MONDAY, JULY 15 This just in to the “One Day at a Time” News Desk (which is actually just a stack of back issues of Mademoiselle–but don’t stop me now!), the most hated man in the universe, Osama bin Laden, is ALIVE and HEALTHY or so says the London-based Arabic newspaper Al-Quds Al-Arabi. According to editor Abd al-Bari Atwan, sources close to the al-Qaida honcho “confirmed to me that the man is in good health.” The story also goes on to say that bin Laden was wounded in a U.S. bombing raid of Afghanistan back in December, but only suffered a shrapnel wound to the shoulder. This means his unharmed hands are free to rub together as he laughs with malicious glee over his nefarious deeds.

Whoops! This just in to the “One Day” News Desk the most hated man in the universe, Osama bin Laden is DEAD and UNHEALTHY or so says FBI Counter-Terrorism Chief Dale Watson. According to comments made at a conference of law enforcement agents, Watson believes that bin Laden is “no longer with us,” but as we have come to expect from the upper echelon of FBI bureaucrats, “I have no evidence to support that.” However, lest he lose the interest of the crowd, Watson was quick to point out although the al-Qaida training camps have been dismantled, “there is no question in my mind we will be attacked again.” This rousing statement sent a flurry of excited murmurs through the room until of course, Watson chose to follow up with an idiotic statement. “The terrorist fleas infesting the country want to kill you,” he yowled. “They could be in your neighborhood.” Okay. So now the FBI is tracking fleas? Well, I must say they have certainly been terrorizing my poor Muffy. Aren’t they schmoogin-woogins? Aren’t those horrible terrorist fleas bothering my Muffin-Wuffins? This has been a special report from the “One Day at a Time” Newsdesk!

TUESDAY, JULY 16 It’s official! Hollywood’s ickiest couple are now splitsville. Angelina Jolie paid a visit to the Los Angeles Superior Court today, to file for divorce from her hubby of two years, Billy Bob Thornton. In an interview with US Weekly, Angelina characteristically over-emoted about her creepy marriage to that truly disgusting little man. “I’m angry, I’m sad,” she said monosyllabically. “It was a real deep connection, a deep marriage.” That is, it was deep until the pair adopted a Cambodian child, and Billy Bob hit the road faster than a jackrabbit whose powderpuff was on fire. The boy, who was hand-picked from a Cambodian orphanage, moved into the couple’s home in June and Billy Bob skeedattled a mere 11 days later. Just in case you’re thinking, “Huh. These people are crazy,” we would have to respond, “Where have you been?” Jolie and Thornton’s relationship is spattered with weird contrivances such as tattooing their names on each other, wearing vials of each other’s blood around their necks, naked photo shoots with horses, and quotes to the media such as, “I broke down on the set, screaming about how much I wanted him,” and “Sex for us is almost too much.” We agree. The two of you are too much for us as well. But maybe we can still be friends?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17 And now, back by popular demand! The return of the continuing saga As the Booty Turns! In our last episode, Jennifer “J.LO” Lopez gave hubby Cris Judd the boot, and has since been seen canoodling around town with Ben Affleck, Ralph Fiennes, and is her wandering eye turning back to ex-love Sean “H.R. Puff ‘N’ Diddy” Combs? We now join As the Booty Turns already in progress. The Hamptons. A funny, sunny getaway for the rich and famous to hobnob, cavort, and canoodle; but according to the New York Post, J.LO’s invited beaus were no-shows! Sneaky-peeky spies reveal that she “hoped Ben Affleck would join her,” but alas, he was whisked away to Japan to promote his film The Sum of All Fears. And since Ralph Fiennes was similarly indisposed, the lonely LO even called “Puff the Magic Diddy” to hang out with her on the beach–and his response? No dice, Miss Slice-of-Nice! According to a Combs chum, “Jennifer has been calling Puffy non-stop. It’s amazing. But believe me, he’s not going back to her.” But wait–while Jennifer stomps around in a huff, settling for a bag of microwave popcorn to keep her company who is that skulking around her old Soho apartment? Could it be scorned ex-hubby Cris Judd? Find out in the next exciting episode of As the Booty Turns!

THURSDAY, JULY 18 Have you tried to use those new fancy parking meters downtown? Oh sweet god, what a HORROR! My very best friend in the world, Tricia Verlaine-Davenport, who graduated in my class at Brown and is married to an extremely successful mortgage broker, tried to help me figure these stupid things out, and we were dumbfounded! We are incredibly smart, talented women who also happen to be “easy on the eyes” (or so we’ve been told), and yet, we stood there for a good 15 minutes looking like dullards who were fortunate enough to be dressed in Prada. Happily, today’s Oregonian was sweet enough to include directions on how to operate these technological cluster-fucks. And they are as follows: “Fee is the same, $1 an hour. Drop in coins or slide card. Choose maximum time or 15-minute increments–blue buttons. If you make an error or change your mind, hit the red “cancel” button and money will be returned or no charge applied. [Eyes glazing over Mind drifting away Must stay awake!] The digital clock will tell what time the space expires. If satisfied, hit the green button and a label and receipt will be issued. Clock returns to time of day. [Huh?? What was that about the clock?!?] Tear off the receipt to take with you. Remove the label sticky back, attach half the sticky part to the label back [What is this? Some kind of Lewis Carroll poem?] and slap the label with the time showing out on the inside of the front curbside window ” Okay! Okay! You win! We just won’t use the machines! (It’s not as if we pay our parking tickets anyway )

FRIDAY, JULY 19 Congratulations go out to the beautiful and talented Nicole Hooper for winning the Mrs. Portland Mercury Beauty Pageant tonight at Berbati’s. An attractively sweaty crowd watched the winner wow the celebrity judges in a super-sexy mermaid outfit, dressed as a Pabst Blue Ribbon can, and performing a revved-up version of Sir Mix-A-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” along with three gyrating hoochie-mama dancers. Congrats also go out to the pageant’s second runner-up, Dave Keeney, whose talents included “making moonshine at home” and prancing around in nothing but a shower cap, and the first runner-up, Kasia the Polish Dumpling, who floored everyone in attendance with her talent, “jumping rope without a bra.” Don’t miss next week’s Mercury, for an exclusive interview and pictures of the winner! Ooh-la-la!

SATURDAY, JULY 20 According to The Oregonian, at least 25 stupid people died and 100 stupid people were injured today in a blaze started by bartenders doing stupid tricks with fire. The bartenders, who were apparently re-enacting scenes from the movie Cocktail, were launching plumes of fire into the air by spraying aerosol cans and lighting the jet of gas, to the great entertainment of customers of Utopia, an upscale Lima nightclub. Customers sealed their own fate when their fruitless efforts to douse the flames with their “sex on the beach” cocktails only served to fuel the fire. In a cruel twist on Darwinism, the smartest creatures in the room, a caged lion and tiger, who “were also part of the show,” were among those incinerated by the inferno.

SUNDAY, JULY 21 The New York Times reported today, that an old coot with a rifle opened fire on a helicopter landing in a residential neighborhood, when he mistook the aircraft for some sort of terrorist attack vehicle. The helicopter was in fact landing at the home of a businessman to pick him up. John Chwaszczewski, a “semi-retired construction worker,” said he was alarmed when the helicopter swooped down over his garage. “Maybe I overreacted, but I did feel this was terrorism at its utmost,” Mr. Chwaszczewski said. Mr. Chwaszczewski was charged with interfering with an aircraft, discharging a firearm in a public place, reckless handing of a firearm, and not shortening his name as required when granted American citizenship. If convicted of the last charge, he could face a $30,000 fine and life in prison.