MONDAY, JUNE 23

Sniff. Sniff. Do you smell something burning? Yes you do, and it’s called RED HOT LOVE! Seems like everybody in Tinsel Town has finally decided to reveal their secret loves to the world. For example Hot popper Justin Timberlake and Charlie’s angelic Cameron Diaz are the new item du jour, and while they’ve been keeping their canoodling largely under wraps, they plan to strut their “couple stuff” for the first time publicly at next month’s Berlin Love Parade! (Boy, those guys have come a long way since Adolph Hitler, huh?) Also! It seems Pamela Anderson has been heeding the pleas of One Day at a Time by dumping Kid Rock, forgetting Tommy Lee forever, and hooking up with oh, god. NO! Limp Bizkit’s pudgy frontman Fred Durst?!? He’s got Britney cooties! Plus! Speaking of the gab-worthy Britney Spears, she just announced her latest love affair–with DRUGS AND ALCOHOL. In a practically unheard-of splurge of honesty, Britney admitted to the Star tabloid that she has used drugs in the past and likes to engage in the occasional tipple of liquor. Back in March the tab reported she had been caught in the act of making some cocaine disappear off the back of a nightclub toilet, but Brit now labels acts like these as passing “curiosities” and youthful “mistakes.” And all those reports of her getting blitzed out of her gourd? Exaggerations! “Seriously, I haven’t gone out in weeks,” Britney hiccuped. “And after two drinks I’m ready to go. My favorite drinks are Malibu pineapple and Amaretto sours.” UGGH!! That affair with disgusting Fred Durst is all starting to make sense!

TUESDAY, JUNE 24

According to Republican organizers in California, Democratic Governor Gray Davis can kiss his patootie goodbye thanks to a recall vote the GOPers are trying to get on the November ballot. Apparently, angry Republicans are fed up with the state’s plummeting economy, and plan to solve the problem by giving Gray the old heave-ho. So who would the Repubs like to replace the Gov with if the recall goes down? Well, they’re not saying exactly but okay, it’s ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER! According to political scribe Mark Baldassare, the write-in vote “certainly favors anybody who starts out from the perspective of being well-known and having the resources to put into a campaign that will evolve very quickly. That certainly includes a Schwarzenegger.” Put more simply, the Republicans want someone who’s pumped full of steroids, can kill robots, and is the son of a Nazi officer. That certainly includes a Schwarzenegger.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25

According to today’s E! News Daily, the crown prince of cracker rap, Eminem, dangled a plastic baby doll out of his hotel window while wearing a surgical mask–a joking tip of the hat to Michael Jackson. Last fall, the self-proclaimed “King of Pop” dangled his son Prince Michael II (aka Blanket) out of his hotel room to the dismay of fans four stories below. Jackson has since insisted the kid was perfectly safe and his intent was to show off “Blanket’s spirit.” (Yeah, tell that to the kid’s therapist 20 years from now.) Anyway, everybody thought what Eminem did was pretty funny. However It was somewhat less funny when Eminem presented an English fan with a diamond-encrusted necklace that he claimed was worth a Queen’s ransom–but in actuality sells for only a pittance. At Sunday night’s concert in England’s Milton Keynes, Em whipped off his jeweled finery, and announced, “This [necklace] is worth $450,000 and I’m going to give it to some pretty lady in the audience.” The pretty lady in question received the offering in the spirit in which it was given (that is to say, she passed out cold and was carried off by security to the loo–or whatever it is the Brits are calling the bathroom these days). However, today it was announced the lucky lady is in for a rude awakening: The princely necklace is actually only worth 800 bucks, or in EU monetary units, a tin of marmalade, a jaunt in a lorry, and maybe a quick snog with soon-to-be-ousted Tony Blair. Pity that, wot? Cheerio!

