MONDAY, OCTOBER 7 This week J.LO was spotted eating an entire stack of pancakes–WITH BUTTER–at a posh L.A. eatery, and the two-year-old daughter of actor Jude Law accidentally ate some ecstasy she picked up off the floor at a party (she’s okay, and reportedly “loves her parents SO MUCH.”) However, the most entertaining news of the week is still nonetheless a big fat pack of lies being spread about Michael “Wacko Jacko” Jackson. According to the New York Post, Jack Gordon, ex-hubby and manager of spacey sis LaToya Jackson, is claiming to have written a book laboriously entitled, The Jackson Family: The True Story of the Most Powerful Family in the Music Industry. Though he is currently unable to find anyone in their right mind to publish the tome, his book contains the following allegations:

• Michael Jackson beats his monkey! “Michael beat [Bubbles] up a lot,” Gordon says. “I saw him punch him, kick him in the stomach. The chimp was on the ground crying. Michael used to say, ‘He doesn’t feel it. He’s a chimpanzee. I have to discipline him.'”

• Michael Jackson injects face with weird fluid! “Michael would inject himself with some kind of fluid that whitened his skin,” Gordon posits. “He would look in the mirror and say, ‘I’m getting lighter I’m getting lighter.’ And he was.”

• Michael Jackson sets monkey ablaze in bizarre backyard voodoo ritual! “I saw it,” Gordon says of an incident he claims to have witnessed in 1986. “They asked me to leave, and to never talk about it again.”

Jackson’s lawyer John Branca denies Gordon’s claims. “These are all absurd, made up, outrageous allegations,” he said. “I don’t believe that anyone will believe anything that comes out of Jack Gordon’s mouth.” And neither do we! (However, if anyone knows if Clinique makes that weird lightening fluid, please email us immediately!)

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 8 Oh, and we forgot to mention that President Bush made a speech last night, whose theme was “Let’s kill them before they kill us.” Overall it was an okay speech, but for God’s sake, will someone please tell him the word is NU-CLE-AR, not NUC-U-LAR? He said it like 27 times, and if he’s not careful, people may begin to suspect he’s an idiot. But on to more important news: The Oregonian reported today that local auto dealer Scott Thomason was involved in a fender-bending hit and run! According to witnesses on the scene last Thursday night, Thomason rear-ended a red Jeep Wrangler that was at an intersection waiting for someone to use the crosswalk. Julia C. Kelly-Echeverio was passing by and saw Thomason hop out to survey the extensive damage done to his new gold Toyota Avalon. “When he turned around and got back into his car, I realized, ‘Oh my god. It’s Scott Thomason, from the commercials!'” Julia gushed. However, excitement soon gave way to confusion when Thomason sped away from the scene. “He didn’t stop. He kept on going,” Julia said. “It’s very disappointing.” Girlfriend, we’re disappointed, too! That was the “Greatest Auto Dealer Commercial of All Time“? We enjoyed the “guerrilla cinema” aspect of Thomason destroying other cars to prove his is the best, but we’d still prefer those “Wassup!” guys any day of the week.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9 A big break occurred today in the Suburban Sniper Case. Police have been bamboozled by a random sniper who has currently killed eight people in the Washington, D.C. area. However, a local television station reported that the cops found a Tarot “Death Card” near the scene of Monday’s shooting. On the back of the card was scrawled the message, “Dear Policeman, I am God.” When questioned about His whereabouts during the sniper attack, God was noticeably nervous, smoking a cigarette and occasionally tugging at the collar of His holy shroud. “Look, I was nowhere near the place,” He said. “I think I was at a screening of Sweet Home Alabama I don’t know. What are you questioning me for, anyway? I don’t kill people with rifles! I bury villages with volcanoes and give babies cancer!” When asked why He suddenly became so defensive, God said, “HEY! I’m not defensive! You’re the one who’s defensive!”

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 10 After days of intense debate, the House and Senate passed a resolution today that would authorize the President to use a monkey with a loaded gun, if necessary, to compel Iraq to disband its nuclear weapons program. Though there was strong Democratic dissent on the measure, Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle announced his was putting aside his misgivings on supplying a monkey with a deadly weapon. “I believe it is important for America to speak with one voice,” he said. “It is neither a Democratic resolution nor a Republican resolution [to give a gun to a monkey]. It is now a statement of American resolve and values.” Sen. Edward Kennedy disagreed; “The power to [arm a monkey with a gun] is the most solemn responsibility given to Congress by the Constitution,” he said. “We must not delegate that responsibility to the president in advance.” Unsurprisingly, President Bush was thrilled by the passage. “The days of Iraq acting as an outlaw state are coming to an end,” he said, while helping Bosco, the Joint Chairman of the Armed Forces Committee, load a .38 revolver. White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer refused to speculate on whether Michael Jackson should also be worried.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 11 Five people were killed today in Hindu-Muslim rioting and police gunfire after riots broke out in India during a general strike to protest the Rev. Jerry Falwell calling the founder of Islam a terrorist. The rioters attacked each other with knives and stones during the strike called to protest what Falwell said on CBS television earlier this month. Muslim organizations said Falwell’s remarks were derogatory and blasphemous, though did not explain what protesters hoped to accomplish by attacking EACH OTHER. The conservative Baptist minister told the television network Islam’s prophet “was a violent man, a man of war. Jesus set the example for love, as did Moses.” “I think Muhammad set an opposite example.” Falwell later apologized, explaining that he had been referring to Muhammad Ali.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 12 The Associated Press reported today that a man with the environmental activist group Earth First! died this week after he fell more than 50 feet from a redwood tree. The man, who went by the forest name “Naya” (after the bottled water?), had only been in the tree for about 12 hours. Now don’t get us wrong; we adore tree sitters, and the environment, and, while we’re being honest, we even attended an Earth First! meeting once in college where we “howled like wolves” and rubbed our hands in dirt. But, hello? This is the second tree sitter to go splat this year–perhaps some quality control measures should be implemented? According to the AP, Naya came to the Earth First! camp saying he had rock climbing experience. After several hours of scrutiny, the group determined he was capable of climbing the tree and living in it. He was also given some training (how to pee in a cup) on the ground before going up. Normally, tree sitters are given two days of training (how to pee in a cup AND poop in a bag). “Santa Cruz Earth First! is deeply saddened by this tragic event. We never like to lose an activist,” said a spokesperson. “This was a young man in his first tree-sit.” This seems as if it all could be solved with a few well-placed trapeze nets, doesn’t it?

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 13 According to top Hollywood sources, the real-life Suburban Sniper attacks have prompted 20th Century Fox to consider postponing release of the thriller Phone Booth, about a man who answers a public telephone and finds himself pinned down by a faraway shooter. The film, starring Colin Farrell as the trapped victim, is set to debut nationwide Nov. 15. Apparently, the plot of the film bears some similarities to the sniper attacks on the East Coast that have killed eight people, and wounded others in the Washington area. In the real cases, a guy is shooting some people. In the film, a guy also shoots some people. In the real cases, no one is known to have seen the triggerman carry out any of the attacks, although some witnesses reported seeing a white van flee some of the shooting scenes. In the film, the shooter is ALSO a talented and evasive marksman. In the real cases, the shooter is unidentified. In the film, he is played by the actor Kiefer Sutherland. We can see why 20th Century Fox thinks we might become alarmed at the verisimilitude.