MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11
First things first: We here at One Day would like to make a public
apology for last week’s column in which we erroneously stated that Winona
Ryder starred in The Scarlet Letter. In actuality, that was Demi
Moore, and to insult our favorite shoplifter by putting her anywhere near
the vicinity of that hag from St. Elmo’s Fire is practically unforgivable.
Poor Winona has been through enough, and we certainly never meant to pour any
salt into the wound she incurred while snipping off security sensors at Saks.
Duly chastened, we now move on to a feature we like to call “Your Favorite
Celebrities–DRUNK!” One of our favorite tubby Dawson’s Creek stars,
Joshua Jackson (who plays Pacey) got stinko on the drinko this week
and landed in the pokey. The celeb was attending a Carolina Hurricanes hockey
game in Raleigh, North Carolina, tipped up his cup a few times too many, and for
reasons unknown, attacked ice rink security guard Drew Grissom.
Perhaps Mr. Grissom noted that Joshua was tubby and played a character with a
feminine name. We do not know. Regardless, Joshua was arrested and sat on his
voluminous tub in the county jail until he posted a $1000 bond. For those who
care, Joshua will continue to play the rotund, feminine Pacey throughout the sixth
season of Dawson’s Creek. Meanwhile It’s official. Russell Crowe is the worst fighter in the world. The star of Gladiator has ONCE AGAIN
been caught duking it out in a common barroom brawl. This time it was with
wealthy New Zealand businessman Eric Watson, who apparently stole Crowe’s
girl a year back. The two gave each other the stink eye for awhile, until they
retired to the bathroom to wrestle around on the floor for a bit. As in
Crowe’s last four fights, he got the worst of it, suffering a scratched eye and
bruises to the face. Don’t be surprised to see Crowe on the next edition of FOX’s
Celebrity Boxing, getting a good pounding from Screech of Saved
by the Bell.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12
If it’s Tuesday, then that means Arabic al-Jazeera television network must be broadcasting another tape of Osama bin Laden shit-talking the
United States. In the tape, the person believed to be bin Laden claimed responsibility
for the bombings in Bali, the deaths of a U.S. Marine and senior administrator
of the International Development Agency, the Chechen rebel attack on a Moscow
theater last month, and the continued delay of bringing a Krispy Kreme to Portland. You can hear the next laugh-filled episode of Oh, Osama! next Tuesday on the al-Jazeera network, immediately following a repeat of Seinfeld.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13
And speaking of shit-talking, Iraq accepted the tough new U.N. resolution which will force the country to disarm and allow weapons inspectors to poke
around on palace grounds–but they don’t like it one little bit! Iraqi
Foreign Minister Naji Sabri submitted a nine-page letter accepting the
terms, which included a denial that Iraq has any weapons of mass destruction,
and everybody who agrees with America are big, dumb jerks. The document
noted that “the lies and manipulations of the American administration and the
British government will be exposed, while the world will see how truthful
and adequate the Iraqis are in what they say and do.” (This is starting
to sound a lot like the breakup letter Jimmy Henderson sent us back in
our sophomore year of college.) The letter continues: “[Iraq will] drive away
the cawing of the crows of evil that daily raid its land.” This last
section refers to the newest Department of Defense strategy, which is to send
Saddam Hussein a mixed tape of really annoying music that includes among
others, the Counting Crows. (Which is the same thing Jimmy Henderson
did to us!)

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14
Though it’s certainly no Winonagate, self-proclaimed “King of Pop” Michael
Jackson has been in court this week, defending himself against charges he
ducked out on four concert dates that cost the show’s promoter millions. Yes,
this is extremely uninteresting. However, gasps were heard around the
globe when Jackson took the stand to testify, removed his surgical mask,
and exposed what we believe used to be his face for the court. It is
almost impossible to describe, though it did slightly resemble the decomposing
pumpkin that has been sitting on the Mercury‘s porch for the last
seven weeks. And speaking of “someone that children should never play with,”
actor Jeffrey Jones was busted today on child pornography charges.
You will, of course, remember Jones for his portrayal of principal Ed Rooney in the 1986 classic Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, in which he stared straight
at the camera and screamed, “Buuuuuuue-LLER!!” And though he might’ve
hated teens in the movie, according to the LAPD, he actually loves them–we
mean really loves them. LAPD spokesman Don Cox said that back
in November, an unidentified teenager claimed that Jones used him for “alleged
criminal acts of a sexual nature.” After an extensive investigation, a warrant
was issued for his arrest, and Jones surrendered to police today. He has been
charged with “using a minor for prohibitive acts” and possession of child
pornography. According to the Los Angeles Times, the pornography in question
is a dirty home video starring the unidentified teen. Jones’ attorney, Jeff
Brody, told the paper, “This is all about photos. There’s not allegations
of any touching or any improper acts with a minor. This will be resolved
very quickly so he can get on with his life and get back to work.” You can see
Jones’ upcoming work in a film of his own making entitled Ferris Bueller
Jerks Off.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15
The New York Times reported today that Miss Cleo’s psychic hotline has agreed to forgive $500 million in customer bills to settle a federal lawsuit accusing them of fleecing callers by using phone operators who WEREN’T REALLY PSYCHIC. (That’s one bill we’re glad we didn’t ever pay.)

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16
According to The Associated Press, an Elvis Presley hairball sold at auction today for $115,120. The bidder was anonymous. The only surprising aspect of the exchange is that it did not occur on eBay, but rather on the lesser known and more poorly named internet auction house, MastroNet Inc. Bidding started at $10,000. Thirty-two bids were placed (14 of them by Wm. Steven Humphrey). A catalog from the auction explained that a hair sample from a favorite celebrity gives a fan “an association much more personal than that of a simple autograph.” It also allows for voodoo ceremonies, DNA paternity tests, and cloning. The Elvis hairball was collected by his former hairstylist, Homer “Mr. Gill” Gilleland. He kept the hair in a plastic bag and finally gave the bag-o-hair to a friend who, after saying, “Ewwww,” immediately sold it.

SUNDAY, NOVEBER 17
The New York Times reported today that the first thorough examination of
President John F. Kennedy’s medical records has found that JFK was higher
than Robert Downey, Jr. the whole time he was in office. In a rigorous
“treatment regimen” for his bad back, persistent digestive problems and Addison’s
disease, Kennedy took as many as eight medications a day, including painkillers, anti-anxiety agents, stimulants, sleeping pills, and hormones. For the benefit
of our future biographers, we have decided to release some private medical
data of our own. In 1997, during a routine dental examination, we were diagnosed
with halitosis. Mouthwash and flossing were prescribed. As well as Nembutal
and Prozac. This treatment regimen has proven very effective, and we are currently
symptom-free. In 2001, during another routine examination, we were diagnosed
with inflamed hemorrhoids. Preparation H was prescribed. As well as Vaseline
and Valium. We are please to announce that we are in COMPLETE REMISSION.
We will report all future medical conditions faithfully, and in full detail,
in this column from this point forward.

Got a valium?

Email ann@portlandmercury.com