MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 For those who were planning on jabbing a pencil into their eye if they heard one more word about American Idol well, better start sharpening that Ticonderoga #2. Regardless of the solemn anniversary that’s coming in just a couple of days, America remains in the grip of Idol fever. The latest dish is that Hollywood is planning a movie based on the reality talent show, that could possibly star winner Kelly Clarkson and the frizzy-haired loser known to most as “Sideshow Bob.” But what of the flotsam and jetsam left behind? Pudding-faced contestant R.J. Helton is in talks to secure a deal from a Christian recording label, and the slut-a-licious Ryan Starr is also speaking with a label that we can’t remember the name of right now, but they mostly handle sluts just like Ryan and Christina Aguilera. Oh! And speaking of pop tarts, grumpy judge Simon Cowell has a lot less to be grumpy about since he began banging a PORN STAR. According to the New York Post, the nasty Brit has been canoodling with professional lap-dancer and 23-year-old adult film star Georgina Law, who has whooped it up in such flicks as Ally McSqueal and The Really Naked Chef. I say, guv’ner! Meanwhile Though white-bread rapper Eminem may have garnered a multitude of booooo’s at the MTV Video Music Awards, the premiere of his new movie 8 Mile received a standing ovation at the Toronto International Film Festival. The mouthy Mr. Em stars as a “factory worker who aspires to be a rapper,” while his former canoodler-in-crime Kim Basinger portrays his alcoholic mommy. According to reports, the attending audience burst into spontaneous applause when Em defended a gay co-worker in the movie, as well as when the star engaged in a “rap showdown.” Naturally, all of this information should be taken with a half-grain of salt, since people from Toronto and film geeks are the only people dumb enough to applaud pictures flickering on a piece of muslin.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10 Only one more day until the September 11 anniversary, and oh, crud! Did you forget to raise your “terror alert” status from “code yellow” to “code orange“? Don’t worry, thanks to Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge, it’s all been taken care of. President Bush personally installed the nine-volt battery needed for Ridge to walk and talk on his own, who then mechanically marched in front of the press to explain the necessity of the color change. There were a few moments of discomfort while the press corp waited for Ridge to begin speaking, but this was quickly taken care of when Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld stepped forward and pulled the string hanging from his back. “We have no specific threat to America,” Ridge said for what seems to be the umpteenth time since last September 11th, “but we’re taking everything seriously.” Ridge was then packed away in a trunk and immediately whisked away to entertain at a bar mitzvah in Queens. Hilariously, law enforcement officials across the country actually took Ridge’s threat seriously, and went on high alert advising citizens to report any hint of suspicious activity–even in boring old Iowa. According to the gullible Lt. Kelly Willis of the Des Moines police department, “There is no such thing as a stupid phone call.” Disagreeing with this statement was Lance Chess, the receptionist for the Mercury, who claims there IS such a thing as a “stupid phone call.” “I get them every five minutes,” Chess noted from behind his desk downstairs. “But the most stupid is when they say, ‘Uh hi. Yeah. I was uhhhhhhhh wondering about that mmmmmmm review. You guys wrote. Annnnn nnnnd it was about that band? Had something to do with a squirrel? And the writing department wrote it I don’t know four weeks ago? Can you dig that up for me? The issue had a bird on the cover.'”

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11 Nothing happened today.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12 President Bush faced a particularly harrowing challenge today, when he was forced to address a group of people not paid to kiss his ass. In the cavernous main hall of the United Nations, the President stood in front of world leaders to nicely demand their help in blowing the shit out of Saddam Hussein. After reciting a laundry list of grievances against the leader of Iraq (which included a veiled reference to the assassination attempt on his father, George Sr.), he pointedly asked the body, “Will the United Nations serve the purpose of its founding, or will it be irrelevant?” He then went on to say in no uncertain terms that with or without the help of the U.N., Bush was going to have his way. “The purposes of the United States should not be doubted,” he said. “The just demands of peace and security will be met, or action will be unavoidable.” In other words, since there’s really no way for Hussein to comply with the wishes of President Bush KA-BOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!! While the leaders of the world expressed gratitude for President Bush talking to them first rather than just going ahead and incinerating the entire country of Iraq like he would prefer to do if only those sissy peace-niks would just get out of his way, many of those in attendance (and with a brain) remain skeptical.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 13 It was a memorable Friday the 13th today for three young men of Middle Eastern descent, who had a spot of bad luck that resulted in them being detained for more than 17 hours while the media hysterically posited that they were part of a terrorist plot to blow up Florida. A woman named–we kid you not–Eunice (wife of–we kid you not–Billy Ray), reported the three to the police after claiming to have overheard them discussing a terror plot at a Shoney’s restaurant. According to the New York Times, 100 officers from at least 20 agencies converged on the men on a barren stretch of highway, and the madness and full body cavity searches began. Eunice claims she overheard the men say, “if they mourn September 11, what will they think about September 13,” and “Do you think that will bring it down?” which she construed to mean, “We’re going to blow up something big today,” but which probably meant “Americans are superstitious, and I hear that cold compresses are good for fevers.” Or perhaps, the men just noticed that everyone in the place stared at them like they were terrorists, so they put on a show for them. In any case, everyone got to go on TV, which in America is equivalent to a happy ending.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14 Speaking of FLORIDA, how about that Democratic gubernatorial primary election? We know, it’s hard to believe that Florida would screw up a primary, but it seems that there’s just a tiny problem with the race to see who will run against current Florida governor Jeb Bush. The problem? They don’t know who won. Bill McBride is ahead of Janet Reno, but due to some “voting irregularities” and “uncounted ballots” the outcome is not wholly certain. In the last three days, McBride’s margin of victory has dwindled from 8000 votes to 4,677 votes. This has not stopped Mr. McBride from claiming victory, but Reno will not concede until the poll workers finish looking under tables and on the bottoms of their shoes for lost ballots. (Note to Florida poll workers: maybe there is a crack in one of your ballot boxes?)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15 The Associated Press reported today that Al Gore is talking trash about the Bush administration, jawing that Bush has failed to respect civil liberties and is letting the nation’s budget surplus slip away with flawed economic policies. “We have an attorney general who in my opinion is not respectful of civil liberties in our country,” Gore told those attending the annual Congressional Black Caucus Foundation dinner Saturday night. “I believe one of the tests of our nation is whether in times of grave challenge, we have the courage to be true to our deepest principles.” Sounds like Al’s developed some backbone, doesn’t it? But let’s take a closer look. Notice how Al modifies and therefore weakens his statements with “I believe” and “in my opinion.” This contextualization is meant to personalize his statements, but its result is an impression of lack of grit. Also notice Al’s use of the words “grave,” “principles,” and “tests.” Are there three words in the English language more likely to cause American eyes to glaze over? Al. Al. Al. Email me, sweetie. I can’t guarantee my counsel will help. But darlin’, it can’t hurt.