Ijeoma Oluo: Basically a kid gives a mouse a cookie and it leads to all these unforeseen consequences.
Ijeoma Oluo: "Basically a kid gives a mouse a cookie and it leads to all these unforeseen consequences." Harper and Row

Many people are outraged at Pepsi’s new ad (which was pulled as quickly as it was posted). In the midst of a vague, high-fashion protest for “a conversation” and “peace signs” Karma Jenner is just trying to star in a photo shoot. But she can’t help but be distracted by these amazingly attractive young protesters. What are they protesting? Peace? Conversation? When a rakish looking young agitator for…conversation...gives her his sexiest “Hey, come join this vague movement of hot people” look, Karma knows that it is time to get serious. She rips off her blonde wig, tosses it to a black woman—and magically makes herself even whiter in the process.

Then she wipes off her lipstick—because you can protest in $500 jeans, but lipstick is taking it too far—and joins the throngs of people who apparently take to the streets in between casting calls for mid-level fashion catalogues. Jenner, now unencumbered by her wig, breezily makes her way to the front of the protest where Hot Cops are standing, looking stern and buff (we can tell they are buff because they are not wearing any of the body armor that cops wear when non-models are protesting), and she walks up to the hottest and sternest of the Hot Cops and hands him a Pepsi. Everyone is astonished, and the Muslim woman photographer who has been searching in vain for her depiction of the resistance finally has her muse in the perfect moment when a white woman hands a cop a refreshing can of sugar-water. We all know what happens next. Yes, some people thought this ad was in poor taste. But those people obviously haven’t read their childhood classics. I, for one, am glad to see my favorite children’s book finally brought to life...

If You Give A Cop A Pepsi

If you give a cop a Pepsi, he’s going to want some ice to go with it.

If you give a cop some ice, he’s going to need a glass to put it in.

If you ask your friend to hand you a glass, and your friend isn’t white, the cop is going to think the glass is a gun.

If the cop thinks your friend who isn’t white has a gun, he’s going to open fire.

If the cop opens fire, you’re going to hope he’s wearing a bodycam.

If the cop has a bodycam, he’s going to need a union rep.

If a cop has a union rep, the union rep is going to need the County Prosecutor.

If the union rep has the County Prosecutor, the County Prosecutor is going to have to stall.

If the County Prosecutor gets to stall, you’re going to need a Freedom of Information Request.

If you get a Freedom of Information Request, the Mayor is going to have to have a press conference.

If the mayor has a press conference, we’re all going to have to watch YouTube.

If we all watch YouTube, we’re going to have to create a hashtag.

If we create a hashtag, we’re going to get a Grand Jury.

If we get a Grand Jury, the cop will get no charges.

If the cop gets no charges, we’re going to have to march in the streets.

If we march in the streets, the press will call it a riot.

If the press calls it a riot, the police will have to come.

If the police have to come, they are going to get thirsty.

And if a cop gets thirsty, he’s going to want a Pepsi.