MONDAY, APRIL 26

Though Hollywood libidos usually don’t start stirrin’ until May, many of Tinseltown’s luminaries have already hopped on the horny train. Kill Bill captain Quentin Tarantino and Lost in Translation‘s Sofia Coppola? Hello, DATING. Tongues were wagging after the two successful cinematic nerds were seen roaming video stores and strolling arm-in-arm outside trendy NY eateries such as Manhattan’s romantic Downtown Cipriani restaurant. (We’re just glad the Uma/Quentin rumor is finally dead. That one left an icky taste in our mouth.) Meanwhile! Lovely Hollywood beauty Scarlett Johansson and My So-Called Life slice of beef Jared Leto? Hello, CAVORTING. Now, for first-time gossip readers, it’s important to note the difference between cavorting and canoodling. To cavort, one may make googley eyes (as Scarlett and Jared were caught doing at Chateau Marmont) or giggle wildly while speeding down Sunset Boulevard (as Scarlett and Jared did in Jared’s Porsche). However, “canoodling” always involves at least one of the following: kissing, hugging, grabbing, and rubbing with an intention of inserting a penis into a vagina. And speaking of “canoodling”… Guess What! Troubled pop princess Britney Spears has reportedly been caught canoodling in another woman’s cookie jar. And not only is the man in question married, but the wife in question is… brace yourself… seven months pregnant. Oh, Britney, say it ain’t so! And yet, according to Us Weekly, the Britta has been seeing back-up dancer Kevin Federline on the side, much to the chagrin of very pregnant mother-to-be Shar Jackson. (Fun Fact: Shar appeared as Niecy Jackson on the sitcom Moesha. You go, girl!) In the interview, Jackson says of Britney, “I don’t have a problem with her… but now I should have a talk with her. Being seven months pregnant, I can’t afford to be stressed out.” Our advice? Hit her, baby, one more time!

TUESDAY, APRIL 27

Again with the celebrities asking the media to give them privacy! First it was Uma Thurman, then it was Rebecca Romijn-ex-Stamos, and now it’s Michael Jackson! According to a post on MJ’s website, he said, “There are helicopter’s hovering over my residence, reporters staking out, and photographers lurking behind bushes. I am respectfully requesting that media organizations please respect my privacy and that of my children.” Okay, and in response, here’s a message from the One Day at a Time website: “No, no, and… mmmmm… NO.” Meanwhile! One person you’ll never hear begging for privacy is multi-billionaire windbag Donald Trump. The Donald is in the news yet again this week, after announcing that he’s popped the question to his long-time model/gal pal Melania Knauss. The questionably lucky lady was spotted blinging around NYC today sporting a “flawless” 12-carat diamond ring from the House of Graff… or as Donald would put it, ” the MOST EXPENSIVE ring in the world from the BEST diamond dealer in New York State.” The happy couple will continue to live, as they have for the past five years in “the most FANTASTIC, EXCLUSIVE high-class residence in the city,” Trump Tower. So far, no word on when invitations will be sent out–but we bet Omarosa won’t be on the list… “because she’s the MOST AWFUL, RIDICULOUSLY ANNOYING woman in the world!”

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 28

The reviews are in, and Sean “H.R. Puff ‘n’ Diddy” Combs is the toast of Broadway–kind of. The rapper-turned-renaissance man has been trodding the boards on the Great White Way as Walter Lee Younger in Lorraine Hansberry’s classic play A Raisin in the Sun. The role is one made famous by the highly revered Sidney Poitier–so, it’s little wonder everyone thought Diddle was going to make a piddle. However, according to some critics, Diddy’s performance reached the lofty heights of “pretty damn good,” and “exuding breezy charm.” However, other critics–the ones we love to read–were slightly less understanding. “When [Combs] drops to the floor sobbing in a heap” writes Peter Marks of The Washington Post, “it’s about as persuasive as a Teamster dancing Swan Lake.” And while Ben Brantley from The New York Times opined that “Mr. Combs is not the wholesale embarrassment that connoisseurs of schadenfreude were hoping for… ” [WOW! We don’t even know what that means!], the play was still a “lopsided and ultimately dreary affair.” Combs responded by busting a cap in his ass.

THURSDAY, APRIL 29

It’s the winners who ultimately write history, and President Bush and Vice Prez Dick Cheney were frantically scribbling away during their three-hour meeting today with the September 11th commission. “I answered every question they asked,” Bush said afterwards, which included queries about the lack of U.S. military response after the 2000 bombing of the U.S.S. Cole, the memos which warned that Osama bin Laden was about to strike, and of course, the 9/11 attacks themselves. And while commission member and former Democratic Sen. Bob Kerrey said some of Bush’s answers were “surprising,” and “new,” we may never hear what was exactly said because the administration wouldn’t allow an official transcriber on the scene. Nevertheless, commission members reportedly took their charge very seriously, demanding candor from the President who, during the entire course of the interview was mysteriously sitting on Vice President Cheney’s knee. Members were also mystified by the fact that Bush could answer their questions, even when Cheney was drinking a glass of water.

FRIDAY, APRIL 30

The New York Times reported today that Sinclair Broadcast Group intended to pre-empt tonight’s airing of Nightline in all of its local television stations. It seems company big wigs believed that the program’s plan to have Ted Koppel read aloud the name of Americans killed in action in Iraq was motivated by an anti-war agenda. Instead, Sinclair will run a program in which an anchor reads aloud the names of the Iraqi dead and yeehaws after each one. That program is expected to last 843 minutes. ABC officials were not very upset, explaining that no one watches their network anyway.

SATURDAY, MAY 1

Images of smiling U.S. military police humiliating Iraqi prisoners appeared in newspapers around the Middle East today, pissing off Arabs who condemned the United States as a champion of rights only for Americans. (Oops! You got us!)

SUNDAY, MAY 2

The New York Times reported today that Democrats are worried that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry is still struggling to find a theme for his campaign. In an effort to help out, we’ve conducted a survey of some of the more popular contenders.

Polynesian: The party is shipwrecked on a tropical island. Can Kerry flag down a passing ship before the tsunami of war and unemployment crashes down upon us?

Under the Sea: Great opportunity for John Kerry to appear in a commercial dressed as King Neptune (complete with triad).

Up in Space: Though space suits are almost always too baggy, it will match Kerry’s jowls.

Casino: Blackjack tables at campaign fundraisers spell “fun, fun, fun!”

Fantasy: Loads of white and silver glitter, maybe a castle? Might backfire as voters decide that Kerry isn’t living in the real world.

Mardi Gras: Beaded, feather masks for all the staffers! Kerry’s VP isn’t unmasked until after everyone’s voted!

Hollywood: Kerry in Nicholson Ray Bans might impress the soccer moms, but overall, this theme might be perceived as too “liberal elite” in the heartland.

Paris City Lights: Probably wouldn’t go over well now with all the anti-French sentiment.