MONDAY, MAY 6
Confidential message to Matthew Hooker: If you’re looking to sue One
Day at a Time? Get in line, pal! Long time readers of One Day may remember
an item we printed awhile back about Mr. Hooker and his ahh infatuation with starlet Nicole Kidman. Seems the gentleman was under the impression
that Nicky had flirted with him and was considering co-starring alongside Hooker
in a movie he had written. He then took this incorrect impression to mean it was
okay to start showing up at her house unannounced at all hours of the night.
However, when Hooker was presented with a restraining order, he blew his
wig and started a website called BoycottNicoleKidman.com.
This of course generated a lot of excess media coverage (a bandwagon on
which we were extremely pleased to jump on). Well, today Candidate Hooker–did
we mention he was also running for President?–has filed a $200 million defamation
suit against Kidman and at least 80 newspapers, magazines, and TV shows, who
he claims have wrongly accused him of being “a stalker.” On his other website,
matthooker.com, he says he’s been
depicted as “mentally unstable or disturbeda threat to women and children everywherea
perverted stalker.” However, he goes on to claim that the opposite is true, and
he is actually “handsome, culturedcivilized.” He also hopes to “find and marry
my Great Love before being elected President,” because it is only with
her support that he’ll be able to carry out his weighty duty, especially “during
the times when I will need to make significant changes in the way society
operates.” See, Nicole? He’s not the crazy one! YOU ARE!! (And we’re not just
saying that just because we have more pending lawsuits than R. Kelly.)

TUESDAY, MAY 7
In extremely surprising news, a report released today at a Pediatric Academic
conference in Baltimore, seems to be in complete agreement with the wild ravings
of our eccentric Aunt Fanny. According to a lengthy monologue delivered
by Fanny over last Christmas dinner, “these young girls and their piercings can’t lead to nothing but trouble“–and as it turns out, a study made
by Dr. Timothy Roberts says Fanny is absolutely right! In information
gleaned from nearly 4,600 teens aged 12-19, “females with body piercings were
about two and a half times more likely to have sex, two and a half times
more likely to have smoked, two and a half times more likely to have
used marijuana in the past month, and almost two times as likely to have
skipped school in the past year.” The report also notes that boys who
have piercings were five times as likely to have skipped school and had higher
risks for smoking and drinking–but c’mon. They were going to do that anyway.
Regardless, on behalf of all the young ladies in America, we’d like to thank
Dr. Roberts for his report and for perpetuating the age-old practice of judging
women by their appearance, giving our fathers (and Aunt Fanny’s) another reason
to call us bimbos, whores, and sluts.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 8
Sometimes people write in asking, “Ann, when are you going to let the Nader-Traitors off the hook?” Funny you should ask! Because we were just thinking those poor
unthinking fools had gotten enough ass-kickings from yours truly–that is
until today, when another glacier snapped off in Antarctica and the Bush
administration came out in favor of more permissive gun laws. The
glacier in question, which has been estimated to be roughly ten times the size
of Manhattan, is the second such “calving” in two months, and has been largely
blamed on the U.S. being the world’s largest emitter of greenhouse gasses.
President Bush continues to assert there hasn’t been enough proof to cut back
on corporations and vehicles that choke the atmosphere with the stuff every
freaking day. Also, it was bad news today for people who dislike being shot
by guns, as the Bush Administration argued to the Supreme Court that every citizen
should have the right to bear arms. This is in direct opposition to previous
administrations who interpreted the Second Amendment as saying it was a “collective
right,” as in state-sponsored militias. According to Michael Barnes,
president of the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence, “It’s a terrible setback
Eighty people a day die from gun violence and to have an administration
that is so pro-gun is just tragic.” It wasn’t tragic for the NRA and major polluters,
however, who spent the day shooting guns, emitting greenhouse gasses, and kissing
their life-sized posters of Ralph Nader. (But really we don’t blame anyone.)

THURSDAY, MAY 9
But enough depressing news! It’s time to “turn that frown upside down” with
an uplifting story from America’s heartland. As you know, we’ve been
breathlessly following the Davenport Mad Bomber story where someone has
been blowing up mailboxes with pipebombs in Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska,
Colorado, and Texas. And as it turns out? The felon was only trying to make
people happy! When the accused 21-year-old art student was picked up–after
being narc’d on by his dad, no less–he admitted to an officer that he was placing
his bombs in a particular design, so when one looked at a map of the U.S., one
would see a “smiley face.” And who knows? Perhaps his nation-wide campaign
to cheer up America would’ve worked–had he not injured four mail carriers and
two residents. And while the prosecutor for the case claimed, “It’s apparent
to me that he suffers from some apparent mental health problems,” since
when is it suddenly a crime to be HAPPY? Huh? Answer us that!

FRIDAY, MAY 10
The cinema/olfactory community wept today, after learning that one of Hollywood’s
great innovators, Michael Todd, Jr. had died at his rural Irish
mansion. The son of Elizabeth Taylor-ex Mike Todd (whose death drove her into
the arms of Eddie Fisher, thereby breaking up the marriage of Eddie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds, thoroughly embittering their daughter Carrie,
who would eventually channel that bitterness into the sardonic Princess Leia,
captivating and inspiring a generation of girls), Michael Jr. is credited with
producing the only movie ever filmed in “Smell-o-Vision.” Summarily dismissed
by critics as a “lame-assed gimmick,” “Smell-o-Vision” was, in fact, an artistic
breakthrough of mammoth import. Basically it worked like this: tiny tubes beneath
the filmgoers’ seats piped in smells that correlated to scenes in the movie.
Food! Pipe smoke! Etc! While “Smell-o-Vision” did not catch on, its influence
is nevertheless responsible for much of John Waters’ career.

SATURDAY, MAY 11
The New York Times reported today that Hanssen has been sentenced
to life in prison for spying for Moscow. Teen fans of the trio’s hit “Mmm
Bop” were reportedly apoplectic and distraught. What will they do next?
Try the Backstreet Boys for genocidal war crimes at The Hague? When will
this madness end?

SUNDAY, MAY 12
According to The New York Times, American women are beginning to suspect
that motherhood is a crock. We know. We were shocked, too. But
you know those über-cute Stepford mommies who show up at the Irving
Park pug day with their just-so pugs and their just-so coiffed tresses and
their just-so babies in their just-so French baby clothes? You know how they
are always just SO deliriously content and complete? Well, according to The
New York Times, these women are ACTING. The truth is that many of
these women are lonely, bored, and without a friend
in the world. Sometimes they fantasize about just turning around and walking
away from the pug and the baby and the Subaru and heading off to Austin or El
Paso and just getting a plot of land and maybe starting some sort of shoe store.
They just pretend to be crazy in love with their baby-centric life because society
is suspicious of any mother who admits the postpartum, depressed, sleep-deprived
reality. What? Pressure associated with having a screaming, uncommunicative,
attention-demanding creature for whom you are legally responsible? No! It’s
all laughing gas and applesauce! Mothers LOVE babies! Mothers would give
up EVERYTHING for their babies. All they ask for in return is one thing: a Mother’s
Day card. (Don’t worry; you can still call. Just say you were in rehab.)