MONDAY, MARCH 1

You know, we here at One Day used to consider 19-year-old actress Scarlett Johansson a good friend. Lovely and conscientious to a fault, the star of Sofia Coppola’s Lost in Translation has always seemed to be a pillar of quiet strength and fortitude. However, now we think she is a HO. Why? Because that HO is dating OUR number one dreamboy (other than Justin Timberlake), the one and only Benicio Del Toro! According to World Entertainment News, the pair were pulling a canoodle choo-choo at one of the pre-Oscar parties, prancing around, making with the huggy-huggy and the smoochy-smooch. THEN! After partying well into the night, at 3:30 am the two were spotted retiring to Del Toro’s Chateau Marmont hotel in L.A., still playing kissy-face and grabby pants in the elevator! See what we mean? She is a HO! Now it’s one thing for the 41-year-old Del Toro to be canoodling with someone–like ourselves–who isn’t a 19-year-old HO. However, for someone of his age to be canoodling with Scarlett Johansson? Who is clearly a 19-year-old HO? Tres Scandal! (Though now that you mention it, if we were a 41-year-old male, we’d probably canoodle around with her, too.) Meanwhile! At a different pre-Oscar bash, another celeb was making an ass out of herself, as well. Paris Hilton, after traipsing uninvited into the Lord of the Rings pre-Award dinner at New Line Cinema boss Bob Shave’s Hollywood mansion, tripped over some shrubbery and fell face first in his goldfish pond. Now you may be asking, “But wait–doesn’t Paris trip and fall into ponds all the time?” And our answer would be “Yes. Yes, she does.” And that’s why this is what’s known as “a slow gossip day.”

TUESDAY, MARCH 2

Another pants-wetting day of joy for the nerds of NASA. Thanks to their little remote control car they’ve been driving around Mars, scientists are claiming they now have definite proof that the red uninhabitable planet was “once soaked with liquid water.” Not the dry kind, see–the liquid kind! While this does not necessarily mean that at one time Mars was teeming with shoe stores and nail parlors, it does indicate that the planet was at least “capable of supporting life.” Benton C. Clark III, a Lockheed Martin Space Systems scientist, was absolutely beside himself with nerdish joy over the discovery, as well as the realization that the gathered soil sample contained “an astounding amount of salt.” Astounding? Perhaps. But more salt than can be found in a can of Wolfgang Puck’s French Onion soup? We don’t think so. The scientists went on to marvel over other geological clues like small, globular-shaped holes called “blueberries,” and penny-shaped holes called “vugs”–all which somehow prove there was once water on the planet. And while we’re on the subject of clues… there’s a reason why Benicio Del Toro is getting more ass than you guys. And it has nothing to do with “vugs” and “blueberries.”

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 3

Now on to a far more interesting subject: same-sex marriage. The residents of Portland, Oregon awoke this morning to suddenly find themselves surrounded by scads of married gay folk after county officials decided that local law would permit it. The upside? Discrimination against gays and lesbians took a big kick in the pants, while making many couples extremely happy. The downside? Sales for those absolutely horrid rainbow flags and leather-clad teddy bears went through the roof. However, you can hardly blame straight people for choosing ill-suited gay wedding gifts–it’s not like Bed, Bath, and Beyond has a homo section. Meanwhile! Bad news for gays in New York, however. Attorney General Eliot Spitzer announced today that New York state law absolutely would not allow marriages between same-sex couples. Not exactly great news for Jason West, the mayor of the small upstate town of New Paltz, who’s been marrying gays left and right, and is now charged with 19 criminal counts of “solemnizing marriages without a license.” West could face fines up to $2,500 and up to a year in jail. Now, this was something we didn’t know. Our hubby Kip “solemnized” us on our wedding night–and we know for certain he didn’t have a license!

THURSDAY, MARCH 4

As previously feared, now that presidential nominee John Kerry has been left alone in the race, he’s starting to look less and less attractive by the second. Even though it would seem a German cannibal would have an easy time beating Bush in the upcoming election, Kerry is only doing “so-so.” In an Associated Press poll gauging which candidate people were currently favoring, Bush was awarded a 46% acceptance rate, while Kerry could only muster a meager 45%. Naturally, uninvited killjoy Ralph Nader also had to stick his big stupid nose into the race, and scored an annoying 6% of the vote. This is, of course, making Democratic party members crap their pants, and forcing them to experience flashbacks of the 2000 election when they believed that Nader spoiled Al Gore’s chances in New Hampshire and Florida. (Just to be clear, we don’t hate Nader, we just hate the people who vote for him. On second thought… we hate Nader, too… so never mind.) Unfortunately for America, the only people who are interested in running for President are either sociopaths or boring twats. Now we’re not saying Nader shouldn’t run–but if you’re going to be an uninvited guest, the least you could do is be like Paris Hilton and entertain us by falling face first into the goldfish pond.

FRIDAY, MARCH 5

Today Martha Stewart was found guilty of conspiracy, obstruction of justice and two counts of false statements. But she looked great. Really. And was extremely dignified when the verdict was announced, going so far as to smile slightly at her supporters before being whisked away in a sport utility vehicle. She is so gracious. How can this former stockbroker turned head of a major public company be held responsible for such a tiny indiscretion like insider trading? More pressing, how will this affect sheet sales?? Is Martha still crazy for Shasta daisies? How does this impact, if at all, towel-folding techniques? Does one discuss the verdict at ones Tuscan dinner on a California hillside, or does one refrain? It is all just so awkward. Martha, if we had mizuna and bok choy, tatsoi and watercress, we would make you an exotic green salad. We would.

SATURDAY, MARCH 6

In a lesson to travelers everywhere, David Crosby was arrested today after housekeeping found some naughty items in a piece of luggage he’d left behind in his hotel room. A DoubleTree hotel maid found the bag in Crosby’s room after he’d checked out, and searched it in order to determine the identity of the owner. (Hey! Maybe it belongs to the guy who just checked out?!) In fact, Snoopy Sally did find clues to its owner: namely an undisclosed amount of pot, a .45-caliber handgun and two knives. It had to belong to either Crosby or Willie Nelson. When Crosby realized he’d left the bag behind, he called the hotel and they told him to come by and pick it up, which he did, at which time he was immediately arrested. This is clearly a man in need of an assistant. Or, at the very least, a fanny pack.

SUNDAY, MARCH 7

Mr. and Mrs. Roy Addleton of Cedar Rapids, Iowa, on vacation in Port-au-Prince, were inconvenienced today when thousands of Haitians marched through the city, celebrating the exile of President Jean-Bertrand Aristide and demanding he be put on trial. Mr. and Mrs. Addleton were attempting to make their way to their hotel from a downtown café when they were forced to change routes due to the dozens of U.S. and French troops and Haitian police, armed with machine guns and a tear gas launcher, who were guarding the demonstration route. In a rare show of compassion, President Bush decried the incident, and pledged to send aid to Haiti immediately in an effort to prevent such emotional terrorism from ever bothering the Addletons again.