MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4
Today signaled the closing arguments for what has become an obsession here
at the One Day at a Time offices: the Winona Ryder Shoplifting Trial.
The one truly disappointing aspect of this charade was that Winona herself never
took the stand in her defense, which means we never got a close look at the bottom
half of the absolutely gorgeous Donna Karan cream-colored suit she was
wearing. In her closing statement, prosecutor Ann Rundle reminded the jury
of the Saks security videotape which showed her crouching down to cram loads of
delicate designer finery in her bag. Rundle also showed her pop culture savvy
by repeating a line from Ryder’s film Girl, Interrupted, postulating
that Ryder “may have been stealing just for the sheer thrill of seeing
if she could get away with it.” Well! Defense attorney Mark Geragos would
have none of that, and appealed to the jury’s sense of logic. “This woman [Ryder]
is known for her fashion sense,” he said in reference to the accusation
that she was snipping off security sensor tags. “Was she going to start a new
line of ‘Winona Wear’ with holes in it?” Then came the slamdunk, when he
held up one of the black rhinestone hairbows Ryder purportedly lifted.
“Can anyone see Ms. Ryder with this on top of her head?” he asked. “Does that
make any sense?” No, it doesn’t! (However, we’d wear it in a second if Winona
would autograph it for us.)
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5
But it’s not just the poor, put-upon Winona who is in dutch with the law:
today brought legal trouble for two famous wash-ups, O.J. Simpson and
singer Bobby Brown. After a bizarre shouting match between Usher
and Brown in a L.A. club last month, the decidedly sinkable Bobby Brown was
back in the news today. Early this morning, he was pulled over in a fancy-pantsy
suburb of Atlanta, speeding along in his Cadillac Escalade. When the
officer asked for Brown’s license, the former R&B superstar told the cop, “I
don’t have an ID, but I’m Bobby Brown.” Instead of the cop squealing, “Omigodyou
mean Bobby Brown of New Edition? I just love ‘Candy Girl’!”
he pulled Brown out of the car and discovered a sizable bag of marijuana in his pocket. Things did not improve for the singer of “My Prerogative,” when
the officer realized Brown had an outstanding warrant for refusing to show up
in court on a previous driving infraction. As Casey Kasem likes to say,
“The hits just keep on comin’.” Meanwhile O.J. Simpson, who is
no stranger to the courtroom, had a warrant issued for his arrest today for
the attempted murder of a flock of seacows. It seems that back on July
4, Simpson celebrated our nation’s holiday by racing his powerboat through Florida’s
Biscayne Bay, which happens to be occupied by giant, peace-loving herbivores
known as manatees. The blubbery mammals are an endangered species, and
are apparently often killed by fast-driving acquitted murderers in speedboats.
But instead of simply paying off his $65 speeding ticket, he once again pleaded innocent to the charges and was a no-show in court, spurring the judge
to issue a bench warrant for his arrest. Unfortunately for celebrity-watchers,
the judge will still allow Simpson to pay his fine, robbing us of a lengthy
trial and gems of wisdom from lawyer Johnny Cochran, like, “If the race
boat don’t fly, the sea-cow didn’t die.”
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6
Whenever President Bush succeeds, we die a little inside. As a result
of yesterday’s elections, the Republicans took control of the Senate, taking
51 seats vs. the Democrats’ 48. In the House, Republicans also retained control,
gaining four seats. Unsurprisingly, the fat, cigar-chewing Republicans were
gloating like the fat, cigar-chewing pricks they are. “I’m excited to
be able to be on offense,” said Republican Sen. Trent Lott, who is known
for being mercilessly picked on by that sadistic monster, Sen. Joseph Lieberman.
Many attribute the Republican win to two factors: 1) President Bush ignoring
the war on terrorism and his job as President by campaigning and raising
$140 million for GOP contenders, and 2) The Democrats are dumbshits.
“There wasn’t any unified message,” said David Worley, a former Georgia
Democratic party chairman. “I think the national leadership did a miserable
job of giving a theme to the election.” Perhaps they could’ve taken a tip from
one of the few Democratic winners, Governor-elect Ted Kulongoski of Oregon.
From what we could tell, the only reason he got elected was because he’s a
good bowler. And OMIGOD! Winona Ryder was found guilty?!? This
is the worst day EVER!
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7
The world remained stunned today after the shocking news of Winona Ryder being found guilty of shoplifting. Though she was cleared of the charge
of burglary, the jury returned with a resounding “yes” on her other two charges
of felony grand theft and vandalism (for allegedly snipping the
security sensors off certain items). Apparently in an attempt to prove she isn’t
a total asshole, prosecuting attorney Ann Rundle says she will not recommend
jail time for the doe-eyed actress, preferring Ryder to pay for her crime against
humanity through probation, community service, counseling and paying
restitution to Saks. Naturally, this begs the question of why this case wasn’t
simply settled out of court, instead of being dragged kicking and screaming
into the limelight and through the pages of One Day at a Time. A study
performed by the TV show Celebrity Justice of similar cases proved that
of 17 incidents last year, only Ryder was charged with grand theft and
burglary. According to an unnamed prosecutor in the D.A.’s office, “This was
all designed to show we can win high-profile cases.” He also went on
to call the trial “a witch hunt.” Okay, we all know Ryder starred in
The Scarlet Letter, but can we please stop calling her a “witch”?
The poor girl has suffered enough! AND SO HAVE WE!
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8
It’s not enough that the Republicans have to take control of the Senate–now
they’re talking more shit than a Saks’ security guard. The New York
Times reported today that the GOP has got it good for James M. Jeffords,
the senator from Vermont who cost the Republicans control of the Senate last
year when he left the party to become an independent. Now that
the Republicans are cocks (of the walk), both parties say that Jeffords is itchin’
for a lickin’. “We’re going Mel Gibson on his ass,” said one Republican
aide. “We’re going to make that pansy traitor wish he’d never been born.”
At a press conference at the White House, a spokesperson announced they were
going to pass a U.N. Resolution to “shoot James Jeffords in the head.”
The White House expected broad international support. In a phone call with the
Times, Senator Jeffords said he was not expecting retribution. “The Senate’s
a pretty collegial group,” he said, crying.
SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9
Another sign of the apocalypse: McDonald’s Corp. again lowered its earnings
forecast for the year and announced it is pulling out of three countries and
closing restaurants in about 10 other nations as part of a restructuring
aimed at ensuring its continued mission to keep the bewildered herd fat and
idle. (We can report with some degree of certainty that the United States
is NOT one of the countries the fast-food chain will be pulling out of.) We
know. It is very, very upsetting. The fast-food giant also plans to restructure
operations in four nations and eliminate up to 600 jobs in order to control
costs and reallocate its resources. We hope that you are not fired. But if you
are, maybe you can get a job hunting down and killing James Jeffords.
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10
The Associated Press reported today that a surge in American Indian voter
turnout helped make the difference in the Senate race in South Dakota and
the governor’s contest in Oklahoma. (These are both states to the east of here.)
It was a show of strength for a group that has rarely gone to the polls in large
numbers and has not been much of a political force since the Battle of Little
Big Horn. According to the 2000 Census, Indians make up just 1.5 percent
of the population (including Burt Reynolds, Sacheen Littlefeather
and Leonard Peltier), but they tend to be concentrated in compounds–called
reservations–where they have been forced to live, thanks to mean white people.
That means their votes can decide close elections, especially because Indians
have historically voted Democratic. The GOP has responded by trying to woo the
Native American vote with a gift of smallpox-infected blankets and six
cases of Wild Turkey.