MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 15
America is still reeling from the tragic events of September 10 (J.LO and B.AFF calling their wedding kaput). Though accounts wildly vary, here’s what we know so far: According to Us Weekly, the toney twosome had an ear-splitting argument over an undetermined topic on September 8. And while the splintered pair claim the wedding was postponed due to “excessive media attention,” sources close to the Bickersons are spouting three theories: 1) The universal drubbing of Gigli caused an embarrassing ego rift of Grand Canyon-esque proportions. 2) Some say B.AFF’s unhealthy love of gambling inspired LO to yank the leash, ending his much-loved bi-monthly excursions to Larry Flynt’s Hustler Casino. And 3), the most hilarious theory is that Ben canceled the nuptials after a phone call to his mommy, who allegedly warned sonny-boy that if he married the Latina hotshot, he would spend eternity in the media fishbowl. Regardless of which theory, if any, are true, J.LO is currently dabbing her tears and partying hard with pals in Miami, while Ben is cooling his heels at his Savannah, Georgia mansion. Will these two crazy kids patch up their spat, get married and suffer through a painful divorce within five to six months? We sure hope so, or we’re going to owe that jerk Dan Savage 25 bucks.
TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16
Since many Hollywood celebs are spitting mad over all the attention the J.LO/B.AFF drama is getting, we’ve decided to spotlight a couple of stories you may have missed this week, such asÉ BRITNEY SPEARS IS A FASHION DISASTER. Yes, it’s official: People magazine has declared Britney Spears the ugliest dresser in the world in their latest “Best & Worst Dressed” ish. And it gets worse for the Britter, because archrival and boyfriend-stealing Cameron Diaz received kudos from People for her scene-swiping walk down Oscar aisle in her perfect Prada. (It should be noted however, Cameron is forced to dress with more style to make up for her debilitating acne problem.) Meanwhile! Poor, poor Uma Thurman seems to have lost everything–except of course, her millions of dollars and statuesque beautyÉ bitch. After being skeedaddled on by cheating, trifling hubby Ethan Hawke, it seems the towering lovely has been left holding the babies (five-year-old Maya and 18-month-old Roan). So who has she been reaching out to in her time of need? It appears her new knight in shining armor is no other than former flame John Cusack. John–who has ignored our own lovesick advances for almost 10 years now–was seen counseling the heart-broken Uma recently at a NY eatery. Says a spy, “She looked miserable and he was being very attentive.” Without pressing for further details our spy continued, “He’s carried a torch for her all these years and never believed she’d be free after she married and had children.” Sources also say that someone who looked very much like ourselves was seen standing in the rain outside, holding up a cassette radio. Allegedly the radio was saying, “In your eyes/ the light, the heat/ your eyes/ I feel complete/ your eyes/ in your eyyyyyyyyyyyyyes!”
WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17
History was revised once again today when President Bush denied ever saying anything about Saddam Hussein and his direct involvement with 9/11. “There’s no question Saddam Hussein had al-Qaida ties,” the President said while sweating profusely. “We’ve had no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved with September 11th.” Now many of you may distinctly remember that the Twin Tower tragedy was a major factor (besides the invisible WMDs) for taking action against Iraq. In fact, a recent Washington Post poll claims that nearly 70 percent of Americans believe the Iraqi leader was probably personally involved. So does this mean you’re crazy? According to the Bush administration, yesÉ yes, it does. After being given the results of this poll on ABC’s Nightline, White House national security adviser Condoleeza Rice simply shrugged her shoulders and said, “We have never claimed that Saddam Hussein had either direction or control of 9-11.” The White House also claimed today you promised you would help pay the 87 billion-dollar clean-up bill for Iraq, and that there’s really no need for another election in 2004, because you’ve already voted for Bush–twice. Remember?
THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 18
Just in case you were worried, the rich just keep on gettin’ richer. Today Forbes magazine released their annual ranking of the 400 richest motherfuckers in America, and topping the list? Why, it’s your favorite monopolist and mine, Microsoft Corp. founder Bill Gates, whose personal fortune was increased this year from a paltry $43 billion to a more reasonable $46 billion. Coming in second at a mere $36 billion was a jealous, but determined Warren Buffett–who lists himself as an investor, but could be secretly siphoning profits from singer Jimmy “Margaritaville” Buffett. And in the third place position was Microsoft co-founder, Paul Allen, who embarrassingly, found himself worth only $22 billion this year. Forbes also chose to include pop star Britney Spears–not for being among the 400 richest, but for simply agreeing with People magazine that she’s a hideous fashion disaster.
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
The New York Times reported today that scientists have discovered the skeleton of the granddaddy of all guinea pigs. Nearly eight million years old, the media-dubbed “giant rat” would have weighed in at 1,500 pounds. Now, we have never been endeared to guinea pigs. We’ve heard stories of certain children who had guinea pigs, and these pets were inevitably lost only to turn up several months later dried-up under the radiator, or curled stiff in a winter boot. There was, of course, the inevitable “class guinea pig,” whose survival was dependent on the whims of a rotating schedule of second graders. These guinea pigs also, inevitably, died of starvation. But a GIANT guinea pig! Imagine the possibilities. Giant guinea pigs could be ridden! Hippopotamus-sized furry rodents saddled up for little girls to canter about on. These pets would not live in aquariums; they would have the run of the house and require constant exercising. Picture it: HERDS of giant guinea pigs running, full bore, in circles at the dog parks. The leash advocates would go to pieces!! Oh, please if you are a mad scientist and reading this, get to work on giant guinea pig cloning. (We will donate the stem cells and several old Fendi bags that have a high resale on eBay.)
SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 20
Presidential candidate John Kerry warned today that he thought Presidential candidate Howard Dean was “imploding.” As the media rushed for cover, he clarified, explaining that Dean’s “bubble’s bursting.” Which is actually the OPPOSITE of implosionÉ but whatever. Kerry can be forgiven for his mixed hyperbole, since he used to be the race frontrunner, and now is hovering somewhere around Lieberman. All this has clearly made the fellow a little obsessed. At the recent Democratic debate in Baltimore, a microphone picked up Mr. Kerry muttering, “Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean. Dean.” Creepy, huh? But Kerry did make the point that Dean could never be president because “you can’t make 15 gaffes a week and be president.” Of courseÉ he could be wrong about that, too.
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 21
As all you American Revolution nuts out there know, tomorrow is the 227th anniversary of the hanging of Nathan Hale. You remember him. Spy. Slipped behind enemy lines. Was caught by the British and executed. “I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country,” blah blah blah. Is high-school American history coming back to you yet? Well, wait! Because according to The Associated Press, it turns out that the man the CIA claims as the first American executed for spying, might not have gotten caught if he hadn’t been so monumentally stupid. Yep. It turns out the heroic former schoolteacher spilled his guts to a British spy who, after suspecting Hale immediately, pretended to be a Colonial spy, too–because that is THE OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK. Hale told him his entire mission and probably some deeply personal secrets as well. The British spy invited him to dinner. It was an ambush. He was hung because he was ineffective. Overrated. Futile. Clearly he has had an even more profound impact on the CIA than previously thought.