There was a time when brave, trailblazing gay celebrities introduced the ideals of diversity and tolerance to even the backwoodsiest of bigots. But let’s face it: Thanks to several decades of queer-soaked pop culture, more than a few gay celebrities have worn out their welcomes. (Case in point: Ellen DeGeneres—who once made international headlines by coming out on her sitcom—hasn’t made anyone laugh since she wouldn’t stop crying about a dog.) We aren’t saying these gay celebs need to go back into the closet, exactly, but getting the hell offstage would be a step in the right direction.
George Takei—Lieutenant Sulu was possibly the least useful person on the bridge of the Enterprise, a dubious role that George Takei has shamelessly exploited for like 40 years. I mean, at least R2-D2 and C-3PO are still getting work. Takei? He just sits around prank calling William Shatner.
Rosie O’Donnell—I wrote a big explanation for this one before realizing it was totally unnecessary.
Anyone and Everyone from Will & Grace—They say they’re not gay. They are.
Rip Taylor—I’ll let trusty ol’ Wikipedia handle this one for me: “Taylor is known for his high-voiced yells, zany hair (which is a toupee), and bushy handlebar moustache over a perpetual toothy grin. He always enters a venue tossing handfuls of confetti from a paper bag onto his audience and laughing hysterically, while the band plays his theme song, ‘Happy Days Are Here Again.'” JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!!
Cynthia Nixon—Author Chuck Klosterman wrote that every time he tried to watch Sex and the City, “all I saw were four peculiar-looking women pretending to talk like gay guys”—a statement that’s at once dead-on and kind of confusing, and only got more muddled once Cynthia Nixon came out of the closet. Actually, I should admit something—the only reason Cynthia Nixon’s on this list is because I want all the cast members of Sex and the City to disappear forever. That’s legit, right?
Tila Tequila—I’ve never even seen this chick’s MTV show and still I want to send her off to wherever the hell Downtown Julie Brown currently is.
Steven “Cojo” Cojocaru—Entertainment Tonight‘s freakishly Botoxed “fashion consultant” is a Frankensteinian combination of a scalp stolen from Jennifer Aniston and teeth torn from the mouths of four different Osmonds. He also orgasms whenever any C-rate celebrity passes within 20 yards of him. I have an unfortunate habit of throwing my TV out a window anytime “Cojo” darkens its screen; since 2003, I have been forced to buy 247 new televisions.
Albus Dumbledore—The only thing gayer than a gay wizard at a gay magic school is a gay wizard who insists on assembling a gay fellowship of bearish dwarves and twinkish hobbits. (SORT-OF BUT NOT REALLY RELATED DWEEB FACT: Just pretending to be Gandalf the Grey turned Ian McKellan gay.)
Larry Craig—Dude, I’m only in here to take a leak. Seriously. Back off.
