Last week, Canadian courts released a 500-page dossier on Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, detailing all of his alleged illegal activities—including interviews with staff on his alleged drug use and his alleged offers/threats to eat out various women's boxes, right down to more harmless stuff, like routinely pocket dialing his coworkers while pissing.

Talking Points Memo, bless its heart, has read this entire document and summarized its six best anecdotes. I suggest you read them aloud to your children at bedtime, as a grim lesson on what it's like to be Canadian.

4) Ford 'Would Try To Get Out Of Doing Ethnic Media Events'

Though the documents include tales of Ford making surprise appearances in convenience stores, parties, and on public transportation late at night, they also detail the types of events Ford allegedly would never go to. Ransom told investigators Ford "would not do any media events before 1100 AM unless it was a very special event."

Ransom also said Ford "would try to get out of doing ethnic media events, meetings with international politicians and ambassadors." Sadly, the documents didn't go into detail about Ford's reasons for avoiding these "ethnic" events. After February, Ford apparently also could not be found at nighttime public events. In one of his interviews with police, Towhey said he "removed all evening events from the Mayor's schedule" after an incident where Ford allegedly showed up to a military ball intoxicated with his children in tow and was asked to leave.

Rob Ford continues to be the man of my dreams. (I dream in nightmare.)