MONDAY, MAY 31

Here’s to twins! Jailbait celebrities Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were almost given their walking papers after demanding separate stars on the legendary Hollywood Walk of Fame. It seems that now, after reaping millions from exploiting their identical appearance, they suddenly want to be treated as “individuals,” according to gossip site Ananova.com. However, Walk of Fame chiefs quickly informed the two that, technically, Mary-Kate and Ashley aren’t “individuals” because they are identical twins (which is when a fertilized ovum splits, forming two babies with exactly the same genetic information). This is opposed to fraternal twins, where two ova are fertilized by two sperm, thereby producing two genetically unique individuals. Therefore, due to overwhelming genetic evidence, the Olsen Twins are not individuals and will have to share a single star on the Walk of Fame. And despite the fact that they are actually fraternal twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley accepted this explanation and departed, leaving everyone in the Walk of Fame offices wondering if these girls also share the same thimble-sized brain. Meanwhile… Speaking of splitting your ovum, America’s Sweetheart Julia Roberts is pregnant–and with TWINS! EEEEEEEEEE! Couldn’t you just DIE? Roberts’ spokeswoman confirmed the happy news, saying she’s about nine weeks along, and the darling balls of fetal tissue should be popping out early next year. However, The Daily News reports the conception came about thanks to “an $18,000 in vitro fertilization procedure, in which embryos were implanted in her womb.” The embryos, dubbed “America’s Sweetheart II & III” are already demanding separate trailers.

TUESDAY, JUNE 1

The Bush Administration got another kick to the nutsack today, when a federal judge declared the Partial-Birth Abortion Ban Act unconstitutional. U.S. District Judge Phyllis Hamilton ruled against the act, saying it was “grossly misleading and inaccurate” to suggest the procedure was infanticide. As usual the Bush Administration accepted this setback gracefully. “Today’s tragic ruling upholding partial-birth abortion shows why America needs judges who will interpret the law and not legislate from the bench,” read a statement from the Bush re-election campaign, adding, “John Kerry’s judicial nominees would similarly frustrate the people’s will and allow this grotesque procedure to continue.” Yeah! And you know what else we heard? John Kerry would gladly perform a partial birth abortion on Julia Roberts’ precious little embryos! DON’T ALLOW JOHN KERRY TO MURDER JULIA ROBERTS’ CHILDREN! THIS NOVEMBER, RE-ELECT GEORGE W. BUSH! Meanwhile… In a related story, actress Halle Berry gave birth to a bad case of gas after drinking a high protein shake. According to teenhollywood.com, “Halle Berry has confessed she can’t stop breaking wind.” In order for the star/model to beef up for her role in the upcoming action pic Catwoman, she has been chugging protein drinks–which according to Berry, “was wicked stuff. I had the worst gas in the world!” Inside sources concurred, saying the smell was almost as bad as Berry’s performance in Monster’s Ball–“deadly, but definitely not silent.”

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 2

And now, the latest from the “World of Shopping!” The staff of Harrods in London were positively beside themselves with horror when beleaguered superstar couple Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown invaded their shop, and caused… ohhhh, what do they call it? A rumpus. According to Britain’s The Daily Mirror, the twosome looked “drugged and disheveled” as they ran through the store, dancing and giggling like maniacs. Even more shocking? The pair allegedly ordered the shop’s assistants to give them $18,300 worth of designer clothing–FOR FREE! After the two departed, the miffed staff sniffed, “Really! Why can’t more Americans be like Winona Ryder? At least when she robbed us she was quiet.” Meanwhile… More trouble in London town! It seems hot-to-trot couple Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal can’t keep their genitals in their knickers–even while in a posh boutique! Shopowners in a trendy Kensington clothier were simply aghast when Kirsten followed Jake into a fitting room, where he allegedly began fitting his penis into her vagina. An onlistener told the Daily Star, “A trickle of murmurs and groans soon turned into a love-maker’s cacophony. They emerged looking ruffled but happy.” Hmmff! When are these Hollywood teens going to realize that in vitro fertilization is the proper way to have sex these days?

THURSDAY, JUNE 3

CIA director George Tenet resigned today, although it had nothing at all to do with the mounting criticism over how he handled the September 11th tragedy. NOTHING AT ALL. He actually just suddenly and without warning decided to spend more time with his family. In a speech to CIA employees, he said his hasty resignation “was a personal decision and had only one basis in fact: the well-being of my wonderful family, nothing more and nothing less.” Then, choking back the tears, he said to his teenage son Michael who was inexplicably sitting in the audience, “You’ve been a great son–and now I’m going to be a great dad.” Disney immediately optioned the rights for Tenet’s speech, and a major motion picture should be completed just in time for Christmas. Meanwhile… In a related and equally joyous story, the Christian rock band Creed has finally broken up. YES!!!! The Jesus-spoutin’ Pearl Jam wannabes who became one of the top-selling acts of the last decade have resigned from their post as “The Most Annoying Band Since the Spin Doctors.” And while three former Creed members will be forming a new, far less successful band, lead singer Scott Stapp is currently working on a solo album “inspired by the film The Passion of the Christ.” Look for it in a bargain bin near you.

FRIDAY, JUNE 4

Elderly American veterans invaded France today in the guise of commemorating D-Day. The frail old men looked harmless enough in their old soldiers’ caps and medals, but when duty called, they rose to the occasion. As soon as their planes landed in Paris, the elder soldiers stormed the capital, scaled the walls of the Elysee Palace, and quickly liberated the country from President Jacques Chirac’s anti-war-in-Iraq fascism. Almost all the veterans were killed. But the survivors spent a nice weekend wooing French women, looting boulangeries, and riding bicycles through the countryside with baguettes strapped to their backs.

SATURDAY, JUNE 5

Ronald Reagan died today. But in more important news, J.LO got herself hitched to Marc Anthony!!! Yep. After almost six long months of serious soul searching after her long and tragic engagement to Ben Affleck, J.LO said “fuck it” and married her new squeeze in a small ceremony at her home. Those who read the gossip rags will know that Anthony just divorced his wife, a former Miss Universe no less, and mother of two of his children, with a “just take what you want and sign the papers, babe” kind of brutal efficiency. This was J.LO’s third trip down the aisle. The first was to waiter Ojani Noa, the second to dancer Cris Judd. Noa lasted a little more than a year; Judd for nine months. But we have great hopes for her marriage to Marc Anthony, since it has all the hallmarks of a lasting relationship.

SUNDAY, JUNE 6

We guess this whole Ronald Reagan thing was a pretty big deal because today the media was still yammering about it. There were the humongous obituaries written ten years ago and then slaved over by every intern since; there were the reverential round-ups of Reagan’s clever quips (oh, he was a hoot, he was); and, of course, the career summing timelines and 20-year-old photographs. Did you know that he single-handedly ended the Cold War and was right about everything after all? It’s true. We read it in the New York Times. Indeed, the only difficult question raised by the media seemed to be, should one pay their respects in Simi Valley or in DC? In happier news, John Hinckley and Jodie Foster finally announced their engagement.