Portland Handbook 2018
Even before legalization, many of us were already perfectly comfortable lighting up on the street corner. Now that the cannabis industry has become an overly saturated market, with free-falling prices and a statewide surplus that’s been keeping me happy and high for months, chances are that more of you formerly shy and paranoid smokers are wondering how and where to pull this off. While I definitely don’t recommend doing this regularly (even though I do), there is a right way and a wrong way to go about it.
In Your Car
Everyone does this, but don’t do this. I never do this. Except sometimes, like yesterday, when it’s the best option available. To avoid subjecting passersby to plumes of smoke, and also to give myself some semblance of privacy, smoking a bowl while sitting in (and not driving) my car is a go-to for getting elevated before a show or social outing. There are some risks, like my car smelling like dank ganja when I drive it home later, and if a cop happened to pull me over I could get issued a DUI. To mitigate this, I always keep fragrance in the form of incense, spray, and air fresheners in my car. Smoking inside a car feels safe because you’re not fully visible. I’ve never had any problems being bothered or bothering others. At the end of the smoke sesh, crack a window or two and let off a few sprays before you go so the car can return to a non-weedy scent in your absence. When you return to your vehicle, maybe light some palo santo or incense in there and let it waft, just to be safe.
On the Street
Rolling up is key for smoking tree on the street. If you’re standing on the corner smoking a bowl out of a glass piece, that looks way sketchier (and perhaps more crack-related?) than just casually smoking what appears to be a hand-rolled cigarette. Simply find a secluded stretch of sidewalk, grab a friend or two, and spark up that joint, baby! Make sure you’re standing at least 20 feet away from any and all business storefronts (the law says 10 feet, but I double it because I’m considerate), and check that there are no uptight mutherfuckers/suburban dwellers/children/elderly folk around who might be appalled by your audacity, or worse: misuse 911 and report you to the popo. To ward off this danger, walking around while blazing is a good solution. That way, if anyone is annoyed by the proximity of your smoke, it’ll only be for a few seconds.
At a Movie Theater
There’s no good way to smoke weed at an indoor establishment, but that’s why God invented vaporizers and e-pens! In order to avoid looking like a dick, might I suggest arriving 15 minutes early to the movie (so you can grab snacks and a drink, obvi) and then steal a few minutes in the bathroom where you can peacefully vaporize your legal leaf in the privacy of a toilet stall. I don’t do this, and you shouldn’t do this, but I can say for sure that you can get away with doing this, and it will be fun.
At a Concert
I condemn and resent anyone who smokes tobacco in a crowd, and it’s not just because cigarette smoke smells like a literal death fog that clings to hair, skin, fabric, and everything else. It’s because it’s beyond rude: Thanks for exposing all of us, including precious children, to more than 7,000 chemicals and putting our hearts and lungs at risk of disease, assholes! But if you light up some Purple Haze or Lemon OG Kush at an outdoor music festival? I’m going to be that gif of Stanley from The Office nodding. Sure, some people in the crowd may be miffed because they “don’t like the way your reefer smells,” but you know what? Fuck them. (Just kidding. Be casual, be considerate, and be mindful of the people around you.) If you feel really guilty about potentially offending your fellow concertgoers, get an e-pen and prepare to watch their irritated demeanors vaporize within seconds, as your beautiful plume fades into sweetly scented nothingness.