MONDAY, AUGUST 5 Is Britney Spears tumbling into an ever-spiraling pit of insanity? Probably not. But according to “those in the know,” the crown princess of teeny-pop is suffering major burnout and still nursing the heart that was smashed by that worthless cad, Justin Timberlake. “She’s planning on moving back to Louisiana and living with her mother,” says an industry spy in today’s New York Post. “She’s tired of being under constant pressure to perform, and is exhausted, and is still broken up about Justin.” Well, it’s true that the Britster has been under some serious media scrutiny as of late; she was recently caught giving some paparazzi the finger in Mexico, and only two days afterward, she got booed by an angry Latino crowd for abruptly terminating a concert. If you ask us (and we know you were planning on doing so eventually), Britney has been running with the WRONG CROWD. Some snoopy gab-a-lots saw her frolicking at Hugh Hefner‘s Pajama Party at the Playboy mansion, trying to snag the attentions of Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in a sad, sad attempt to make Justin jealous. The result? When confronted with competition like the Playboy bunnies, poor Britney proved that she’s “just a girl, not yet a woman.” True, it may be pitiful and embarrassing, but for some reason we LOVE it!

Meanwhile! Sean “H.R. Puff-N-Diddy” Combs smacked the wrong fan on a recent trip to St. Tropez. When John Theodoracopulos (the son of “jet-setting columnist” Taki) accidentally bumped into Senor Diddly at the posh Byblos Hotel, his sincere apology was met with a swift smack on the head from the rap impresario! Not willing to put up with that kind of crap from anybody, Theodoracopulos leapt at Puffy, but was stopped short by his army of bodyguards. Nevertheless, Taki was proud of his progeny, telling the London Mirror, “Too many people are intimidated by bully-boy celebrities throwing their weight around. This is the trouble with today’s rich. Not only are they fat, ugly, and terribly common, they’re also surrounded by bodyguards.” And while most people would have found it sufficient to stop there, Taki decided to add one last curse: “Puff Asshole, or whatever his name is, will end up in the deepest circle of Dante’s hell.” Yeah!! We bet you won’t have your bodyguards down there, you you Puffy Asshole!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 6 If you happen to know the whereabouts of roughly 400 laptop computers and 775 weapons that were stolen from the FBI and INS–could you give them a call? Seems they’re in biiiiiiiig trouble. A recent audit of these offshoots of the Justice Department revealed they are retards when it comes to keeping track of their own coffers. Another warning flag came up when some of the stolen weapons were recovered after they were used in ARMED ROBBERIES. While the organizations were supposed to be taking inventory every two years, as it turns out, the last time they counted their belongings was ten years ago. “This problem has sparked consequences, in criminal acts and danger to national security,” said Republican Senator Chuck Grassley, who is apparently the head of the Senate Subcommittee on Demonstrating a Firm Grasp of the Obvious. “It stems from weak discipline, lax standards, tardy reporting and few, if any, consequences.” The FBI and INS quickly responded to Grassley’s accusations with a stinging rebuttal: “Oh, really? Well, why don’t you name one other thing we’ve done wrong lately? Okay, on second thought, don’t.”

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 7 Oregon’s “troubled teen” poster girl has been at it again! Sarah Roberts, the Lake Oswego gal who faked her own kidnapping a couple of weeks ago, was picked up in Camas, Washington on charges of riding around in a jeep with another teen and blowing some dope. Roberts and a high school friend, Megan Brooke Casey, were stopped by the Camas cops shortly before 11 pm, after failing to turn on their headlights. As it turns out, Casey’s Oregon driver’s license was suspended, and a quick search of the Jeep allegedly revealed a bag containing roughly 1.4 ounces of the wacky weed (is that what the kids are calling it nowadays? Frankly, we haven’t touched the stuff since our senior year at Brown). While admitting to smoking some “grass” earlier in the evening, the gals vehemently denied purchasing any of the “kind bud.” According to a story in The Oregonian, Casey says the two had gotten together to relive the glory days, when their frivolity was ruined by the fuzz. However, in a tear-inducing show of loyalty to her old school chum, Casey told the reporter, “It’s her (Sarah’s) pot, and she put it there! Now I’m getting in trouble for her.” Roberts, who is a not-so-sweet 16, was booked into the Clark County Juvie Center when her parents could not be reached. Sarah look, sweetie. We remember what it’s like to be young. And it’s pretty obvious you need the kind of guidance only the Mercury can provide. Now, we will gladly agree to adopt you but if you so much as look at our Jean Paul Gaultier velvet V-neck top? It’s off to the work farm for you!

