MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18
The LA Times-Washington Post Service reported today that a secretive appeals
court has cleared the way for the Justice Department to use broad new authority
to place wiretaps in your light sockets, listen in on your late-night drunken
calls, read your personal work emails, infiltrate your D&D games (That’s
no barbarian–that’s a G-man!) and basically spy on you in any way they see fit.
This is all under the guise of surveillance of terrorism–like wiretapping Dr.
Martin Luther King, Jr. was under the guise of surveillance of communism. Want
to know what’s really icky? It’s called the USA Patriot Act. Don’t get
us wrong. We’re against terrorism like we’re against hanging cuticles, Fendi knock-offs,
and Ben Affleck’s career, but giving Ashcroft the power to listen in while
we go to town with our Hello Kitty vibrator is just wrong. After you’re mysteriously
busted for a speck of marijuana (The sunglasses holder? How could they have known?)
while sailing along on a highway in your Hummer H2, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19
According to The Oregonian, opening arguments began today in the class-action
suit accusing Wal-Mart Stores Inc. for violating federal and state wage laws
brought by more than 400 wage slaves from 24 of Wal-Mart’s 27 Oregon
stores. The wage slaves claim that Wal-Mart forced them to work extra hours
without pay. Personally, if we worked at Wal-Mart, we would sue to require them
to stock some better labels, like Marc Jacobs and Helmut Lang. Our dermatologist
won’t even let us near a poly blend, much less let us handle it. But then if
we worked at Wal-Mart they’d have a raw food deli, flattering lighting and offer
a complimentary brow wax with every Korean stereo system purchase. However,
we do not work at Wal-Mart. (We’ve heard that they don’t pay you for overtime!)
The Wal-Mart wage slaves are asking for back pay, which attorneys say could
total several million dollars. The plaintiffs hope to use their settlement
to open a small, independent boutique.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20
We admit it. The West Wing was over, we had read the current issue of
Vogue (featuring article number 89,000 of raggedy old Halle Berry), so
we watched the last hour of the season finale of The Bachelor. As even
the Masai must know by now, Aaron Buerge dumped Brooke Smith and asked
Helene Eksterowicz to marry him. All of our blonde friends were appalled.
How could he choose Helene over Brooke? It makes no sense. It is implausible.
As Brooke mused in the Loser Limo as she was whisked out of the TV limelight
and back to the University of Alabama, “Why didn’t he know I was the
one for him?” Is this some sort of backlash? our blonde friends wondered. Are
we, too, in danger of public humiliation and rejection? Has there been some
sort of cultural shift away from platinum???! Helene??! She does not have a
highlight on her brunette head! Several blonde women we know are considering
low-lights, and STAT. Is this all a plot by Clairol? Is Aaron colorblind? The
mind reels.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21
Michael Jackson dangled his smallest child off a Berlin hotel balcony today.
Oh, wait. Did we say dangled? It was more of a hang. No. A suspension.
He merely suspended the child above the crowd. Off a fourth-floor balcony. The
child was masked with a white hood. Did we say masked? No. It was more a concealment
cloak. A soft white cloth. A disguise, for the child’s protection. From
danger. Surprised by the crowd’s aghast reaction –A dangling child! A white
hood!–the “pop artist of the millennium” apologized for his “terrible mistake.”
The dangling. Not the pedophilia. Or maybe he was referring to the fact
that he’d named the child “Prince Michael Jackson,” which also happens to be
the name of his eldest child. It is SO hard to keep track of details when one
is distracted by pathological self-mutilation, isn’t it?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22
Dressed in a sensible pleated skirt, a white shirt, a navy blue cardigan, a
jaunty red-and-white silk kerchief, and riding boots, England’s Princess Margaret
went to court today on behalf of her dog Dotty. Dotty, an English Bull
Terrier, was on trial for her life after attacking two urchins on bicycles in
the park around Windsor Castle. The incident occurred on April 1, two days after
the death of the Queen mum, a tragedy that most certainly left Dotty in a state
of extreme agitation. (And weren’t we ALL devastated?) In the end the court
took mercy on Dot, after Princess Anne pleaded guilty to charges of “losing
control of her dog” and agreed to enroll Dotty in finishing school. The
last senior royal to be convicted of a crime was Charles I, who was beheaded
on the eve of the civil war in 1649. The punishment in this case is a small
fine.

The punishment when caught with marijuana in your car, however, is a misdemeanor and possible jail time; in addition, your right to ever buy a hydroponic lamp again is revoked for life. This is what the two sexiest Blazers, Damon Stoudamire and Rasheed Wallace, will face for their alleged pot possession. According to the Oregonian, the NBA hotties were speeding along I-5 in the least conspicuous vehicle imaginable, a bright, banana-yellow Hummer H2 driven by 43-year-old Edward Smith—when a highway patrolman pulled them over. He smelled pot in the car, charged them with possession, and yet another scar was added to the Blazers’ image–what the Oregonian sternly calls one of “ill-behaving, even law-breaking hooligans.” Now, while One Day does not condone hooliganery AT ALL if it is ill-behaved, behaved hooliganery is just fine. And frankly, we think it’s quite well mannered that Damon and Rasheed were sharing the cheeba with their old friend Ed. It exhibits a level of humanitarianism we could all learn from. One Day hopes with all our heart that if we ever see Damon or Sheed at a party or driving very fast in a fire-engine red PT Cruiser, the cutest of all the Blazers will be so polite as to share their chronic with us, too.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23
We are pleased to report that gossip tabloids are predicting that Aaron and
Helene will get married about the time we give up our white silk Manalo Blahniks
with the rhinestone buckles. (We’ve made a provision that when we get slid into
the crematorium, the Manalos go with us.) It turns out that while the
two were quick to get engaged, they think that living in the same city would
be rushing it. Helene still lives in New Jersey and says that she would “have
to feel really strong about our relationship to be able to go to Springfield,”
where Aaron lives, and which is in the middle of (shudder) Missouri.
Aaron, who insists that he loves Helene, remains optimistic about their blissful
future together. Helene remains reticent. Sources tell us that Helene is angry
at Aaron because he asked her to lighten her hair. (“Just one blonde streak,”
he pleaded.) Didn’t we tell you it was a fluke, ladies?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24
The Associated Press reported today that based on the fact that Osama bin
Laden’s last communication was an audiotape, rather than a videotape, U.S.
counter-terrorism officials are almost certain that he has had a Glamour makeover. Word is he’s shaved the beard, grown a short ‘fro, lost weight through
yoga, and given up the turban and camouflage. (We think we may have spotted
him at the Blackbird last weekend.) Osama’s new look is said to be creating
such a buzz in Yemen that he is considering giving up the mass murder gig to
pursue his real passion–to be a pop Svengali. Rumor has it he’s already sent
several boxes of falafel mix and a burka in an attempt to woo Avril Lavigne from her current label. Luckily Ms. Lavigne has not heard of The Middle East
or Osama bin Laden (isn’t he in Blink 182?) and did not respond to Osama’s
fan letters.