THURSDAY, JUNE 26

Hip, hip, hooray, it was a banner day for the gays when the Supreme Court finally gave the okay for homosexuals to do the sucky-sucky, the licky-lickyand we can’t really think of a cutesy term for anal sex–but you get the picture. In a 6-3 ruling the Court struck down a ban on “deviate sex acts” that were on the books in 13 states. The matter came before the justices when a Texas woman with a grudge against her gay neighbors told police that a man was “going crazy” next door. When police burst into the apartment, they discovered two men doing the aforementioned sucky-sucky, licky-licky and arrested them both. According to Justice Anthony M. Kennedy, the two men “are entitled to respect for their private lives. The state cannot demean their existence or control their destiny by making their private sexual conduct a crime.” Naturally, three of the usual dickhead judges disagreed with this sentiment claiming the court had been co-opted by the “so-called homosexual agenda.” Nevertheless, “licky-licky and sucky-sucky” can now be legally added to this agenda, joining such standbys as imitating Bette Midler, watching episodes of Trading Spaces, and scoffing at pleated pants.

FRIDAY, JUNE 27

We’d like to take this opportunity to welcome a very special new member of the International Gossip Columnist Society, U.S. Division. Yes, Lizzie Grubman, the too-tan publicist who backed her daddy’s SUV into a crowd of Hamptons club rats two years ago, has decided to use her powers for good! Grubman plans to begin her new job as a gossip and entertainment reporter for radio station WNEW-FM, “102.7 Blink.” Never heard of it? Neither have we! Her first report will be on the drunken revelry in the Hamptons over the Fourth of July weekend. Grubman, whose company promoted singer Britney Spears, rapper Jay-Z, and the Backstreet Boys, served 37 days in jail after pleading guilty to assault and leaving the scene of the July 7, 2001 crash outside the Conscience Point Inn which injured at least 16 people. “So many people were involved, and you know, it breaks my heart every single day,” Grubman said. “I still think about it, and it’ll never go away.” Oh, that is SO sweet. Messages left by the Associated Press for Grubman’s lawyer, Stephen Scaring, and Infinity Broadcasting, which operates WNEW, were not immediately returned. Nor were several prank calls.

SATURDAY, JUNE 28

This just in: Fred Durst was seen EATING LUNCH with skanky, eye-liner hog and Ashton-ex Brittany Murphy! Durst, who eats lunch with LOTS of young actresses, is now stuck between a rock (Pamela Anderson) and a hard place (B.M.). Who will he have DINNER with? The surgically enhanced Playmate, or the skinny nympho starlet? Will he rather mix his seed with Kid Rock, or Eminem? Tommy Lee, or Ashton Kutcher? As everyone who has seen the Tommy and Pamela home pornos knows, Tommy Lee has an ENORMOUS penis. Will this impact Fred’s decision? How big is Fred Durst’s penis? Is it HUGE like a restaurant pepper mill? Or short like a saltshaker? Kid Rock? ALSO reputedly well endowed. How does Fred’s penis compare? How will he know, without reviewing thousands of penises, where he fits into the cosmic penis scheme of things? Help Fred decide! Take a photograph of YOUR penis and mail it directly to Fred Durst, c/o TRL, MTV, NY, NY.

SUNDAY, JUNE 29

Senate majority leader Bill Frist, THIRD IN LINE TO THE PRESIDENCY, said today that he supports a proposed constitutional amendment to ban homosexual marriage in the United States. Frist is worried that the Supreme Court’s “licky-licky and sucky-sucky” decision threatens to make the American home a place where “criminality is condoned.” Asked whether he supported an amendment that would ban any marriage in the United States except a union of a man and a woman, Frist said (and we paraphrase), “HELL, YES, THEM FUDGE PACKERS DESERVE TO DIE!” Same-sex marriages are legal in Belgium and the Netherlands, where people are free to do what they want as long as it doesn’t involve gnomes. Canada announced two weeks ago that it would enact similar legislation soon. Yes, Canada is now officially hipper than we are. (We could just die.)