be less than delighted if someone misrepresented
his or her purchase of OUR yodel. In other news, the estate of deceased Queen
rocker Freddie Mercury is suing the Portland Mercury on somewhat
similar grounds.

SATURDAY, APRIL 27
Today, we were nibbling on a baguette and thumbing through Le Monde,
when it struck us that we would never–not with all the book learning in the
world–understand the French. Le Monde (if Vogue is our bible
and EW is our prayer book, then Le Monde is our cherished volume
of Ukrainian poetry) reported today, that tens of thousands of protesters
marched in Paris and other French cities in a persistent show of anger at
far-right presidential candidate Jean-Marie Le Pen’s surprise success
in the first round of voting last weekend. Some protesters beat on drums. Le
Pen, who is indeed a Bad Man, WON his primary race against the Al Gore candidate with 17 percent of the vote. Now you can’t find a Frenchie who will
admit voting for Le Pen, and the whole country is hysterical with embarrassment.
Who benefits? The George Bush incumbent candidate whom everyone now HAS
to vote for to prevent the Ross Perot candidate from winning. Even the
Al Gore candidate is now supporting the George Bush incumbent in an effort to
thwart the rise to power of the Ross Perot candidate. This sort of thing would
never happen in the United States. (At least not the protesting.)

SUNDAY, APRIL 28
More celebrity bucket kicking: The Oregonian reported today, that Ruth
Handler, the inventor of the Barbie doll, has died at the
age of 85. The official cause of death was complications following colon surgery,
though some suspect a feminist assassin. A private memorial ceremony
is planned at the Malibu Dream Funeral Home and Crematorium. Palm bearers will
include Barbie, Skipper, Ken, and Midge. Handler, though known primarily for
her Mattel sensation, also had a second career manufacturing and marketing artificial
breasts for women who had undergone mastectomies in an effort to make them
more “anatomically correct.” Her family has asked that mourners send only plastic
flowers.