MONDAY, MARCH 8

Spring is almost here, which means, according to our hubby Kip, that it’s time to start having sex again. And why should Hollywood’s horny hotties be any different? Hot-dog-lipped siren Angelina Jolie has been keeping her overly endowed mouth shut about her recent romantic rendezvous–until now! According to World Entertainment Network, ever since her highly publicized split last year from frankly rather ugly ex-hubby Billy Bob Thornton, the Taking Lives starlet has been engaging in one-night stands at low-rent hotels before rushing home to baby son Maddox. “I went for two years with absolutely no man around me,” she said, apparently oblivious to the feelings of her ex-husband. “Then I decided to get closer to men who were already very close friends of mine. As crazy as that sounds, meeting a man in a hotel room for a few hours and not seeing him again for a few months is about what I can handle.” Preach on, sister, preach ON! While the fish-lipped actress refuses to reveal the names of any of the lucky “friends”–may we postulate that one of them may have been the Gordon Fisherman? Hmmmmmmm? Meanwhile! Though Angelina Jolie has repeatedly claimed that she and Irish meatcake Colin Farrell are “just friends”–yeah, well, now we know what you mean by “friends,” Angelina!–the monobrowed hunk has been making some sexy moves of his own… towards the cradle. According to the New York Post, young nubile starlet Lindsay Lohan (of Freaky Friday fame) caught up with Colin on a lot at Paramount Studios and made a distinct point of giving him her phone number. Naturally, Colin was delighted–as he often is by anything that walks and has tits–until a little faint bell began ringing in his skull, making him ask the important question, “How old are you?” When she responded she was only a mere 17, Colin wisely gave back the number and told her to call him in a year. Sniff! What a champ! Meanwhile, Lindsay’s mother was overheard telling her to “get back in this house” and “wash that makeup off your face, you look like a whore.”

TUESDAY, MARCH 9

For reasons yet unknown, God decided to spare the life of professional asshole and Attorney General John Ashcroft, who successfully survived surgery on his gallbladder today. The Bush henchman who is largely responsible for the Patriot Act and America’s ever-diminishing civil liberties, was suffering from severe pancreatitis brought on by a gallstone. For those who really don’t like the guy, you’ll be happy to know the condition is accompanied by severe abdominal pain, loss of appetite, nausea, and vomiting–or pretty much what he’s been putting the rest of us through for the past three years. However, surgeons corrected the situation today by successfully removing Ashcroft’s gallbladder, which held a press conference later in the afternoon. “Wow, am I glad to be out of there,” exclaimed the relieved gallbladder, now resting comfortably at George Washington University Hospital. “You don’t know what it was like… all that venom and bile… I mean, I’d rather sit through Mel Gibson’s Passion of the Christ than spend another second in Ashcroft’s gut.”

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 10

And while God may have taken the day off from killing the very deserving John Ashcroft, it might have been because he was making dreams come true for one American Idol outcast, William Hung. Now we don’t care what anyone else thinks–we ADORE this Hong Kong native who was booted off the American Idol show after auditioning with a hilariously cute version of Ricky Martin’s “She Bangs.” The audition, along with Hung’s cheery acceptance of failure, has turned this civil engineering student from UC Berkeley into an unlikely overnight sensation. And today God rewarded Hung with his own recording contract, when he signed a deal with Fuse Music Network and Koch Records. The new CD, due to be released April 6 is tentatively entitled, The True Idol, and will include such hits as “She Bangs,” “Shake Your Bon Bon” (another Ricky Martin standard), as well as a very dramatic cover of Elton John’s “Rocket Man.” According to an unscripted outburst from Koch Records general manager Alan Grunblatt, “Hung is the new Elvis!” Wellll… we wouldn’t go that far. However, he makes Clay Aiken look like dead Elvis–a far more apt description.

THURSDAY, MARCH 11

In a move of abject fear and desperation, President Bush launched the first negative election ad of the campaign year today against opponent John Kerry. The Prez accused his rival of seeking to raise taxes by $900 billion (which is coincidentally about how much it’s going to cost to clean up Bush’s mess in Iraq) and wanting to “delay defending America.” Kerry responded by saying that the so-called $900 billion tax hike is “completely made up” and is preparing his own negative ad, appropriately entitled, “Misleading America.” After learning of Kerry’s intention to run a negative ad in response to his negative ad, Bush has announced he will run yet another negative ad to respond to Kerry’s negative ad, this one entitled “Why Don’t You Shut Up, Fag?”

FRIDAY, MARCH 12

The AP reported today that U.S. troops in Iraq are “living large” in the lap of luxury. Air-conditioned quarters. Three meals a day, including “hamburgers, fried chicken, and onion rings.” The military has even built shopping centers and a Burger King at the airport. You’re halfway packed already, aren’t you? The military is expecting its ranks to bloom as the word of this paradise travels and thousands of young men and women just like you enlist. This new “living large” thing is sure to counter balance the “getting shot or blown-up” thing. You can get yourself murdered in Fresno. But can you get free onion rings?

SATURDAY, MARCH 13

Folks have been pocketing crap from grave sites for a while. There’s that whole King Tut thing, shipwreck looting, combing Civil War battlefields for shells, etc. Half of Rome has a shard of Pompeii on their mantle. In this light, it’s heartwarming that American officials have continued this great tradition with their enthusiastic September 11 debris pillaging. Indeed, today it was revealed that Defense Secretary Donald H. Rumsfeld has a chunk of the airplane that flew into the Pentagon. He is said to show “the memento” to visiting dignitaries as a reminder of the tragedy. Frankly, we are disappointed in Rumsfeld’s choice of relic. If you get your pick, why not grab something really good, really “momentous,” like a dismembered foot? A dismembered foot could be stored in a jar of formaldehyde and mounted on a nice walnut base. This would make a nice desk ornament, and even double as a paper weight.

SUNDAY, MARCH 14

Today the Spanish people, still reeling from the terrorist attack that left 200 dead, surprised everyone, and voted in the Socialists. Before the attack, polls had indicated that the conservative ruling Popular Party would win easily. Why would Spain turn in the right wing party for the left wing at a time of national security crisis? We know! It is so un-American, it is practically inconceivable. Let’s go over the details. The conservatives were in power. The country got attacked. The conservatives were voted out of power. Nope. Still murky. Let’s try again. Jeff hates Frank. Jeff beats Frank up. Everyone expects Frank to learn karate so he can kick Jeff’s ass. But instead, Frank decides to stop pissing Jeff off, thereby avoiding future confrontations. Still confounding, huh? It must be a European thing.