MONDAY, DECEMBER 13

First of all, we are fully aware that this is the holiday season, and we are supposed to be in desperate love with every living thing. But can you provide one good reason why we should give two shits about the topic of celebrity pregnancy? From what we understand, thousands of squalling brats are born into this world every moment, so if we are less than enthralled with the idea of Julia Roberts squirting out a pair of twins and a bucket full of placenta–you are simply just going to have to forgive us. On the other hand! We do feel it’s our duty to inform the reading public of anything particularly alarming in the world of celebrity pregnancy, and two things of note came across our desk this week, starting with… hot-dog lipped actress Liv Tyler gives birth to hot-dog lipped boy–to be named “Milo.” Now, we only know of two existing Milos: the one in Milo and Otis, where a cat and a pug go on a series of dangerous adventures narrated by Dudley Moore, and Venus. You know…Venus de Milo. But there is some good news: In about seven years we’ll be writing gossip about Liv Tyler’s hot-dog lipped son named Milo getting beaten up in school. Meanwhile… Tinseltown tongues are flapping with rumors that Alias sexpot Jennifer Garner has been impregnated with Ben Affleck’s oily love child! Apparently, she was photographed last week with her belly looking plumper than usual. Naturally the photos were rushed to a doctor, who after examining them said, “It really does look like Jen is pregnant… it’s a typical change in shape for a young, fit, pregnant woman.” But then the doctor added it could also be that “Jen started early eating for the holidays….” That’s right, folks! You read it hear first! Jennifer Garner eats baby in ritualistic Christmas feast!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14

Speaking of heartwarming tales of Christmas cheer, gather the kiddies around for this news story that comes to us from the exotic town of San Jose, Costa Rica. It was reported today that a frightened taxi driver shot and nearly killed a prankster wearing an Osama bin Laden mask. The wounded masked man, Leonel Arias, 47, told police he thought it would be hilarious to don the bin Laden mask, jump into the middle of a crowded street, and begin pointing a pellet rifle at people. And while this prank isn’t all that funny in and of itself, what happened afterwards was a real gut-buster! After scaring a number of people, Arias hopped out in front of Juan Pablo Sandoval’s cab, who then pulled out a gun and shot the impersonator twice in the tummy-tum-tum. “For me and I think for anybody else at a time like that one thinks the worst, and so I fired my gun,” Sandoval told a news station. Police declined to charge Sandoval, figuring he was acting in self-defense. SO! How is this story Christmas related? Well, if you ask us, Osama bin Laden looks a lot like Santa Claus. That means Republicans should be extra careful with their firearms this holiday season.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 15

Today Hollywood was all a-twitter about a topic near and dear to our hearts: LESBIANISM. According to the New York Post, Tinseltown’s newest dyke “it” couple are no other than comedian/ talk show host Ellen DeGeneres and the undeniably hot star of Arrested Development, Portia De Rossi. Apparently, DeGeneres dumped her longtime gal pal of four years, photographer/director Alexandra Hedison last Friday, and was sharing her Hollywood mansion with De Rossi by Sunday. However, insiders are unsure whether this lesbotic liaison has legs. “People who know Ellen well feel she is going through a midlife crisis, dumping Alexandra for a hot, younger woman,” said someone in the know. “They predict Ellen will come to her senses and dump Portia to go back to Alexandra in the near future.” That’s right, Alexandra! Who in their right mind would want a young hot lesbian walking around their mansion? Okay, don’t answer that. Meanwhile… While teen pop-tart Ashlee Simpson may be a lip-syncher, she’s not gonna be a lip-stick lesbian–or so says papa Joe Simpson about his daughter’s first foray into “independent cinema.” Ashlee was hired to play a lesbian in the film Wannabe, but according to the former Baptist minister, “I changed [the script]. It doesn’t work for her to be gay the first thing out. She’s going to be a huge movie star. She’s like Meg Ryan or Cameron Diaz, with probably more depth.” Okay, fine, she’s not a lesbian–but why can’t she just take a page from her singing career and fake it? Ka-ZING!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 16

And speaking of career changes, the polyp who’s made a career of nestling itself in Barbra Streisand’s colon announced today it’s moving on to better things. According to the National Enquirer, the fully recovered 62-year-old star checked into LA’s Cedars-Sinai hospital earlier this month to have the benign polyp removed. “I have truly enjoyed my work in Ms. Streisand’s colon,” said the polyp, via a press release issued by his publicist. “But I am now interested in pursuing a far more important job–spending time with my beautiful wife and children.” Streisand was unavailable for comment, as she was attempting to sell the polyp on eBay.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 17

In an exciting development for adventurous teenagers, another drug was added to the mounting list of pills that can kill you. This one? Celebrex, a top-selling painkiller made by Pfizer (look in your mom’s medicine cabinet for a sample). Celebrex is in the same class as the heart-stopping Vioxx, but Pfizer has announced they have no plans to pull it from the market. (Hmm, perhaps this has something to do with the fact that, in the nine months ending in September, Celebrex accounted for 6 percent of Pfizer’s total sales of $38 billion?) That means that YOU can add it to the deadly stash of products you make available to your nihilistic dorm mates. When they hear about the 2.5 times greater risk of major heart problems, they’ll be willing to trade you all their Sylvia Plath books and Morrissey CDs for a piece of the action. Thanks, Pfizer!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 18

Now that Grandma has dumped Grandpa’s Vioxx down the garbage disposal, you best be hiding your pot. According to a national poll, nearly three-quarters of American old folks support legalizing marijuana for medical use. Among those polled, 30 percent said they had smoked pot. (The rest had wanted to try it, but kept getting ripped off by elder hostel aides selling oregano.)

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 19

President George W. Bush has been named Time magazine’s “Person (née “Man”) of the Year.” For the second time. Bush was first named “Person of the Year” in 2000 for stealing the presidency. This time around the magazine’s editors picked Bush “for sharpening the debate until the choices bled, for reframing reality to match his design, for gambling his fortunes–and ours–on his faith in the power of leadership.” Bush joins six other presidents who have twice won the magazine’s top honor. Another controversial world leader, Adolph Hitler, was only named once. And the Nazis thought they were soooo special.