MONDAY, JULY 28 According to recent demographic surveys, One Day at a Time is lagging a bit in the “urban adult” markets. That’s why we’ve come up with a new feature called Oh, No You Didn’t! It goes something like this: The rather sensitive feelings of pop star Justin Timberlake were damaged this week when he was pelted with bottles and garbage thrown by the crowd at a Rolling Stones concert. According to PeopleNews, Justin was opening for the crusty rockers at a SARS benefit in Toronto, when a non-fan leapt on to the stage and held up a large sign that shall we say questioned Justin’s sexuality. The man and the sign were then projected up on the huge video screen behind the singer, leading the dissatisfied crowd to bonk poor Justie on the head with all manner of trash (which probably included canes and walkers. Well it was a Stones concert). Anyway, it’s enough to make us reply Oh, No You Didn’t! We happen to LOVE Justin Timberlake who we’re sure was only there as a favor to you rotten Canadians. And this is how you repay him? You people had best remember whom you’re dealing with! Remember, we bombed Iraq for just looking at us funny! MEANWHILE! It looks like splitsville for Hollywood’s most genetically altered couple, Liza Minnelli and David Gest. Apparently there’s been trouble in wacko-town for quite awhile, and David vows the upcoming court battle “is going to get ugly.” And believe us this is a guy who knows ugly! [Insert rim shot here.] According to the Sun tabloid, the straw that broke the Cabaret star’s back was when David appeared on the British talk show So Graham Norton, and said Liza had become “hugely fat” during a recent debilitating illness to which we reply Oh, No You Didn’t! Looky here, freak. Nobody calls “Liza with a Z” fat. Besides, shouldn’t you be off somewhere being GAY? Snap, snap, and double SNAP. (Now if we can only get that “head rocking” movement down)
TUESDAY, JULY 29 We don’t know exactly when it happened, but J.LO and B.AFF(leck) are officially Hollywood’s new pariahs. After their embarrassing turn in the movie Gigli (in which mobster Affleck de-lesbianizes LO), it seems the kid gloves are off, and the tabloids are lining up to take the couple down. This week The National Enquirer came out with a nasty little tale about B.AFF doing some heavy-duty canoodling with a gaggle of strippers inside an exotic club and later in the home of party-pal Christian Slater. Their spies go on to claim that J.LO’s betrothed was passing out several dollar bills to the dancers, telling them, “Keep this quiet. Keep this just between us.” Apparently silence is going for more than just three bucks these days. Regardless, B.AFF’s lawyers are reportedly furious, calling the accusations “absolute garbage” and hinting heavily about taking legal action against the tabloid. True or not, B.AFF better move ASAP or face a P.O’d J.LO, PDQ. (Just FYI, BTW.)
WEDNESDAY, JULY 30 The gays were on the tips of everyone’s tongues today, and especially President Bush. In one of his extremely rare news conferences, Bush fielded questions about gay marriages, and surprisingly he’s against ’em! “I think it is very important for our society to respect each individual, to welcome those with good hearts, to be a welcoming country,” Bush said right before his halo turned into horns. “ON THE OTHER HAND,” he continued, “that does not mean that somebody like me [a war-crazy homophobe?] needs to compromise on an issue such as marriage. [Cue violins.] I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman, and I think we ought to codify that one way or the other.” Honey, according to all the gay men we know? They’re more than ready to do some codifyin’. [Insert rim shot.] Meanwhile! It was announced today that a new publicly run high school will be opening in New York’s Greenwich Village that will cater exclusively to gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender mmm, that’s all of them, right? students. The city is spending $3.2 million to expand the already-existing Harvey Milk School (named after the assassinated gay San Fran politician) in order to take upwards of 100 students. The decision was universally hailed except, of course, in those regions of the universe where Republicans choose to live, and who are calling the expansion a waste of tax dollars. C’mon fellas, show a little heart! The High School for Performing Arts (where they shot Fame) can only take so many kids!
THURSDAY, JULY 31 Today Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld announced that maybe allowing a system where investors are allowed to wager on the probability of terrorist attacks isn’t such a great idea. The hair-brained scheme was thought up by the Pentagon’s Adm. John Poindexter (yes, the same one convicted in the ’80s during the Iran-Contra scandal sigh). Called the Policy Analysis Market, it would allow anonymous traders to bet money on when politically motivated attacks might take place. The government would, in turn, use this information to predict potential threats and “terrorism trends.” Rumsfeld killed the plan (after an uproar from House Democrats) not because it’s a morally repugnant idea to bet on death and destruction, but because it would never survive Congressional approval. See? And who says Rumsfeld is a cold heartless bitch of a man? (Oh, that’s right we did. On several occasions. Including this one.)
FRIDAY, AUGUST 1 Koalas are on the brink of a sexual revolution! After decades of social repression, female koalas in the Australian state of Victoria are finally being given access to the Pill, and they are ready to par-tay. As koalas are notoriously irresponsible about taking daily medication, the plan is to inject a small tube containing the same hormones as the contraceptive pill under the skin of around 3,000 wild females. The Aussies believe that the population has to be brought under control because their staple food, the manna gum in the Mount Eccles National Park, is close to depletion. Koalas can live for up to 18 years and may produce between eight and 11 offspring during their lifetime. They generally start breeding when they’re around two years old, which is when most koalas get knocked up and have to drop out of college. The introduction of the Pill into koala society is sure to have a significant socio-political impact, as more and more female koalas are able to finish school and enter the workplace.
SATURDAY, AUGUST 2 Arnold Schwarzenegger’s entry into California’s gubernatorial recall election may have been nixed by the Missus, but porn king Larry Flynt has graciously agreed to take Arnold’s place as media celebrity meat. The Hustler magazine publisher has filed initial paperwork and says he may spend a large amount of the money he spent publishing photos of vaginas if people take his candidacy seriously. His solution to California’s budget woes? Expanding slot machine gambling. (He happens to own several casinos.) He would also like to see more neatly trimmed vaginas on California’s beaches and better handicapped access at nightclubs. According to the Associated Press more than 250 people statewide have taken the very first step of filing the paperwork with county registrars. Other quirky candidates include several men named Gray Davis and Angelyne, the blonde, buxom artist made famous by her depiction on numerous Hollywood billboards. We sure hope she wins.
SUNDAY, AUGUST 3 According to The New York Times, the Bush administration is taking action to solidify its plans for acquiring a new generation of nuclear arms. They are specifically interested in developing a class of relatively small nuclear arms that could decimate all those pesky bunker hide-outs that the bad guys are always disappearing into. Pocket nukes! That is SO cute! Of course there is already a vocal opposition to the idea. We mean, if they’re that cute, everyone will want one, and then where will we be? We have one question: why’s it taken so long for the smaller nuke to come into vogue? Traditional nukes are so unwieldy, whereas the pocket nuke is so practical. You can bet it was Laura Bush’s idea.