MONDAY, MARCH 17

Today President Bush came on television to tell his arch-nemesis Saddam Hussein it was time to poop or get off the pot. After months of valiantly struggling to end this stand-off diplomatically (Hey! Stop that snickering!), Bush gave Hussein the mother of all ultimatums: The Iraqi dictator was given 48 hours to get out of Baghdad. Thanks to some quick-moving aides, the cameras were cut off before they could show the President yelling “Yeeee-HAW!” and shooting his finger guns in the air. Meanwhile A North Carolina tobacco farmer, 50-year-old Dwight Watson, decided to express his anger with the government in a particularly bizarre way. After parking his flag-covered tractor in the shallow pond on the Washington, D.C. Mall, Watson told police his ride was wired with explosives. “I don’t give a damn no more,” Watson yelled in that quaint “Green Acres-style” verbiage that’s become so popular with the oppressed hillbilly set. “If this is the way America will be run, the hell with it. I’m out of here. I will not surrender. They can blow my ass out of the water. I’m ready to go to heaven.” Two days later Watson got tired of sitting on his tractor and surrendered to police. The most unfortunate part of this story is that this extremely successful protest (at least media-wise) wasn’t about the war against Iraq; Watson was pissed about tobacco farmers being forced out of work by “unfair government policies.” Meanwhile millions of anti-war protesters continue to employ the time-worn, tie-dyed slogans and marches of yesteryear with absolutely no effect. Maybe if John Lennon were alive today he’d change his flower-power anthem to “All we are saying/ is give tractors a chance.”

TUESDAY, MARCH 18

Horror struck Hollywood today when it was announced that Jennifer Lopez accidentally dropped her $1.5 million diamond engagement ring down a sink! According to IMDB.com, the bootyrageous Ms. LO was dining at the fancypants Tinseltown eatery The Ivy “when disaster struck.” After retiring to the little girls’ room (presumably to powder that terminally shiny forehead), “Jenny with the Rock” removed her six-carat pink diamond ring in order to wash her claws we mean, hands. Suddenly, before one could say, “Jennifer Lopez is crazy if she thinks that sham of a marriage to Ben Affleck will ever work out,” the pricey, encrusted jewel toppled into the sink and down the drain! According to a witness on the scene, Lopez bellowed like a stuck buffalo, screaming “Oh my god! Somebody help me this is an emergency!” The quick-witted waitstaff leapt into action, and called a plumber to the scene. After several harrowing minutes, the pipes were removed and unfortunately, the ring was recovered unharmed. To make matters worse, Lopez then went on to describe a beautiful scenario in which she had lost the ring. “Ben would have killed me,” she noted. “And I would’ve probably killed myself, too.” Sigghhh. Maybe next time.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 19

Time has run out, and today two old adversaries finally met on the field of war. That’s right, hotel heiress Paris Hilton and former 90210 star Shannen Doherty allegedly engaged in what many military analysts are calling “The Mother of All Catfights.” The two have reportedly hated each other for some time now due to rumors that Hilton has been seeing Doherty’s soon-to-be ex-hubby on the sly. However, the New York Post is saying the two duked it out at the Deluxe, a hoity-toity L.A. bar. Hilton described the incident with her usual genteel restraint: “Shannen is psycho! She grabbed my arm and my face and I have scratches and bruises! She screamed ‘you motherfucker! Stay away from my husband!'” Hilton went on to deny any involvement with Doherty’s “husband” and then claimed Doherty assaulted her car with eggs, Vaseline, and red lipstick. “I’m going to get a restraining order,” the party-hearty heiress stated. “She is crazy!” Doherty’s rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, did her best to deny the charges. “This is completely ridiculous,” she laughed. “The two did have a conversation. Shannen didn’t touch her, didn’t egg her car or write profanities in red lipstick.” And like in the final moments of an episode of Murder, She Wrote, Zelnik threw down this overwhelming piece of evidentiary proof. “Shannen doesn’t wear red lipstick.” Also today George Bush declared war on Iraq.

THURSDAY, MARCH 20

Today marked the first official day of “Operation Iraqi Freedom” or as confused rednecks are calling it, “Operation Iraqi French.” But perhaps no one was more surprised by the name of this operation than the Iraqi people themselves, who hilariously misinterpreted the bombs falling on their heads as an attempt to “kill” them rather than “liberate” them. And while reporters on all major news networks were visibly disappointed when the U.S. fired only a few introductory missiles instead of the all-out barrage they had promised, the apparent intent was to kill Saddam Hussein and be home in time for dinner. As of today, it’s unsure whether the bombing worked, because Hussein appeared shortly afterward in a previously taped speech looking like crap. Excerpts of the speech include, “May you be accursed and may your actions fail,” blah, blah, blah, “God is greater, may the debased ones be accursed,” blah, blah, blah, and “The criminal little Bush has committed a crime against humanity,” blah, blah, BLAH. One source who knows the dictator actually hoped the speech was given by one of his doubles, because as he put it, “Did you see those baggy eyes? He looks like he’s really let himself go.”

FRIDAY, MARCH 21

In the context of these crazy times, we wanted to offer you a patriotic story. According to sources in Wisconsin, Don Gorske has just eaten his 19,000th Big Mac. Gorske, an obsessive-compulsive loser, eats two Big Macs per day and drinks mostly Coke. He then records his intake in a little notebook he carries with him everywhere. Recently, Gorske branched out and had a piece of pizza, but it “just wasn’t the same.” McDonald’s recently sited Gorske as an example of how normal healthy people can subsist on fat and cholesterol in a lawsuit claiming its food makes people fat. They probably won’t be using him as an example in the lawsuit claiming that eating McDonald’s food causes mental illness.

SATURAY, MARCH 22

One day after so-called “A-Day,” Operation Iraqi French continued in earnest as America’s number one A-hole gave the order to bomb the shit out of A-list targets in Baghdad, several of which are said to be A-frames. This was the “shock and awe” campaign CNN had been promising for several days, or more aptly, the “shock and aw crap here we go again” campaign. Iraqis also began fighting back today because, well, we’re invading their country. There were a lot of explosions on TV; but, thank goodness, no A-bombs. It was fun, but after a while we got tired of watching the video phone coverage and went out and charged an A-one A-line on our Amex.

SUNDAY, MARCH 23

The Oscars were today, and we went on with our annual glam-puss Oscar party because, dammit, if you let the evil-doers of the world change your behavior, then the President has already won. Also, our hubby Kip refuses to give up any opportunity to put out a plate of all-beef chub cylindrical meat. And what restraint the stars showed in light of current events! Queen Latifah only wore $4 million worth of Harry Winston, and didn’t Renée Zellweger look chaste as a doughnut dolly in her claret-red Carolina Herrera cutout dress with plunging back? As promised, there was “no red carpet,” except that there WAS a red carpet AND a red carpet walk, which we guess means that “no red carpet” is a metaphor. In any case, many actresses took the courageous and sensitive step of NOT WEARING NECKLACES in order to avoid being perceived as over-decadent. We found this beautiful gesture so provoking that we are going to start a NO NECKLACES campaign to show support for our troops. If you care about America, DO NOT WEAR A NECKLACE. People who wear necklaces at times of war are insensitive bastards and probably French.