THURSDAY, AUGUST 8 Sick and tired of President Bush’s ridiculous threats to invade Iraq, President Saddam Hussein stepped up to the mike to do some saber-rattling of his own. Referring to America as an “arrogant aggressor,” he yelped, “Darkness shall be defeatedThe forces of evil will carry their coffins on their backs, die in disgraceful failure, taking their schemes back with them, or digging their own graves.” Say what you want about those maniacal dictators; they do know how to turn a phrase. Naturally, Bush was on vacation (AGAIN) when Saddam uttered these colorful threats–but hilariously enough, the Iraqi head honcho found an unlikely ally in Texas Republican, Rep. Dick Armey. Though he may be a Lone Star State buddy of the Prez, Armey knows that just because Saddam is refusing admittance to U.N. weapons inspectors, that’s no reason to blow Iraq back to the stone age. “What if the French decided they wanted to inspect our American military facilities?” Armey rhetorically asked. “I am confident we would not allow that. He [Saddam] has a right to hold dominion within his own national boundaries, even if he’s obnoxious as he is, or comical as he is.” Bush could not be reached for comment as he had already left for his “vacation within a vacation”–which isn’t obnoxious or comical at all, is it?

FRIDAY, AUGUST 9 SOMEONE has been implying that our President, George Bush Jr., has been LOAFING during a nearly eon-long stay at his ranch. In an effort to prove this naysayer wrong, Bush agreed to allow a reporter to spend the morning with him. Sadly, he did not choose us. (He required someone who could jog.) However, there were some juicy nuggets in the chosen AP reporter’s dispatch. Here are some highlights:

“Bush does not like chitchat when he jogs. Spotting a herd of cattle, he says simply, ‘bovine.’ Minutes pass before he says another word.”

“‘Most Americans don’t sit in Martha’s Vineyard, swilling white wine,'” Bush says. (Exactly! This is why it is so popular with those of us who do.)

“Bush runs upright, his chest out.” (More evidence that he is actually being pulled along by some invisible wire attached to a chest harness.)

“Aides who just minutes earlier were advising Bush in a conference room are now hauling brush to the burn piles. Everyone is soon covered in dirt, bugs, and tree debris.” (Note to Gore: Just hang back and wait for the coup.)

SATURDAY, AUGUST 10 President Bush surfaced from his wood pile today long enough to announce that the United States has no “imminent war plan” for Iraq (wink, wink). Bush then reiterated he has no deadline (nudge, nudge) for achieving the long-standing U.S. goal of forcing Saddam from power. He pledged that his administration will consult with allies and Congress as it contemplates options that include military force. Asked whether the American people are prepared for U.S. soldiers’ deaths in any military campaign aimed at Saddam, Bush said, “I think that that presumes there’s some kind of imminent war plan.” (WINK, NUDGE.)

SUNDAY, AUGUST 11 Jason Priestley’s race car crashed head-on into a wall at nearly 180 mph today at the Kentucky Speedway, breaking his back and leaving him in serious condition with a concussion and other injuries. Perhaps one of the greatest comic actors of his generation, the former 90210 star was flown to the University of Kentucky Medical Center with a spinal fracture in the middle of his back and a closed head injury, as well as broken bones in both feet. Indy Racing League medical director Henry Bock said that Priestley was on a respirator to keep him sedated, but he was breathing on his own and was alert. He also said there was no sign of paralysis and that tests on Priestley would continue probably through the night. Bock would not speculate on how long his recovery would take or when Priestly would win a “lifetime contribution” Oscar. According to the Associated Press, Priestley appeared to have driven through “oil-dry,” an absorbent material that had been spread on part of the track about 10 minutes earlier, to soak up oil from another car. All the drivers had been warned to avoid it, IRL vice president Fred Nation said. But Priestly had been up all night at The Peach Pit After Dark and dozed briefly during the pre-race briefing. Why couldn’t it have been Brenda?