MONDAY, AUGUST 12 Wedding bells were ringing across the gossip pages of America today when it was announced that actor Nicolas Cage and famous progeny Lisa Marie Presley exchanged vows of holy matrimony. This is the type of story that really pisses off gossip-mongers, because we hate it when a high-profile couple gets hitched and no one saw it coming. Not that we really give a crap about Nick Cage and Lisa Marie Presley. We mean c’mon. Sure, Nick is an okay actor, but what has he done for us lately? The Family Man? Gone in 60 Seconds? Captain Corelli’s Mandolin? Give us a break. And Lisa Marie Presley? The only reason she’s famous is that her mouth once touched the mutated lips of Michael Jackson, which makes us ack the bile just keeps ack oh, god. We have to stop talking about this. Anyway, the point is that no one really seems to care that these two losers got married–and in fact, according to spies at the New York Post, some people are even accusing them of being dicks about it! Tonight at Moby and David Bowie’s pre-concert party in L.A., Nick and Lisa Marie actually had the gall to use their bodyguards to “clear a 10-foot radius around their upstairs banquette.” One of the brawny bruisers even asked Moby himself to move on, and it was his own stinking party! Accor-ding to those in attendance, the bald techno whiz told the bodyguard to stuff it, and accused the newlyweds of being “total freaks.” And while that’s certainly a case of the pot saying hello to “Mr. Black Kettle,” he’s got a point. At least we gossip whores can rest easy with the knowledge that we now have a new Billy Bob and Angelina Jolie.
TUESDAY, AUGUST 13 Today signaled another setback for the Mercury‘s continuing plan to eradicate all dirty, stinking hippies from Portland. It seems that certain health advocacy groups are on to the fact that Quorn (a fake meat substance) has given at least 33 hippies across the nation symptoms such as stomach distress, vomiting, and diarrhea. Super popular in Europe, the Quorn brand arrived in the states earlier this year, and their products–which include Garlic & Herb Chicken-Style Cutlets, Chicken-Style Patties, and Chicken-Style Nuggets–can be purchased at (surprise) Whole Foods and Wild Oats. In scientific lingo, Quorn is the trade name for “mycoprotein” and is a fungus that can be used as beef or chicken-style substitute. However the Center for Science in the Public Interest are alarmed by these recent reports of sickness, and peeved at the FDA for allowing Quorn into the country without so much a second looky-loo. “The FDA’s stance with regard to Quorn has been ‘get sick first, ask questions later,'” says Michael Jacobson, executive director of the CSPI. “This product was cavalierly waved through by the FDA with an alarming lack of curiosity.” Well, excuse us, hippie lover, but what’s so “curious” about killing hippies? We all want them dead–or at least placed in offshore penal colonies–so it’s not like Quorn is giving normal people the squirts. Why don’t you mind your own business unless of course you’re a big stinking hippie, and you want us to ship a truckload of mycoprotein brownies to your next marijuana party?
WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 14 Here’s a question: Is it culturally insensitive nowadays to call conjoined twins “Siamese Twins“? We’ve been reading a lot of news reports about the Guatemalan one-year-old girls who were joined at the head–and not one of them refers to the two as “Siamese Twins.” Not that we really care what they’re called we’re just curious. So let us know, ‘kay? ‘Kay. Doctors reported today that “the twins”–Maria Teresa and Maria de Jesus Quiej-Alvarez, who were previously joined at the top of their heads, remain in critical condition but with stable vital signs after the 22-hour operation which separated them. According to the docs, both girls are missing a section of skull roughly the size of an adult hand, and used skin grafts to cover their brains, which sounds really gross. However, they also had high hopes for a full recovery, and thanks to plastic surgery, are unlikely to need special protection for their heads. In fact, the only people unhappy about the girls’ recent operation is the advertising executives for Coors Light, who wanted to feature them on a new billboard that would read, “Here’s to Twins.”
THURSDAY, AUGUST 15 Regular readers of the Mercury news section have surely noted Vera Katz’ infatuation with all things “New York.” In fact, our own “Lady Giuliani” has happily adopted the former mayor’s draconian anti-poster ban, the sit-lie ordinance (see page 7 for the latest ridiculous details), and is even trying to shove an entirely unnecessary Central Park-style ice skating rink down our throats. Therefore, smokers should not be surprised if she picks up on the latest P.C. ordinance from the Big Apple–banning smoking from all bars, restaurants, public parks, and beaches. However, not all New York smokers are taking this news lying down (unless of course, they’re dying from emphysema). According to Page Six, Fran Lebowitz has agreed to lead the so-called “oppressed” group, and is speaking out in a very public way. For those who aren’t familiar with Fran, she’s what’s known as a “social satirist“–AKA “not funny enough to do stand-up, but witty enough to get a book deal.” Regardless, the “satirist” made a stand on NY1’s Inside City Hall where she blasted new Mayor Bloomberg’s proposals, calling them “absurd,” “childish,” “anti-urban,” “anti-democratic,” and “hypocritical.” This is what she had to say regarding the specter of second-hand smoke: “If you believe second-hand smoke kills you, you should ban cars, because what’s lethal in smoke is carbon monoxide.” Naturally City Council Minority Leader James Oddo was not amused, responding, “Putting aside my overall disdain for Fran Lebowitz, listening to her made me sick. I was waiting for her to say nicotine is not addictive and that tobacco companies never targeted kids!” Now, see? If Mayor Katz wants to be more like NYC, let’s forget the ice rinks and start making with the snappy retorts!
FRIDAY, AUGUST 16 The Oregonian reported today that the Vancouver, Washington Dodge/Mazda auto dealership accused of selling a 69-year-old mentally impaired man 18 cars in 14 months, has agreed to pay a settlement. The dealership agreed to pay $15,000 in civil penalties and $17,000 in attorney fees and to make several changes in their business practices. Like not totally fucking with a poor old schmuck who can’t remember that he already HAS a Dodge Durango. The man in question received a new car (which was, of course, all he really wanted) and all the money back he’d spent on all those other new cars, though he did have to give up his Dodge/Mazda “customer of the year” plaque.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 17 You remember Denise Rich. F.O.B. Too tan, too many sequins, too Love Boat. Bought her ex-hubby a presidential pardon. Well, apparently she has just whipped through her $200 million divorce settlement faster than the Bush twins could clean out a San Tropez cantina. Seems Denise only has $125 mill left, which may seem like a lot to YOU, but trust us, it’s practically welfare for the Upper East Side. So Denise hired herself a fortune manager, and now he’s suing her for nonpayment. Some of his big cost-saving nuggets? (Write these down.) He saved her $125,000 by cutting down the number of flower deliveries to her New York apartment when she wasn’t there; $30,000 by switching her yoga instruction to a “fee for service” arrangement, rather than by retainer; and $52,000 by giving away two old lame dogs that a hired hand had previously pushed around Central Park in an $8,000 baby carriage. All reasonable and sound financial advice, no? So why would Denise refuse to pay for it? According to the fortune manager, Denise made a pass at him, and he rebuked her. Must have thought that the price of a condom wasn’t worth it
SUNDAY, AUGUST 18 Today the 69-year-old mentally impaired man who bought 18 cars in 14 months from a Vancouver, Washington Dodge/Mazda auto dealership publicly railed against the dealership’s refusal to pay a settlement. He also expressed dismay regarding the recent theft of a valued plaque and urged anyone who came across it to call the authorities immediately.